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5 6 7 8 9
"..when we visit and she starts in about the kids ??"

Back on out of MIL's drama. Away from that corner she is trying to push you into - being her Rescuer.

Idea 1. Neutral/Grey Rock-like
Are they 'kids'?
No. So correct her. Again.

Well, as you know MIL, they are ADULTS now. They are in charge of their own lives. *then silence*

Idea 2. Twist it
Reinforce how POSITIVE her idea to get in touch with the Grandkids is!!. But TWIST the idea.. what a GREAT idea! Yes you should call them! Do a video call.. or txt, they use that more (if they do). Do you have their phone numbers?
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How about the following 'words of wisdom': "Please don’t talk to my children like that. I am their parent, not you. I do not agree with your views on what they should do or what I should do. If you want us to care for you and about you, please stop trying to force your views. This is not improving the respect that anyone in the family has for YOU. Please be quiet." See how it goes?

And if it's meltdown, just repeat repeat repeat. If it's gobble gobble gobble, start with 'Please be quiet'. Finishing with 'Goodbye' if three repeats don't work.
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Ok Beatty and Golden ,

What words of wisdom do I hit MIL with when we visit and she starts in about the kids ??
I need a better way to say “ shut up “ without actually saying it . I’m fed up .

Ive already told her they are adults and I don’t tell them what to do .
But she has very definate ideas about “ family” ( obligations ).
And she believes DH and I ( as their parents ) should be calling out the kids on this .
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You got it Golden.
Way's MIL has a phone right?
Could CALL the Grands herself.. but no.
Why do the work yourself when you can send out a *flying monkey*?
Why risk the embarressment of calling a Grandchild & risk them being busy & being brushed off? Not when you can sit at home using FOG to guilt your Son to do it for you. So HE is the annoying one calling & getting the brush off.

Manipulation & triangulation.
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@Golden,

I know DH has to not get sucked in .

My MIL brags about her “ people skills “.
We get the side her friends don’t see .

The passive aggressive manipulative comments . The pleasant tone she uses is supposed to get her what she thinks she is entitled to. But we have always been wrong in her eyes for not doing things her way .
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way - your kids are their own persons and make their own decisions. It's not up to you and dh to convince them to visit mil. That they don't want to is on her - frail or not. It's just another game to jerk dh around and get him to do her bidding. He needs to cut the strings.
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I have a headache just thinking about having to visit with MIL , talking to us like we are bad children .

And DH is having a hard time standing up to her because she is so frail looking now . She’s got him thinking the kids should visit because she’s old and she wants to see them . She has no one else to blame but herself for her grandkids not wanting to visit .

She is all hyper focused on great grands , so she can keep up with her friends.
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Waytomisery, oh yeah my mom tried to do that to me. It all my fault for not raising them right. Lol maybe she is the one that didn't raise me right. mom finally gave up on me pushing my kids to see her more. That was one of my first things I stuck up for.

It's got to be so difficult trying to get your husband to see what we all know. I know my husband has been through this with me at times too, and wasn't sure how to fix it

Golden , Thanks, you are exactly right!!!!!
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way - they will always guilt trip. It's a given. It's who they are and does not have to define the relationship. Easier to say now that I am out of it. Dh is walking on eggshells? He is a caring son. He does not need to attend to her wants or whims. These narc parents just love jerking their kids around. I think it gives them a sense of control.

You and dh have needs too that can and often should come first. Keep up supporting him in the right direction!!!

nacy, that's good. Do what you decide you can/want to do. Let the rest go. It's not your responsibility. Your bro has POA. It's his responsibility.
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ThanksAnxiety ,

I can’t deal with entitlement . She is demanding to see my children . I will not ask my adult children to come along with us to visit my MIL so she can interrogate, criticize and lecture them about their lives . They have both had it with her. I’m sure they would not come ..
I have good kids . But my MIL believes she is entitled to know all their business and why they haven’t given her great grandchildren .

She WANTS a visit so she can harp on the things she WANTS from them .
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Waytomisery, so sorry, I hope DH listens to you! It's so wrong what mil does to him
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Thanks golden, yeah I'm just seeing things with new eyes and kinda of even suprised myself how I feel. so much has changed for me, in a good way.

I told her I'll take her back and forth to physical therapy, starting next week. I'll do that , so I can say I did what I could do "if" ( more like when) her back pain comes back I'll know I did what I could, and wash my hands.

I'll do outings with her for now because that's less communication and she is in a better mood.

I'm in a very good place now. I'm an AC success story. 🤗
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Another wonderful guilt tripping phone call with MIL .
I’m Having to reinforce to DH ……..
Needs vs his mother’s Wants .
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nacy - re visits with mother, I ended up visiting infrequently ( 4x a year but then I lived 250 miles away) and only for a short time and as much as possible with someone with me for support. Her behaviour was better than if I was alone. You don't have to entertain your mother, nacy. She has a life, you have a life. I had POA and saw to it that mother's needs were met, her finances taken care of, and after she passed her estate dealt with. I did this at arms length from her and my sis as much as possible. I needed to do that for my own survival.

gershun - I have totally cut contact with my sis. She is just too toxic. If she needs help she has a husband and an adult child and a cousin or two. It won't be me helping her. As I get older I have to look out for me more and more. Taking care of self takes more time and energy than it did. Not to speak of R and all his "happenings." Sis sees me as someone to do stuff for her. As did mother. Uh, uh! No, not me. I'm done with the Cinderella role, the scapegoat role and a few others. You don't have to look after any of them. You did more than enough looking after your mum. Your first priority is to you and your hub. That should be enough! ((((hugs)))) re Hendrick.

Beatty - it's good when we look at our families with fresh eyes to see what is, not what we want, or what we thought we had.
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Yes gurshen, now I remember, sorry so much going on , I new there was something sad in your life but couldn't remember what . Keep us posted on your beloved little friend. 😞
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Beatty, I'm not sure I'm understanding that post?
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"You really see your siblings etc. for who they are".

Hasn't visited.. doesn't call.. there was a txt or 2.. but any I send seem to get a reply that could be AI.

What do I *see*?
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Thx Anxiety.

Yeah, still watching, waiting and wondering how my kitty is
doing. He keeps fighting.

I'll keep fighting for him as long as necessary.
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Gurshen, your so right, and I've had all these realization recently, so my mind is 🤯 . I should of giving it more time before I went, she really didn't need me today.

Hope things are going better with you I saw a post recently that sounded like you were having a hard time?
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Anxiety, it's funny how caregiving for a parent really shines a dark light on how
our family dynamics are. You really see your siblings etc. for who they are.

I doubt my family will ever come together as a unit ever. No doubt it will take one of us getting ill for us to try to bond again.

I find I need to emotionally isolate from my family in order to maintain my sense of self. I do love them and pray for them and if they ever needed me I would be there but I can't allow myself to be vulnerable around them.
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Lol, we where talking about JFKs death today, just contemplating it all , and the maybes?

Then I mentioned that his family shouldnt of been so involved in his business with him.

Mom disagreed, she said family is who should be there because that's who you trust.

Hahahaha , Trust my family, omg they are the last people on earth I trust .

I wasn't planning on staying anyways but I left sooner than I should have , before I said anything.

It's going to take some practice and a bit of time, but I've got to do like you said , take the emotional aspect out of it .
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@anxiety ,

There are plenty of things in the news you could talk to Mom about or you could watch a movie together and just talk about the movie .

Stay clear of family conversations
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That's a good idea way! thanks, to start thinking of mom as a client and a job. Thanks 🥴 I don't know why I didn't think of that.

I'm actually cleaning a lot lot less. Letting things go and she is surface cleaning. And doing the things she can't , like the bed.

I went out today to bring her some tomatoes that someone gave me, and figured she could use some company. honestly with my mouth now, I don't think my company is very good for her. 🤗
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@Anxiety,

IF you choose to keep going over to Moms’s just try to treat her like a homecare client. Don’t talk about family .
I resorted to that , it helped sometimes .

Also you shouldn’t have to clean the house , tell your brother to hire a house cleaner to come once a week . Why should you do it ? your siblings aren’t cleaning .
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A question for all of us in disfuctional families.

I have been doing so much mental health work, I feel so good and emotionally healthy and some healing. Cleaning up the fog.

My issue is how the heck do I spend any time with my mom, or anyone in the family actually, when I know they are just a bunch of sad narssasist.

I went to moms today, I had to leave early because If I didn't id say something hurtful, when she was talking about how people should trust family ( family is the last person I can trust)

Honestly I wanted to keep doing this, but I'm starting to wonder if it's possible for me to do.

Any thoughts?
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Well I was a caregiver until all my siblings found out and ran me off.. Now that Mom and Dad are gone all my siblings has nothing to do with me and the family home which was mine well my half sister Mom's oldest daughter and my oldest real brother added their names to the deed and had it recorded which now I have to take them to court and show the deed that they have is invalid due to having dad's signature and it required mom and me since I was added in 2017 and what they did was 2019. Very dysfunctional family. Hope that's not TMI. I have so much more I could say. Like no one told me if the will being read but the house wasn't in it anyway due to me owning but the house they stripped away inside and outside and they won't let me in the house. I would have to get the cops. I'm the youngest of 6. Which makes it hard for me to confront any plus I have social and mental problems now and I couldn't do it on my own. My family home was given to me in 89 by my parents it was to make sure their daughters had a home. My M&D had 2 girls and 2 boys and Mom had girl and boy before Dad. The girl is the one that has taken the house and she has not ever lived out been there. But lives there now. She's 69 and I'm 57 so you can tell by age I didn't grow up with her or half brother. They were grown and gone before me and before Dad built the house that they visited once a year of that. Anyways thank you from a dysfunctional one.
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@Lora626,

I’m so sorry . I wish you peace .
((((Hugs))))
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HI Lora - I'm really sorry to hear what you're going thru. I wish you continued full healing and strength - and for better and brighter days to come for YOU.
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Relieved when parents died. Thru dads ashes in garbage. Brother wanted my mother's. So fine. Never realized what they were til at 62 years old got stage 4 colon and liver cancer. He was already dead but mother reaction was all about her problems and who would take care of her. I did thru surgery and chemo for myself. She finally died at 90. Husband got Alzheimer's. Took care of him for 7 years. Put him in assisted living 3 months ago. Cancer back again. Can't wait to die.
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Waytomisery, vent anytime!

I've made some huge revelation this weekend. My family and I, are so different. We are not politically the same, religiously the same, even morally different, when it comes accepting people different than them. Worshiping all the men in my family, and being a subservient is definitely not me, or who I'll ever be. But that's there world.

Mom enabled my dad to be a mean jerk, then she raised my brother to be his twin , even looks like my dad.

I left for ten years found who I am, without there influence, and I like me. Now I go back and I'm like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, and I just don't fit.

No wonder I at times feel like the cheese fell of my cracker.

I gotta go to moms today, but instead I'm thinking saying, I gotta go down the rabbit hole today.
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