My husband and I are in our mid 30's and live on farm and caretake for a long time family friend of my husband's. I'm 38 week's pregnant and we have 2 other children also. My husband has some major health issues also.
There's no money for in home care or nursing home care. Ray is 80 years old and is the last of his family. We've been taking care of him for a few years now. He had a 5 way open heart surgery last year and recovered well but then the dementia set in and it feels like it's so malicious the way he acts and the things he does.
It's been so stressful, he's constantly arguing about everything and makes no sense. Up all night flipping light switches on and off repeatedly, waking the kids up and everyone else. Diabetes and incontinence, won't keep his compression socks on.
I'm just so stressed out. How do I cope with this?
He will need alternative arrangements. Like 38 weeks ago.. but can't rewind, so from basically this week.
He will need someone to arrange his care needs, obtain & pay for support workers to assist him with his ADLs or assist him to move into care. This person will need his permission/or legal authorisation.
If his behavior is getting hard to cope with, your best bet may be to tell him that you are thinking of moving out and leaving him to cope with himself and the farm. Then try to negotiate some rules/ boundaries about the terms on which you will stay.
This arrangement may have worked for 5 years, but you need to think about your short term happiness and your long term security. Don’t let your future be ruined by expectations that may not work out.
Please can you be a bit clearer about all this, so that posters can be helpful without misunderstanding.
This is not going to get better. You can’t be a mother to your kids and him too.
You cope by getting him out of your home and into Memory Care. He is too far advanced for you to take care of him anymore. Soon you’ll have two babies… the one you birthed AND Ray.
If he is disruptive and argumentative, he shouldn’t be around your kids like this. How do you know he won’t hit them or yell at them? Try to pick up the baby and accidentally drop it?
You’re in way over your head here and your kids MUST come first.
With dementia, his behavior will continue to degrade, although your ability to cope might improve once you have had the baby and recovered from the birth. I think its appropriate to look for long term care solutions and support Ray by visiting and advocating for him while someone else take responsibility for his hour to hour care.
It was somewhat surprising, but I admired their support and perseverance. Farming families are different, but even farming life has changed. And given the situation, I think you're justified in changing the current situation.
I would begin contacting county and state employees in care departments to determine which might be available for him in professional care. This situation just seems to be too challenging for one family.
If he doesn't have funds for care, the governmental employees can help guide you to find care which doesn't need to be paid for by you.
Ray may need to go into Nursing Home care on Medicaid.
I honestly think at this time your obligation is to your own children, and I worry you are risking you own health.
Only you can make these decisions. I am so very sorry.