Alcoholic husband won’t comply. Any advice?

What do you mean you can't do that (divorce) to your husband? Look what it is doing to you??!!

If you are not happy, if there is not possibility of improvement, etc. then you must do what you must for yourself. Or at least draw some serious boundaries, etc. Have you ever gone to something like al-anon? You need to do some tough love and make sure you are not enabling him, etc.

Sister, there is not enough therapy and prescriptions drugs in the world to fix your problem.  The only way you can force his hand to sell the house is to divorce him.  Who is going to take care of all of these people if you break?  Stop enabling everyone...you can only control yourself.  You can't fix other people.  That is a hard lesson for all of us to learn.  Please take care of yourself.

You can not always save the other person, work on saving yourself. I would see and talk with a lawyer. See about what you are entitled to with regards to a divorce, house and financial issues. Time for you set some real goals and stop other people from trying to take advantage of you. You have been a nice lady for way too long. Secure what financial papers you may have, hold onto them put them in a lock box or vault in a bank. Then go see a lawyer, you may discuss a separation or divorce with your husband, but whatever you do take care of yourself and stop being the sacrificial lamb.

The thing about addicts (who claim to be former addicts) and their friends, is that their lack of morals cause them to control others to get their way. They are not beyond secretly 'dosing' their target(s).

That could be you (weight loss), and/or your husband.

You said your son is creating havoc?

So sorry to even consider this but had to warn you.

well it sounds like everyone has you right where they want you. the giver of all, including your health.  You don't say how you and hubby get along when he is not drinking, which sounds like he is not sober very much.  This might sound harsh but I would file for divorce, let him buy out your half of the house worth, and move to FL so YOU can have YOUR life.  Its either that or continue to let your family to use you as a doormat (and your friend) because they know you won't say NO.  It sounds like all the meds you are on it won't be long before you will be down and out and then what?  who is going to care for you?  WILL anyone care for you?  wishing you luck

Marntson: Imho, I implore you to cease being "the nice gal." OMG - you are a VERY tiny individual and are at a dangerously low weight for your height. You must remedy that STAT, e.g. take care of YOURSELF by seeking out a dietician. I'm surprised that your PCP wouldn't have recommended that immediately.
Your husband - Only he can amend his alcohol abuse. Unsure of how his liver failure got resolved. Perhaps he had a liver transplant, but you didn't mention that. I don't understand how he's working, but remains in the basement bed all day and night unless he somehow has a burst of energy.
Your son - Why is he staying with you? His addict friends will only bring him down and are no good to a recovered addict. He must learn to get some new friends as his old ones are dangerous business!
The friend - Sorry, but that person must leave as they are using you.
Your financials - "Sorry, kids, but mom's bank is closed for business. The wellspring has run dry!"

The moral of your story is that nice people like yourself get taken advantage of all the time. It's time to take care of YOU!

It is all too easy for a giving person to get sucked down into the mire, making it difficult, BUT not impossible to get out. When others start more or less taking advantage of that giving side of you, it is time to back off. There might be some begging and pleading, it will be hard to go against your natural giving spirit, but if you don't put a stop to all of this, you will end up just a spirit! Don't fall for the empty promises either... Everyone is counting on you to fold up and give in. DON'T!

88 pounds at your height is VERY underweight. It's roughly my height and other than a hospital stay (their TPN was NOT enough calories and I had to argue with them!), my HS weight and after 1st child was 99 pounds. You are killing yourself, between doing for everyone, medication, anxiety, etc. You NEED to focus on YOU. The others can fend for themselves - they did before, they can do it again. They are all adults and should be doing this themselves. They've gotten too used to your giving/doing.

The friend:
As others have said, you've been more than kind to your friend. Your plan is to sell and move (more on that later), so tell her she NEEDS to find a place asap, perhaps setting a deadline for that. Your reason is you need to clear out, clean up and prep it for sale. That's all she needs to know.

The son:
It isn't clear why he lives with you at this point. If he has cleaned up his act, hopefully he has a job (if not he needs one - bad timing, but there are still places hiring) and needs to find a place of his own. He should steer clear of his addict friends, but that's his choice. You can recommend it, but that's about it.

The other children:
Why are they needing money from you? They are grown and on their own. They should be able to manage their lives without pan-handling from you. Yes, I have helped my kids when they were in a tough spot, but always with a plan that they pay me back and they DID. Times are hard, but there are ways THEY can cut their expenses. I have had to do that, as a single mom, MANY times over the years.

Hubby:
There are only 2 kinds of alcoholics: a drinking one and a non-drinking one. Alcoholism doesn't go away, but with strength of will some can get off the booze and stay off. All too often, most can't. Two of my uncles were drinkers, one more social than the other, but it was liquor, not beer. I think he died of cirrhosis. The other lived longer, but had more and more issues. His bones softened due to the alcohol. He fell and hit his head, causing major problems. The last fall he had was the final one. He is not likely to change and you can't make him change. Your choice is to either put up with this, wherever you are living, or move on without him. You have to make that decision.

Moving:
This is for YOU. This is what YOU want. This is YOUR goal. Start planning. Instead of "helping" everyone else, your focus and activity should be on what YOU want. This isn't you being selfish - everyone else already can claim that! On paper, make the headline MOVE. Under that, list the steps needed to achieve this. Don't lump things together - separate items, so you can check them off when done.

The above suggestions need to be put in place. One step at a time. You CAN do this. Start by getting the friend and your son actively looking/moving - set a deadline date. Meanwhile, stop DOING things for everyone. Start weeding through things you don't need/want, give stuff away, throw it away, whatever, start downsizing. Start looking for rentals in FL at least. Buying may have to wait for your house sale and getting all the others off the freedom boat. When the "dust" in FL settles a bit, GO THERE ALONE for a week or 2. Stay in a hotel and pamper yourself. Get out and BREATHE! You might find you can unwind and actually sleep without taking anything! This may be what you need to make a firm break from it all. You might also find they all survive without you.

First of all, get a doctor to help you handle these pressures. Then find a way to get a doctor to examine him and get help. You cannot under any circumstances allow this alcoholism and its effects to continue. No one should put up with an alcoholic - they can and will make life hell for you. I know from something that happened to me many, many years ago. If he refuses to get help, then you must leave him but talk with an attorney who is experienced in situations like this. And why are you allowing your addict son (and his addict friends) in your home. No alcoholic should be in YOUR home. And as to your friend, I would lay the law down - she keeps the place neat and tidy starting at once to your standards or she has .......days to find another place. And be prepared to put her out. As to the animals, please have some compassion for them. They are not guilty of what she does/does not do. They are innocent victims. Take care of them but put her out unless she "cooperates" fully. Please try to get some counseling for support and make you strong. As to your husband, give him an ultimatum - stop drinking or divorce and he must get help at once.

If you are sick and tired of it all, and you're dreaming of getting your own life, then do it. "Alice doesn't live here any more" may be appropriate for you. Consult an experienced divorce attorney (or two). Make a plan. Stop taking care of all the adults in your home and start taking care of yourself. Since they won't leave, you can leave. Make a plan. Work the plan. You should receive at least half of the marital assets. The judge may order the home to be sold and the proceeds divided. Assets also include retirement plans. You may need a peaceful place to live until all is settled. A studio apartment? A room in someone else's home? Sounds like your dream is to live in Florida. Are you able to move there now - maybe get a job and a room there until the divorce is settled and you receive your half of the assets. You should still receive Soc Sec, or maybe even maintenance/alimony. You are literally disappearing by losing so much weight. Mental stress is very powerful. Make your plan now and start to work it. I wish you well and that you see that you do have strength to take back your life.

Quality vs quantity? Your choice.

You have two choices: Stay married, or file for divorce. I CANNOT advise what to do..but I'll tell you what I would do: If he's got money--stay married to him and eventually he will pass and you get it all. He's not going to stop drinking unless he wants to. If he's broke, divorce him. It's not worth it.

I got married for the financial security. He quit drinking on his own after marrying me, but if he wanted to drink I would care less. When he dies I get it all. That's just the way I feel about it. I won't remarry. All I care about is the money.

You have allowed people to take advantage for years. My sister's logic on having an adult son in her home was, I'm not going to take blood pressure and other meds to accommodate you living here any longer. You have a husband and a son, and then allowed a 'friend', to create anxiety issues for you. If you can't keep weight on now, this is not going to improve with your current situation.

Start with friend: have a very frank talk with her about your mental and physical situation and give her a deadline - say 2 months - to get her finances in order and locate another place to live. If she is paying you rent, you might just tuck that away and return 2 months of it on the day she tells you she has found a place. Yes, you are giving her money, but it's a very small price to pay to move her on. She, 2 dogs and a cat need to be out - she's not going to find a place until you bring it up and hold your ground. Once you talk, send her a text to 'confirm' the conversation.... I feel bad about having to have that talk with you, but I have to get my life in order. I wish I could offer more time than Aug 31, 2020 to be out, but I have to do this to get my personal affairs in order.

For your son - ask him where he wants to live and pay 2-3 mos rent/utils for him. You won't have to feel bad about putting him on the street because you aren't.

Then you're left with hubby. Be honest w/him. How many years you've played the game with him, hanging out/drinking all day during his work from home time, not bathing, etc etc. You would like him to start over with you in Florida, but if that's not what he wants to do - are you willing to move on without him? None of us are getting any younger and you deserve a happier life for yourself. That choice is yours. Divorce will split the funds from assets (house, etc). Maybe he and your son could buy you out and let you move on. The alternative is that you stay where you are and wishing you had moved on, I guess.

All you can do is tell him to stop drinking, sign the paperwork to sell or you'll be asking for a Divorce which will end up with selling the house to split anyways.

Your son needs to go along with your messy friend. Guests, like fish, stink after three days. Give them both an end date that's convenient for *you*. Both can rent a room somewhere within a week or two. And that's their job, not yours.

Your husband won't change until he wants to stop drinking. You focus on yourself. Too many caregivers die before the ones for whom they are caring.

You need to get rid of all the life sucking users in your house! For some reason, you seem to have a need to be needed. STOP! These selfish people are taking full advantage and wearing you down. Just like a virus, the users will move on to a different "host".However, I do think you need counseling to help you free yourself from being used.

There are Al-Anon meetings everywhere, and all you have to do to find them is to "Google Al-anon meetings near me." This is not the same as AA, which is for the alcoholic. Al-Anon is for the families of alcoholics. You will find more help there than you can imagine, but you do need to make a commitment (only to yourself) that you will attend meetings regularly. Your goal should be 90 meetings in 90 days, or as many as possible in your area. You are trying to establish new habits and new ways of coping, and it can take time and continuing reinforcement to do that. You will hear words coming from other people that may echo your own experience, and you'll know what they should do. Then the big leap is to be able to know what you, yourself, should do in that situation. Answers will come, and ways of coping will become apparent. Al-Anon is not free—but it usually costs only $1 or so each time. That's a lot less than medicine or doctor visits. If you let it, Al-Anon will transform your life.
And here's something else—there's no prize for being a martyr. Only a slow descent into a place you already know you don't want to go. So please take this life-saving step.

I agree with Doggomom - Your husband needs to be removed from the house & confront his disease. As long as he stays in the basement he is enabled to keep drinking. I'd go to an AA meeting & ask for help. AA members take care of their own. Address your health by seeing a doctor & revealing the meds you are on. Next, your home is your reprieve, so everyone else needs to go so you can think straight. Legas guidance can come after these matters are resolved. How that helps!

You are not a victim of other people's dysfunction. Your husband is not the only issue.

You are exactly right, you need to get a grip on your life. Do that by taking back your home from others using it as a flop house.

I'm so sorry. Really , you seem like a lovely, giving person and the people around you have absolutely taken advantage of that .
First off . Tell the girlfriend that you plan to sell and she need so look for alternative arrangements asap , or at least tell her straight that she needs to be tidy while in your home or she will have three weeks notice to get out . Enough is enough .
Tell your son that his friends are not welcome there any longer . It's your house and your rules , if he doesn't like it he can go somewhere else .
Call a doctor and see if they can assess your husband for placement in a rehab facility . Not sure if you can afford one but he needs to dry out and I'm not even sure how he can possibly work from home in the state you describe .
If that is not possible , you are not a martyr , stop letting him steal your life and your health . You did make vows I understand but this is too much for you now and he will drag you down most certainly if you don't call a divorce lawyer and explore your options in regards to money and the property . See what you can get to aid your escape . It will be an escape , no doubt about that. You married and made vows to the man that was your husband. You are living with someone else entirely instead .
You are trying to be a good person but you cannot live for others , you deserve happiness , you deserve freedom , you deserve peace of mind.
Seize it . Don't wait .
I pray you have the strength to do what you need to to get away .

Oh my goodness. My heart goes out to you. Stop this madness now. You got to. These grown adults, they got to go. All of them. They have to be responsible for themselves.

Focus on YOU and your husband. You all have been together this long.

Tell yourself, You are going to take care of you. Yes, you hate to see what your husband is doing to himself but you got to love yourself first. Don't let him bring you down with him.

Marntson, I have to tell you that you are being completely walked on and you have to stand up for it to stop.

1st thing, tell that "friend" to clean her crap up and take care of her animals or you will call animal control to come get them. Who moves into someone's house and doesn't take care of their own pets and go out of their way to be helpful and clean? You need to get on her every time she leaves a mess. That is so trashy I can't even imagine what kind of human would do that. Most certainly not a friend.

2nd thing, are you sure that your son is an ex addict? Because I know that being around the dope is not possible when you are clean, it is to much of a temptation. I would drug test him and tell him that he is outta there if he shows any dope. I would also put my foot down about his drug buddies even being in the house. Your son is a grown human, time for him to become a man and go get his own place, right now he is a guest that is taking advantage. Time to grow up boy.

3rd thing, you can't change addresses and expect it to change the fact that your husband is a drunk. He will be a drunk in Florida as well. You can not do anything for him, only for you.

Are you sure that you don't want to leave him and try to find a life for yourself? Because you would get half of everything and that may be enough for you to live.

Sending you strength to stand up and shake the dirt from your back. These people have to go, they have shown you who they are, believe them.

There are a lot of very good answers here. You are concerned about what your leaving will do to others, but no one seems concerned about what they are doing to you. You are on a lot of medication and are significantly underweight. You are struggling. Please stop taking care of all these needy adults and let them all learn to take care of themselves. You want to move to Florida? Go. Leave all of them behind. Go get your healthy life. Also please join Al Anon. It is an awesome support tool for those of us affected by a friend or relative’s alcoholism.
I divorced my alcoholic husband after 13 years and it was the best decision I’d made in a while, for both of us. Now he has no choice but to either confront and fight his disease, or live with the consequences of it. My being there only made it easier for him to continue drinking while took care of the ill effects, and that was damaging for both of us.

I’m sorry your going through this. But why would you feel you couldn’t put him through a divorce after all the years he put you through hell . If he cared at all about you he would have stopped drinking and gone to AA meetings and tried to help him self. But with you always there to take care of him, forgive him and put up with that behavior why would he need to change. He has it made . You need to leave . It’s clear you in caring for him has disabled him even more . He will never change with you there . You deserve some happiness in your life. Start caring about your self. It won’t be easy but after what you have lived with so long you will have no problem. And you should NEVER let your self be consumed by guilt. When you let him treat you like he has and you sit and put up with it all you have done is disabled him more . It’s time for tuff love. I left after 22 years of devoted loving care . Putting up with drunken tantrums, throwing his meals down the driveway, pushing me down injuring my back bad twice . I left moved to Arizona . After two years he called begging me to come home he would do anything , he said we would get married , marriage is what I had always wanted . I told him i’de give him 6 months. I went home to a filthy house , he had been seeing his dead best freind wife she was obsessed with him. I demanded he never see or speak to her again . I finally had to tell her I would file stalking charges If she ever called again. It stopped after 3 months . I started cutting his drinks in half watering them down . But in that 6 months I had him completely off the Booz . He had been very mentally abusing during our years but I was so in love with him I took it. While I was away from him I went to church prayed God would open his heart , let him know we are soul mates . I read the Bible days that it would be dark before I knew it. God answered me. On our last day of the marriage liscence we were married at the Ct house . He kept his promise he was a different man .
6 months later he had a stroke , then came Dementia , he’s now in pull ups like a 1 yr old , I bath, shave, dress , feed him he can do nothing on his own. I prayed God heard , I was brought back in time to care for him as I had always done. So I know what you’ve gone through I also know if you stay it will never change. Take care of your self for a change.
You have done your best to pull him out of his drunken world. It didn’t work . Now pull your self out of it , give you a chance at having a happy life why should both of you pay for his poor choices . I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world . I hope you start over , there’s happiness to be found out in this crazy world we live in . Go look for it. God bless 🙏🙏🙏🌺🌷💕

This is serious! Get the addict son out of the house. Get the untidy friend out. Take a stand for your own good. My nephew just died in circumstances similar to this, thinking he was "helping" a bunch of addicts by letting them live in and destroy his home. When he needed emergency medical help himself, they just watched him die. Your husband either makes a try at staying sober or he is out too. Or you leave. I mean it. Get moving. Therapy can come later if you still need it, but you should act now.

If husband will not take ownership of his addiction you cannot force him to be healthy. It sounds like he has had this issue for a long time.
I am more concerned about you. Get some therapy and is there somewhere you can go even for a short while? Start making plans to move somewhere if you can afford it because this life is going to kill you. You are the enabler here.

In addition to your other problems, may I suggest you are co-dependent in your husband's and son's substance abuse. You are enabling their behavior to continue and it is obviously hurting you. Please visit Al-Anon or any other group therapy for family of substance abusers. You need to get the other "needy" people out of your life and focus on regaining your health. The friend who needs a place needs to crash needs to go somewhere else - with another friend or family member, perhaps. The son needs to find a new place to live and gather with his friends. You need to decide - most likely with the help of a counsellor - what you want to do about you relationship with your husband. Please do not wait! Your weight is dangerously and life-threateningly low.

You have money to help everyone else. Take that money, move to florida, ALONE. You deserve your retirement too.

My Heart goes out to you. Nothing will be easy but it is so worth making a plan. Focus on what you can do.First I agree with the other person who said to get the dogs, cats and person to move out in one month. If you care about your son, you can encourage him to move on with his life. It will be good for him. Next look at the money situation.
Can you start setting aside funds for a security fund? Chaos is with any home with addicts. You can take a walk or listen to music or take up a hobby. I love to garden just pulling weeds feels good.Busy yourself with things that make you feel good. Try it for an hour a day. Counseling and Alanon help and so does going to church and mediation . You are in for a surprise because your life can improve in spite of the crazies. I met a wise woman who was working at a local Costco handing out samples. Her story was that she now lives alone after a difficult marriage. Her comment has stuck with me. She said that she is so grateful to work and go home to a "quiet peaceful" small apartment. She made it through and you can too.
If you make steps for yourself, you will find some peace. You have a choice!!! GO for it.

Speak to an attorney.

You are still young and have many good years ahead. Get out now and give yourself the chance you deserve to be really happy. Every day in your current dead end situation is a day wasted.