My MIL moved here two weeks ago, and it has been pandemonium! She has a very strong southern accent, hard to understand her often. She was recently widowed in early 2024 by husband (80).
We helped find her a house here before she moved. Cute house with a reasonable price. She stayed at our house the first 13 days waiting for movers and getting some things ready.
She is a drinker and on the third night staying in her own house, she got hammered and fell off the back steps, ended up breaking her left arm and wrist badly. instead of calling us she drove herself to the ER at 230 am. These types of injuries happen once every couple of years with her and ALWAYS after drinking.
We have two kids, full time jobs, sports etc. and barely have any extra time. She didn’t weed her stuff out before moving here and now she has a whole arm out of commission, and I will have to spend every little free moment unpacking a ton of junk since she got drunk and fell. I am feeling so resentful, I’m crying just dreading what is to come. I can already feel our marriage hitting a low point because it never ends with her and now, she is in the same town. Help me please. My husband has buried his head in the sand yet again. I feel so alone in this. He set up a tee time to golf in am and I am going there to try to put some of the junk away and listen to her complain about how many things she doesn’t like about the house. I feel so bitter.
Says who? No, you don’t.
Your husband can. You will not, cannot! You need to draw the line in the sand NOW. Before long she could pull the “It’s better if I live with you” and your husband moves her in!
She could live another 20, 30 years. You have got to stand up NOW.
You have your own life. She is not your mother and not your problem. She will keep having accidents like this since she is a drunk and has no intentions of stopping. Tell her and husband that you will help when she completes a full in-facility rehab. She won’t of course, so you are going to focus on your home, your job, and your kids. As you ought. Let husband handle her. He keeps his head in the sand because he expects you to deal with her. And you are flat out not able to do it. If you start doing for her now, she (and husband) will expect you to rush to her aid any time she acts a fool.
Husband better cancel that tee time. Even if he doesn’t, you are not going to her house tomorrow. Or ever. They’ll complain and try to guilt you… do not bend!
That's a load of BS.
I tore my right rotator cuff in February, had surgery in March, was in a sling for 6 weeks and am now doing PT. You know what? I became quite adept at doing things one-armed with my weak arm. Necessity/mother of invention and all that stuff. Yes, it took me longer to do things, and I didn't do them quite as well as with my strong arm, but I was able to do most everything I was doing prior to the injury.
She can absolutely unpack many things one-armed. Not exceptionally heavy items that she would need 2 hands for, but lighter things like clothing, kitchen items, linens, etc., are totally doable. She may have to remove them one item at a time from it's box, but it can be done.
She is taking advantage of this injury and using it to manipulate you. When she/husband tells you she "can't", tell her it will be like an adventure, and you never really know what you can do until you try.
Well said.
To answer a couple questions, we never asked her to move here. She just always said if her husband passed away, she would move out here, cause she doesn’t have anybody in Tennessee. So it was never really a question that’s just what she said she would do, I honestly didn’t think that would ever happen yet here we are. I am 43. You are also right I would end up being divorced if I keep indulging in this, I will set boundaries, thank you, thank you, thank you. I checked this first thing this morning and didn’t see any responses and when I just looked at it now it was like little angels were with me. 💙
I would suggest you invite your husband to go attend an Al-Anon meeting. He may say no and in fact, expect him to say no. But you go by yourself no matter what. This is where you will learn boundaries. You will need clear and strong ones in this situation. Once she starts to relentlessly call your husband for help, he will eventually get sick of missing his tee times and maybe will also start finding healthy boundaries.
If she was alcoholic while raising him, then he has developed unhealthy ways of dealing with her. Who's idea was it for her to move here? If it was your husband's then "tag" -- he's it when it comes to her calls and neediness.
I also strongly recommend couples counseling so that your own marriage can sustain her chaos. Even if your husband won't go, you should go yourself.
I've been married for 42 years. I can tell you with absolute assurity that nagging your husband will only cause him to bury his head deeper into the sand. Instead, make sure you schedule date nights where his Mother is not a topic that comes up. A marriage is a garden that needs to be tended. Pull those weeds early and often.
No one can be assumed into caregiving. Sometimes it's a cultural thing so if he's from that type of family then you will need to make your role in all of it crystal clear to him and her. When my MIL started calling me at work to gripe about her loser husband (after we tried to help her to leave him time after time) I just one day politely told her to never talk to me about that topic again since she keeps choosing to stay with him. So she started calling my husband at work (we have a business together so I heard the calls). Then eventually he stopped accepting her calls without me having to say anything to him.
Do not allow yourself to feel guilty if she struggles -- she will! And all brought upon herself by her own choices. Don't rob her of those consequences because it's the only thing that will motivate her and your husband to make different and better decisions. Al-Anon and a good counselor will clarify things a lot and make this easier for you.
I wish you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you find and set healthy boundaries.
I also want to add, you should get your husband to Al-anon and it wouldnt hurt you either, a team effort for your marriage, to learn to not let his alcohol mother not run and or ruin your life's. And to learn how to not enable.
Because by unpacking for her you are already enabling her and enabling your husband, and it's only been a few weeks.
Every Alcoholic has a slew of enablers behind them.
Best of luck to you, any venting, question or problems, we are here!
Never better said than you said it here:
"Every Alcoholic has a slew of enablers behind them".
Hubby went to play golf, huh? Like heck he would! His mother, his problem. Don't fall into the habit of caretaking a drunk. I don't care whose mother it is!