My father has been a major alcoholic my whole life (nice one) and has been in and out of the hospital for years. It finally caught up with him and dr told me he could no longer live alone and declared him incompitent along with liver failure and congestive heart failure. I put him in an assisted living/memory care (he finally gave in and didn't put up a fight) and is doing pretty well now that he has assistance, is being fed, taking meds and not allowed alcohol.
He has been asking to see one of his friends who he has lunch with and I know it's because he misses going out to restaurants and DRINKING. I feel bad not letting him have a bit of an outside social life (I live in a different state) but I know that one outing WILL involve alcohol and the whole spiral will happen again and will be kicked out of his assisted living. Not sure how to handle this, I don't want to control him or stop him from seeing his friends but this risk is too great. Help
Please join Al-Anon. They have telephone group meetings and online meetings. There are some in person meetings that have returned since the pandemic has lessened.
He also has a friend that we are certain was bringing him bottles when he was home and unable to drive. If you know the person that he's wanting to go with, I would def contact them and express your concerns. I think it would probably be best if the friend decided to just go see him at the ALF and maybe have dinner with him there. They do allow guests to eat for a small fee. At least dads does . Hope this rambling helps. Have a blessed day.
Nolan
As to outings for meals, then that is for you to do with Dad; you can monitor that there will not be alcohol.
The facility needs to be aware of Dad's history. Many facilities are loaded with mouthwash and many seniors who are alcoholic turn to this.
My fiancee taught me "people are going to do what they want to do...no matter what anyone says or does"
drink some chamomile & go for a walk at sunset...that will help you feel better :)
Does you dad get other visitors? Are there friends or family members who do or will visit without wanting to drink with him? I ask because if not, if this friend is the only person he may see and she is hesitant because of the drinking with nothing working out why is he staying in that area? I would never suggest he move in with you but you might consider setting him up closer to you. A change of area so no where near his old stomping grounds and regular visits from you might help him move further away from his addiction. Not suggesting he can manage it alone or be on his own and I’m thinking more about you but there could be other benefits to him starting a new chapter too.
The reality is it is easy to get alcohol in group homes and assisted livings even in facilities in which it is banned.
I don't know. Maybe it's me.
How much effort did it take to find and arrange to get him in the assisted/memory care place? The upside is you've got practice. Start your research again now. It might be a little embarassing though to explain why he was kicked out of the last place.
Don't most assisted living places let a visitor join for lunch? Offer to pay.
Pay for take-out and tell the visitor to bring it in.
Is there an AA person in his area that can join them in exchange for a donation. You can pay for that chaperon's lunch.
I so understand that you don't want to control daddy, it's uncomfortable, but you're in denial, he's not daddy. He never was.
When you think about it, you are letting an incompetent person take control. How about a year of sobriety earning him an outing to a restaurant. I really don't think that'll work but it may (I don't believe this either) buy you time.
Please reread the first paragraph. Yellow highlight your quotes, stick it on your bathroom mirror with copies inside your fridge, wallet, and on your sweetheart's forehead.
I don't know how you can legally stop him but you may be saving a life out there.
Going out to a restaurant that doesn't serve alcohol won't work. If the friend isn't going to respect the no drinking on the lunch date, they will find a way to drink.
The friend will sneak a bottle into the restaurant. Hopefully the OP can talk to this friend beforehand and explain that there can be no drinking and he's trustworthy enough to abide.
Beer or wine does the same thing as vodka or whisky.
I’m sorry for your pain.
My dads 1st facility had meal vouchers that you could purchase from the business office for $6 each meal, $10 if you paid at the table. Not bad for steak or salmon or 50 other lovely, delicious meals.
We would make it like a date, get there and walk up to the restaurant a bit before the meal, walk outside on the patio, then enjoy a leisurely meal with coffee and desert. My dad loved to be seen with visitors.
Maybe you could send her some vouchers and that would be the excuse to eat at the facility?
Have you talked to your dad about the importance of NOT imbibing at all? Could his doctor stress this, again?
While most AL facilities do allow alcohol and most have liquor licenses I would not even want your dads friend bringing in alcohol.
Do you know this person? Do you know them well enough that if you contacted them would they respect your "authority" and not provide alcohol to your dad? If so having them come to the facility for lunch might be a place to start.
Technically since your dad is in AL not Memory Care he can leave as he wishes. (Unless you have made other arrangements with the facility)
Is your dad on a medication that is often given to alcoholics that will make him very ill if he does consume alcohol? (think it is Antabuse)
Is your dad well aware that if he does drink, if he does revert to his old habits that he will get kicked out. Is he cognizant enough to fully understand this?
AND the important thing is are you willing to step aside if he does spiral down again?
If you KNOW what will happen then stop it before it starts. Restrict visiting to in the facility only and the guest is not to bring alcohol. Visiting to be done in public areas only (so no drinking in his apartment) and visits are supervised. If that is possible.
Rock.. YOU ..Hard place.
Tough decision. But bottom line is if you are in charge of him, legally responsible for his medical welfare I would not allow the visit. Maybe if you were there to join them but if it is just the two of them that would be a no from me.