I am trying to find the best solution for my parents who are 83 & 82. Both are beginning to show signs of early dementia. My father has stopped paying his bills and neither of them can manage their meds anymore. Mom struggles to cook so we are finding they are basically living on cereal.
My parents lived in FL for many years but my dad had a few falls (one off a ladder) and mom also had a fall and broke her wrist. My siblings and I thought it would be best for them to move closer to family so they moved to NY (I am in CT, 2 siblings in NY, 2 in PA, and oldest will soon be retiring to FL).
They moved up two weeks before COVID shut everything down. They met very few people in their apartment complex, couldn't go to church and were afraid to go out to grocery store. This took a pretty large toll on both of them mentally. My dad had a few falls in the apartment and struggled with the cold winter weather due to diabetes, so I found an Independent/AL community in SC last October and they were moved down by family. At first everything was great but then the wheels fell off. The food was terrible and there was not adequate staffing (community had been bought out by another larger for profit company). My dad gav his 30 day notice to leave on January 1st. This gave my siblings and I a month to find a new place for them. My sister found an apartment complex not far from her in NY but it is not geared towards seniors and there have been several issues (no heat/hot water, sewer backup in tub, etc.) My dad calls almost everyday to complain about something so we are once again on the hunt for new housing....
My dad has had two 5 day hospital stays between last Dec (got Flu A from SC senior community in the shared dining room) and this past Feb (congestive heart failure and what now may be dementia).
I am now looking at Assisted Living communities (only assistance they need at this point is with meds and cooking/cleaning) The cost has been a shock no matter where I've looked (CT, NY, FL) All seem to be at least $5k/month for the 1st person with additional fee for the 2nd.
Has anyone found a smaller style senior living community that has worked? I believe there are some that feel more like home living with nurses on site to help. At this point, my parents do not own real estate as we thought it best for them not to purchase another home after the age of 80 but now wonder if this would come against them as far as qualifying for Medicaid when their savings have run out. Hoping to find a place that would cost less than $5k for both of them if this is possible. Seems the cost of everything is skyrocketing these days!
My sister who lives closest to them currently and myself have been the primary care takers for them as far as doctor appts, grocery shopping, cleaning, managing bills, etc. but it is becoming to much to handle from a distance.
I had contacted A Place For Mom but did not have a great experience and would not recommend them. If anyone knows of another Senior Living Advisor service that could help with search, please let me know! I have tried researching online myself but never seem to get the true cost without reaching out to each individual community....and then dealing with all the phone calls, emails, etc. from thei marketing dept. I am at a loss with how to help them right now.
TY
You might also inquire about Bethea Retirement Community, which is in the same area.
Prices in that part of SC aren't generally high for services, and it's a good place to live because of the easy climate and comparatively low cost of living.
Geriatric case managers might also be helpful.
I had to do this with my dad. It was amazing what he could accomplish without my help, even though the prior year you would have thought he was a complete mental and physical invalid.
The person(s) requiring help DO NOT get to run the show, period.
As hard as it is, dad needs to be told he doesn't get to run you all ragged because they didn't plan , well they did, failure to plan is planning to fail. Time for dad to get diagnosed and get set out of the way, if his dx warrants that.
I scanned thru the replies below , your father needs to get out of his way….. . I know, my mom often did not listen to reason. But not having all legal paper work done is a disaster in the making. Is it the cost to see a lawyer ? If so pull the forms off of the internet ( I used US Legal Forms , I believe ) have them notarized at the bank . Also tell Dad you need his CC to keep them in groceries, he’s not being fair..
I wish you luck
If you haven’t done so yet, find a good eldercare attorney who can counsel you.
My sister who lives closest to them and found their current living situation overpromised and under delivered. She originally said she would be there every day (25 min drive each way from her house) but this quickly became two times a week, sometimes once a week. I live 1.5hrs drive away and try to get there on weekends. We have both been ordering groceries for delivery but paying ourselves since we have not been able to get a cc from them to do so. While my dad had his last hospital stay in February, they wrote in the discharge notes that he had dementia and prescribed him Memantine. Although he has not gotten a formal diagnosis yet, he has been advised by two doctors not to drive. My sister has been taking them shopping when she visits and to their Dr. appts. There is no place walkable from their complex and senior shuttle service offered in their community will not service the area they are in, only the "downtown" area.
My dad is starting to realize they need more help and seems more open to moving to a senior community, just not willing to pay $7k/month + add'l fee for 2nd resident so we are looking for a lower cost option.
There are senior apartments geared toward seniors that are priced according to income.
They wouldn’t offer meals like assisted living does. They do offer shuttle buses to the grocery, pharmacy and doctor appointments.
You would have to figure out a different meal plan for them, such as hiring a cook or buying prepared meals and hiring a companion to help assist them.
I think I would prefer board and care or assisted living since they seem to be in need of more assistance.
So far The Manor in Florence, SC is the only place that offers one meal a day for Independent Living and they would pay for others as they go. This place also offers Assisted/Memory Care and offer an onsite Senior Healthcare Center but I don't think I have found one that would keep them all the way through to end of life.
Thanks!
My dad's would let him stay through hospice, this is an important question, no matter where they end up, because many facilities do NOT allow hospice. Meaning at the worst possible time you are looking for a facility for EOL care.
If location isn't an issue, I would look at surrounding states, this could help you find a cheaper facility that can meet their needs through death.
Good luck, it sounds like quite the circus.
Hoping to have a solution for them by end of summer! Seems CT, NJ, and NY are all about the same cost but hoping SC, GA, or FL have some better pricing options
I will look into the areas you mentioned. Thank you,
Do you mind me asking which state your mother was in? It would be easier to get them to move into another independent apartment knowing that help would be available as needed.
Thank you!
The price you mention is a GOOD one, and if care levels move up it will be a good deal more. My brother paid almost 5,000 for level I care 3 years ago in a nice place in Palm Springs; in my own area it would run half again as much easily.
Consider looking into a room in board and care. Less available now but often more homey and family run with only about 6-8 patients.
I think that your parents are not yet incompetent in their own decisions. That's going to be problematic in and of itself, because they are not happy with ANY of this, and as my brother said of his own ALF, good as it was, the major entertainment was to sit about and complain to one another about food and ill health.
You are in a difficult place with many different family members in different areas. Thank goodness for Zoom meetings, huh? So that's about as good as it gets, but at some point it can ALSO add to turmoil and confusion; if you are looking for happy parents at this point? Nope. Won't happen, I am thinking.
You didn't cause this situation, and you can't "fix it". There is no nirvana at the end of this path. I sure wish you good luck, and don't envy your situation at all.
I think that if I could find a suitable place in FL, they would be willing but it is hard without seeing it in person which would require one or more trips for myself (I think it would be too much for them at this point to travel multiple times). We are almost at our wits end!! My dad has become a constant complainer about everything!
I will continue the search in FL but so far am surprised by the cost which is almost comparable to some places in NY!
Thank you!
If you're checking with senior communities for them and don't want follow-up, get a burner phone from Walmart and only use that phone number.
Generally speaking, I believe that care facilities in South Carolina cost less than those in the northeast or Florida. There are nice ones in Ridgeway (Pruitt), Florence (The Manor), and Hartsville (Retreat). In Florida, there are many group homes in normal neighborhoods where patients live as a family with 24/7 care (WPB and Jupiter).
I hope you find something soon. This looks like another case of elderly who expect their children to be both ringmasters and safety nets as their health declines. So sad, and I wish you luck.