The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

How am I doing today? Struggling. My mother has always been mentally ill: Probably NPD and borderline, violent... She's very abusive and contoling. She's now 96. People she launches herself onto probably think it's dementia, but it's actually who she is.

She's in a particularly bad phase at the moment. Her approach to life has been to set fire (not literally) to everything around her, and then move (physically). She's lived many dozens of places over the years, often for only months. Sometimes for a year or two. I think she's moved about times. I went to 20 schools. She lived one place in her 70s about 5 years. Another time in her sixties for about 8. She's been married 5, maybe six times. She loathes anyone connected to her kids and grandkids, like friends and spouses, and especially pets. So they all keep their distance to the point of "no contact", or very limited contact.

She claims she is a "peaceful" person. Far, far from it.

Currently, she is sabbotaging the place where she lives. It's a minimal assistance place. She can get dinners, but hated the cook, so I cook and freeze meals for her, although I live an hour away and a 35$ return trip. (I'm 72.) That woman retired. There is a new employee (replacement) in her building of 8 suites, and she's out to get the woman. She's writing emails to the owners and managers, trying to get the woman fired saying extremely vile things. Mother tried to get me on-side. I said I thought she was being "harsh", and she went off like a bomb. The employer has a legal obligation to protect the woman from harassment. I won't be surprised if they have a lawyer step in during the next few days.

She wrote them an email in which she made all sorts of weird, false claims. She forwarded it to me, and I read it to a friend who thought anyone who read it would think she is insane. That friend has met her, recently, and agrees she seems pretty "with it". I don't think she has dementia. I've seen her lie throughout her life, and make bizarre claims before, over the years.

I feel like if they call the police or an ambulance, she will be taken to hospital (even further away and more expensive for me), and she will decompensate to the point that she will end up on a psych ward or in a nursing home chemically and perhaps physically restrained. She will go totally nuts - although what that looks like, I don't know, given how she has always been. I don't feel the need to protect her from that. I can't, and I don't want to, and I certainly don't want anyone to think I can take care of her in my 890 square feet.

I'm able to manage a few days of her nut-stuff, but then I panic. What happens if this, or that?

One of the things I've been thinking about today, after her now weeks of decomensation behaviour ... This is weird: Months ago, she went over with me and the "funeral director" what she wants. She wants a "tea party" with white table clothes, sandwiches, etc.. I always planned to pawn any speaking (etc.) off on her brothers. But she is predeceased by all of her siblings. My own siblings hate her. There are people who don't know her who would not understand the animosity toward her, but I think many would understand. She says she's considering her "options". I think she may be contemplating suicide. I also think she thinks everything is everyone else's fault and I very much doubt she has that kind of courage. I think my two 1/2 sisters (her children) would be happy to show up and totally trash her. I have nothing to say about a woman who beat me constantly as a child and did no end of s**t. All I could say do without spilling the beans is give birth a death facts. Marriage gets into weird stuff, as does residences (moving back and forth across the country multiple times).

What I really want to do is to say, "No service by request". Although that request would go against her wishes. I've spent my life doing what she wants. I don't want to do this, and I don't want to feel guilty about that too.

Hi Anxietynacy - I think that's fantastic about working on a list of things you'll do and NOT do under any circumstances - that is perfect! Setting boundaries is so important in order to take care of yourself. That's an empowering feeling and I'm glad you're feeling much better! The rest should fall on your brother being the POA. 

I need to do that better. I'm going to try to work on that. I really appreciate your motivating words!

Hi Beatty - OMG, Your "Mission Creep" description is spot on ...and the questions of "Where am I?" and "How to climb out?"...are exactly what I was asking myself yesterday and today....your timing in writing this was so perfect. Yes, Beatty...I get you too! 

I, too, am feeling so alone...I'm right there with you.  And the "background" sibling too....and yes, my sister barely does anything. She'll only surface when she's afraid of me totally bailing on my parents.  And yes, I know the feeling of "never getting a word in" and "so focused on their lives". I left the city to go to my parent's house to take care of a lot of responsibilities for them - I planned on staying thru the wkend - I'll never last.  My mother is already in one of her raging moods - it's hideous.  But, once their physical therapist showed up at the house, she became this pleasant, lovely woman to him...she can win an Oscar for her acting. 

I called my sister this morning to give her an update....my sister talked over me and she was more interested in talking about the date that she had last night. 

Beatty, I totally understand about having a cry tonight....I had mine yesterday - I really needed it. I hope things get better for both of us. And, happy to hear that you met a kind pastoral care worker today...that's uplifting and inspiring! 

Beatty,
Glad that you met someone kind today!

Beatty, (((((GREAT BIG WARM HUG)))))

"I think caregiving is insidious...it starts little by little ..." Yes Hopeforhelp I get you.

'Mission creep' is a term I learnt on this forum.

I saw it as a slide into a bog. A deep sticky bog. Once in it took time to feel the reality. Where am I? How to climb out?

I am also feeling so alone. I also have the 'background sibling'. So background..

I went to visit. To discuss it all. Never got a word in... so focused on their lives.. younger kids. I get it. But still so alone. Having a cry tonight.

But hope lives. I met a kind pastural care worker today. That was a positive.

Hopeful, I'm working on a list of things that I'm willing to do and things that I under no circumstances will I do and sending it to my brother that is POA.

It's helping me feel more in control and less used. Then moving forward he is going to have to decide what to do with the things I am unwilling to do. Giving it to him to figure out is making me feel much better!

HI Anxietynacy - I totally agree with you - this Forum helped me in so many ways. 

Happy to hear that you're pacing yourself and letting others do the work while taking a break. That's very important to take this time to recharge - you owe it to yourself and your own life!  And who needs to be popular with a dysfunctional family anyway! I've made friends my family these days. 

I'm trying hard to be more cognizant of my own life and for my own self care. We need to make sure to take care of ourselves!  

Sending you my very best wishes and much appreciation ~

Hopeful, you are so right, at the beginning it's a few errands, then groceries, then added doctors appointments, little by little you loose your life and your freedom.

Luckily for me I joined this forum before my life was completely gone. And I try not to do more than I can mentally handle. Actually taking a bit of break now and letting others do the work. To get my head back on, mostly guilt free. But is not making me very popular with my
dysfunctional family.

Best of luck, any questions ask away

Hi Anxietynacy & Golden....really, thank you both for your kind and very thoughtful words ...and for reaching out - it does really help me! 

Hi Anxietynacy - happy to hear that you've thankfully had a few good days this week...and yes, I can totally agree and relate to the "rollarcoaster" that caregiving brings. I think caregiving is insidious...it starts little by little ...and before you know it, you're on overdrive and you don't even recognize yourself or your own life anymore. 

I think my feeling "numb" these days seems to be my only way to get thru stressful situations - to put "blinders" on in order to move forward. I realize that it's not the best way to live - it eventually backs up on me.  I think today was one of those days. I'm feeling a bit blue - and that's not typical of my natural personality...but a person can only take so much. 

I'm trying to assist parents and a single aunt - they're all in their early 90's....it's a small family and basically all on me - my sister stays in the background...every now and then, she'll make a very small effort, but only when she sees the impact it's having on me.  And of course, none of them planned for their senior years.  And, when it comes to dysfunctional families, they're right up there! I could write a book.  

Hi Golden - your wise words and direction actually helped me to take a deep breath and center me - really thank you. What's dragging me down is I think caregiving is such an isolating feeling - I suppress most of it. I've tried to organize as much as possible for them - ordering their groceries weekly...getting meals sent...taking care of all of their mail, bill paying and finances - bringing in a housekeeper once a week to keep their homes clean and laundry, etc...but I get pulled into their urgencies and issues and crisis situations that arise and I'm constantly going back and forth leaving the city and going there ...and I've struggled with doing anything for them, being that I've suffered significant emotional and physical abuse by them in my adult years.  It's still very hard to speak about. 

I'm just trying my best right now - just praying each day and trying to get back to the me that I once was. Thank you both for listening and for your supportive words...it helped a lot! 

Sending you both much love ~ 

((((((Hope))))) Please step back and take some "me" time. Caregivers need to look after themselves too. Prioritize the tasks and do the "must do" ones, and let some of the others go. Senior parents can get tunnel vision and not realize the burden they put on their child(ren).

There is a difference between "needs" and "wants". Your job, if you chose to do it, is about making sure your parents/relatives are safe, have food, shelter, finances in order, i.e. see that their needs are met, but not to look after all their wants. Looking after their needs is a big job. Looking after their wants too can make the job impossible. Looking after more than one person becomes a too heavy burden often. You are only one and you have to look after yourself too, or the whole thing falls apart.

Can you give us more information about what is dragging you down?
Does your family have any other resources -e;g; money to hire some help, or go into a facility?

This situation has to work for all concerned and that includes you. Take care of you!!!

Hopefullyforhelp, sorry you are going through this, I have bad days too. Have had a few good days this week. It's a rollercoaster for sure.

But you sound like you are burning out, when your numb that's when I feel like it's getting to be enough is enough, you need to find a way out.

Is there a way for you to get a break so you can breath. I hear you on dysfunctional family's !!

Your not alone! Anything or question or venting go a head . We're here to listen

Hi - How am I doing today? Hmmm - not very well. My emotions come in waves. Usually, to get thru the stress of caregiving responsibilities, I seem to detach from my feelings in that moment just to get thru all of the work and tasks; and compartmentalize my anxiety, worries, and thoughts about the impact it all has on my own life. I feel like most of the time these days, I just walk around feeling numb. But eventually, it all bottles up and then I'll just feel a floodgate of emotions ....I guess today is one of those days where my heart literally hurts. Ugh.

Truthfully, I wish that my wife had been willing to leave her toxic mother decades ago. However, life is much better with her mom as well as my mom dead. I wish that her identical twin sister would have too as her husband sure did.

Hear hear Anxiety!

Gurshen, that's exactly how I feel. I left my family for ten years, then my dad died and there I am again, taking care of mom. Then all my issue came back, like I hit a brick wall.

I use to joke that maybe I was switched at birth, because they just are so different than me.

And since joining this forum and getting help other places , I've been getting the old me back. And man they don't like me.

And that's ok, cuz I realized, I don't like them all that much either. 🤪

Anxiety, I can relate to not liking who you are when you are around your family. It wasn't till the caregiving journey got really ugly that I started to become myself. I had always tried to fit in with my family up until then. I never felt I was like any of them. I felt like the outcast. Then when nobody stepped up to the plate for my mom and most of it fell on me that I realized that maybe I had something strong inside of me that they didn't. They don't seem to like the real me very much but that's okay cause I never liked who I was trying to be to fit in with them.

I guess you have to risk not being liked if you want to be your authentic self.

I've related this all on this forum before but it bears repeating especially if someone out there can relate and does not feel so alone knowing others feel the same.

Anxietynacy,

Good. I'm glad that your caught yourself and self regulated in a different direction.

We must have boundaries to help us avoiding becoming who we aren't.

Yoda, it was a very brief thought, just surprised me cuz that's just not who I am.

Probably why I don't like being around my family, because they turn me into something I'm not.

Anxietynacy,

You are welcome. "Doing things to his bed in anger or in his bed as a selfish escape? Either would be a flea because it would be more like a narcissist.

As far as time goes, tell me about it. I already had been dealing with toxic memories from my childhood and teen years, but I've been in therapy since 2009 when the really bad stuff, buried memories, came to mind. I've made a lot of progress. Most of my coping habits are behind me. As a statement on TikTok once said, 'you will come to despise what you were once so attracted to when you heal.' True, at the same time though, I have one coping mechanism that declines and rises according to how my emotions are, being triggered, plus returning or new memories.

Well, enough about me. I wish you the very best in dealing with your own fleas so we can all be as free of fleas as we can actually be!

So my brother stays at moms, one weekend a month, mom thinks she needs to wash his sheets and make his bed after.

Now she can't do that, she thought I was going to do it. I just through the sheets on his bed.

But in my mind I was thinking of things I'd like to do to his bed. Lol if I acted on that I would of been considered a flee?

Thank you Yoda, that makes a lot of sense now.

Coming from a dysfunctional family , I try to really learn about all this stuff.

I'm sure I've had times that I have been a flee.

I work on my emotional maturity, but there is always more to do , to be the best human I can be, and be educated.

Thank you so much

Anxietynacy,

Here is the address for the website where the article came from.

https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/fleas

One man I know whose wife has borderline personality disorder shocked me when he told me about his one night affair with TMI which gave me mental image of the person. He and his wife did get therapy. However, he told me that one of the first things the therapist said was to his wife, "your husband is not a bad man, this was a coping response to your sickness." I'm not sure how, but they are still together. Sometimes a rape victim in anger and hurt will return to the scene of the event but carry an automatic rifle which is not like her, but it gives her a sense of control and closure. Often times girls who grow up with not much of a dad will go wild looking for love in all the wrong places literally. I met several of those in high school even in Christian groups who in a secluded area would come on super strong. Many in the sex industry who are not there because of human trafficking are there because a family member raped them. They hate the men who they make money off of. Sorry, I'm so full of extreme examples and I'm not saying any of these could be at anytime possible of you. But these are the things that people get caught up with that began with being bitten by fleas and either not be able or just not getting help they end up somewhere that is really not them.

Anxietynacy,

Thanks for asking. By fleas, I mean traits that get developed on the surface of our personalities as a defense or coping mechanism. They are not really engrained parts of our personality, but they are there on the surface which means that they can come off.

Ok, I found an article that explains this much better. I can write out the link, but I don't think that I can post the link.

"Fleas - When a non-personality-disordered individual (Non-PD) begins imitating or emulating some of the disordered behavior of a loved one or family member with a personality disorder this is sometimes referred to as "getting fleas".

Fleas comes from the adage “Lie down with dogs and you are bound to get fleas”.

Sometimes, when a person has been exposed to an abusive situation for a sustained period, they will look for ways to escape - and sometimes they will experiment or resort to behaviors which are not characteristic but serve as a mechanism to demonstrate their anger.

These behaviors are often destructive and counter-productive and rarely get the abuse victim what they want. These behaviors usually result in regret, shame and apologies from the abuse victim towards their perpetrator. Some perpetrators may seize on such incidents as justification for their own abusive behavior or as a diversion from it.

Some Examples of Fleas

A submissive partner who occasionally becomes violent towards an abusive person or towards their property.

A placid individual who engages in name-calling, shouting or slander.

A faithful spouse who decides to have an affair.

What it Feels Like

If you have been living for a long time with a person who suffers from a personality disorder, chances are you have been living with the 3 dreadful companions - hopelessness, helplessness and powerlessness. Like an animal forced into a corner it is quite common to have the instinct to fight your way out of it.

Anger is a feeling that comes instinctively when we feel we aren't getting what we deserve. When we feel angry, our bodies produce adrenaline, our breathing rate and heart rate quicken. Our ability to think objectively and perform other maintenance tasks is reduced as our bodies instinctively divert resources towards our "fight or flight" mechanisms. We become like a tightly-wound spring.

However, most Non-PD's are more accustomed to "keeping the peace" than being aggressors and most of us are not comfortable or accomplished in winning arguments or fights.

We will often back down or feel remorse after lashing out. We may begin to compare our behavior to that of the person with the personality disorder and wonder if we are the ones who have "the" problem. It is common for Non-PD's to begin to question if they are the one who suffers from a personality disorder. It is also common for Non-PD's to greatly fear retribution after an angry outburst and engage in a manipulative campaign, similar to hoovering to try to deflect consequences or payback.

What NOT to do

If you find you are doing things that you are not proud of and think you may be getting fleas:

Don't fight fire with fire with a person who is abusing you - you will just feel twice the heat.

Don't use their poor choices as an excuse or justification for making bad choices of your own.

Don't allow your own bad choices to be used as an excuse for somebody else's bad behavior. Everyone gets to be responsible for their own stuff.

What TO do

Learn all you can about personality disorders and the abusive cycle.

Get yourself a support network where you can discuss things that concern you without feeling judged.

Work on setting Boundaries that will help you escape the feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and powerlessness.

Take along a friend or therapist if appropriate and confront the behaviors of your abuser in an assertive, rather than an aggressive way.

Promptly remove yourself and any innocent children from any verbally or physically abusive situations.

I will post again.

Thanks Yoda, I'm fighting 3 of them to get what best for mom.

3 against 1 ugh.

Curious what do you mean by flees, exactly?

Anxietynacy,

Yes and that involves getting free from the trauma bond.

Another thing that can happen, but not always nor automatically is that the child of a narcissist will develop some traits as a means of survival and they can get help for those, what I call mental health flees.

I wish you the best in your journey.

I've just been realizing, something about narssasistic parents and there children.

Often the children of a narssasist just wants to be loved because they have had so little of it.

The child of a narcissist takes on the roll of caregiving, hoping to get that love.

The narssasist withholds that love to keep the neglected child coming back , over and over hoping , this time I'll get love. The narssasist with holds it to keep them coming back. They fear that if they finally give the person taking care of them the love and acceptance they crave they won't come back. Which is a way to control.


So if us lost children of a narssasist accept the fact that we are looking for love in all the wrong place. They won't be able to control us that way anymore

🙂 today's wisdom quote:

“It’s a good day
to scream into your pillow.”

So my high school bf , I dumped because he was boring I'll say. I dumped him and met my ex. High school BF came out, like 5 years after . Living his best life Ptown Rhode Island.

Now my ex. 🤣 Im not sure what wrong with me I turn men gay. 😂
I am not judgmental at all but.....
It's a little weird

Way , that's so adorable. 🥰

who knows what will be going on at the time. Time will tell.

But now mom is being really nice, an unfake honest nice. And POA brother is fitting in more time to go to moms.

I'm just not a fan of being neat mostly my brother, but bro and ex is a lot!

So it's all going good!!