The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi, All! I know I haven't been able to post in a few days, and boy, just catching up on all your posts has taken me an hour to read! :-) I'm so sorry so many of you have had a tumultuous couple of days! My prayers are with you all! I have been busy helping a wonderful friend of mine...She has leukemia...She is currently in remission, waiting for a bone marrow match. We are trying to figure out how to get more people to register. The need is SO GREAT! I've been writing/calling local news stations, celebs., and charities. There is so much bureaucracy, and red tape...it sickens me! She can't believe I would help her to this extent. I can't imagine not doing it! I'm sure you all would agree with me, right? Thanks for listening, again :-)

Thank you, Banshee. I don't think there is an easy answer. I'm not a religious person, but I do think this is one I'll put in God's hands and hope that he'll grant some wisdom on how to handle things as they come. I am so glad for this group, since it is hard to talk about these things to other people. When I woke up this morning, I realized I was going to have to take more of a parent role and less of a daughter one. I understand that my mother is afraid to lose my father, but I don't want her fear to be expressed as anger against him. He has enough to deal with already. Perhaps there is a way to express the fear and grief in a better way.

I love this topic!!

Morning all!
I woke up feeling very depressed but after reading the love and support shared by everyone my spirit is rising. I guess that's what we're all about.

cmag- I know those first 24 hours are rough but get as much rest as you can and know we're with you in love.

banshee -your words have given me strength to face this morning. I can only take one hour at a time and right now for this hour mom's still sleeping. :)

JesseBelle- God is sending His love to you through your rabbits. My prayers are with you.

emjo- Love to you from your brothers and sisters here. ; )

Update- mom denied the whole incident to my husband last night. I stood there with my mouth open listening to her explain that she didn't push me or slam the briefcase on my hand. I couldn't help but wonder if she were playing him against me. I will not sacrifice 35 years of marriage for my mother. I honestly don't know if it's progressive dementia or progessive narcissism. I can handle the dementia better than knowing she's being manipulative. ALF w/memory care is the best arrangements for her and my marriage. I know she won't be cooperative but I pray God will show me the way.
Love to all!

cmag Thank you for letting us know that you are both home safe and sound. Please let your wife know she is in my prayers still and I hope she was able to get some rest. (And you too...take good care)

JesseBelle Good lord my poor darling!! I am amazed you can still function at all with all the enturbulation around you. I wish I had answers for you, maybe someone else will have some ideas. What I can offer is this: your bunnies love you and you them...I believe they understand what you are going through and there are no conditions on that love. That being said, spend whatever time you can with them soaking in the love and know that all of us love you without conditions too! Sending you more than enough love to shield you in whatever battles you may be facing. You are SUCH a good person!!!!!! xoxoxo

People here are probably going to start thinking I live in a crazy house. I am starting to think that myself. The last week has brought an ugly change in the behavior of my mother. I know it is difficult to keep everyone sorted on the group, so I'll mention a bit about my parents again. My father is agoraphobic and has what looks like Asperger's and absolutely dreads contact with anyone other than my mother. Occasionally he'll let me into his small circle. My mother is undiagnosed, but appears to have mild dementia. She can drive people around her crazy with her worrying and fretting.

My mother recently called in a home care company for my father. My father quickly became overwhelmed, as did my mother. They both asked me to cancel the OT & PT, which I did. Then my mother became angry, crying and yelling about how Dad was trying to kill himself. She said that he had promised her he would never do what his mother did, and that he was doing exactly that. My father just pulled into himself, stopped eating, and got very weak this weekend. We are continuing with the home care, but limiting it to one appointment a day. My mother says again she wants to stop them from coming in (for various reasons).

Today my father was better. The OT came in and he perked up. He was doing just fine for him. My mother started passing him some notes (he's deaf) about how she will go to the hospital with him if he will go. Where this came from, I don't know. I heard her say something about hospital, so went to find out what was going on. She got mad when I read what she wrote. I told her that Dad was not going to the hospital. I asked her why she was trying to upset him and told her I was tired of the drama. I told her she needed to get out of the house and do something, so maybe she wouldn't be so bored she needed to invent drama. She was not happy, but I think she knew I was right. She went for a long walk. It was a beautiful day, so I hoped it would help. While she was gone, Dad perked up and even started to do his income taxes.

Tonight when my father was going to bed, she started accusing him of trying to commit suicide again. I came in. She started crying, saying he had told her he would never do what his mother did. She is really stuck on that right now. She did not like my father's mother at all, and has frequently used her as a weapon against him.

I'm wondering what is going on. Is she afraid of losing him and getting mad at him because she think he's not trying hard enough? Or is she trying to nudge him over the edge? I am starting to wonder if she may need some serious help, so it will take the stress off my father. It is true that he seems to want to die. She goes back and forth between acceptance and combativeness. This is one of the most difficult situations I have encountered to date. I know there is no easy answer except to take it one incident at a time, but I wanted to talk about it to someone.

Another bad thing is all the upset is taking so much time that I haven't been able to do my own work. Something has to give.

thanks, just picked up the new med. Recovery from this surgery takes 4-6 weeks and the first 24 hours are the toughest with coming off of the anesthesia.

glad it is done, cmag and that some meds will be available in a form your wife can use therm
- thanks for updating us - prayers that the nausea goes away and she heals well

My wife's carpel tunnel surgery went fine, but post op was rough with nausea which continued during our hour ride home. Since she could not keep down a little bit of crackers and ginger ale, it was obvious that she can't take her pain or other meds. We called in about this once we got home a few minutes ago. My wife told them that she needs a suppository like she has needed in the past. The on call doctor is calling in something. I'm glad that our pharmacy stays open late at night.

Amen!! And I am proud of you!

thanks banshee, I know, and my sis and I are not at all alike. I feel badly for how she treats her son and family. I know it is out of my control. He and his family and I are developing a very nice relationship. Now, she us trying to stir up trouble between mother and me over mother's 100th b'day ceklebration. Not going to happen, I am not taking the bait. Mother can stir up enough trouble without any help from her lol.
Ah, a little simplicity would be nice...

CMag Prayers for wife, please write when you can and know our hearts are with you.

emjo Gentle nudge...you are not your sister, her actions and inactions are out of your control. Love your nephew with all your heart (he is a lucky man) and goodness will reign. We should all be so blessed to have you for an auntie. XO

burned (((((hugs)))) - I agree totally with the others and that detachment is the best place to be with that family of yours and his
Isn't it wonderful when we fully realize that it is not our job to fix anyone - that's letting go of the codependency and becoming healthy
banshee - I am glad for you that your mum is in LTC and that you choose not to visit when she turns ugly - it is very important to remember that "she can't hurt me anymore unless I make myself available" - so much wisdom in that, I am learning to make myself less available too
austin - so glad you got to that point too - let go and let God.
cmag - thanks for your research - we have so much to learn, hope your wife's carpal tunnel surgery goes well today
jessie - are u back on the detachment wagon?
today I am sad as I have been in contact with my nephew - my sister is narcissistic too, and more vicious/heartless than my mum, I have slowly been developing a relationship with my nephew and family, who are a long distance away, but email works. He is estranged from his mum and she has disinherited him (long story). They have the most beautiful little boy, her only grandchild and she pays no attention to him. This morning he wrote and told me some things my sis had said to his wife when she was 2 weeks post partum, and I am shocked and saddened and my resolve to visit them one day is increased. Today, I am ashamed of my family and their behaviour.

Austin You are too good to be true!!! I love you for sharing that you apologized to GOD for your husband. Sh-h I hear your angel wings flapping. Love, love, love to you for putting this smile on my face.

That is a very good point it is not your job to fix others -what a relief it was to realize it was not my job to make my husband happier when all he wanted to do was fuss and fight-I even told God I feel bad it's his problem now and apoligzed for my husbands behaivor in heaven-maybe he has learned his lessons by now.

Burned You are doing the very best you can with what you have available, you are a fighter, and I can tell you love your family very much. I know it sounds glib, but look after your own and anyone who isn't validating you...let them go! Is there a patient's advocate that could assist with your sweetheart? When it comes to relative's wanting more...I would turn off the phone, the lights, and lock your door!! You are doing all you can and then some. It is not your job to fix everyone else. Do at least one nice thing for yourself today OK?

sballen My soul is sending yours all the love and support of the universe. It is frightening (or it is for me) when my mom does these things too. And going home? She may be further into dementia than has been diagnosed. I can tell you that I LOVE that she is in LTC. They are trained to care for her and when she turns ugly I can choose to not visit or answer my phone. It is a hard change to make, but my fear & anxiety levels drop daily, just knowing she can't hurt me anymore unless I make myself available. I wish I could pick you up and go "home hunting" with you. Do you have a friend that could help you with this?

((((((((sballen))))))) - so sorry you are going through this - it sounds like your mum has taken a (big?) step downhill
hope your hand is OK and that you get through to the doc and get some help quickly
maybe time to tour those ALFs,
Let us know how it goes more ((((((hugs))))))

sballen, this sounds so frightening. Please let us know how things are. Is your hand okay? We are here for you, honey.

Morning Everyone,
Well, mom had a meltdown this morning. This was my first time witnessing it. She pushed me out of her room(literally), demanded to go home immediately (lives 3 hours away), and slammed a briefcase on my hand. She became completely irrational...Stage3???
I have a call to her doctor but had to vent first. I'm still shaking.

I hate to say it but I am woefully and complete detached except my family. I can communicate to my parents fine and but I cannot bring myself to communicate to his side of the family. They have done and said cruel things behind my back and yet I am suppose to take care of his sister and him at the same time. I am sorry I cannot do that...If i had a bigger place and more money I would but I do not; its difficult to save money and still look for another job. Yes I am still looking and right now I have to accept the peanuts I am making until hubby gets worse tho case manager has said NH and he doesnt want to do that. I can fully understand that but I am tired, depressed and feeling angry or locked away. Sometimes I feel as tho I am empty of emotion yet still have the context to feel and do but I am will not respond to the aid of a family that has barely responded to the aid of my husband whose their brother..and this laugh his nephew is supposedly coming to live in Ajo, I wonder if its a communal plan to plant a spy in my midst or something like that...I hope it takes him a good awhile before he gets here...and that his family keeps him too busy as it is to see his uncle God allowing should he want that. I know we all been thru something and terrible losses but its the fact that we fight to get rid of the chip from the burdens we feel yet this situation is not a burden its one of love and faithful. ALL I can say is THANK GOD and btw someone passes judgement on u because ur the only one doing it then they have no say in it anymore. YOu are doing what they refuse to do and in the end expect something. we do rock and we are the rock that is only left in other lives and therefore have to become their angels even if its bittersweet but its done with the best of good intentions and actual love that is compassion which the world sorely lacks..

Amen,. austin! she will will continue to out up barriers.
(((((((Jessie)))))) just catching up with your posts now
Sorry you fell off the detachment wagon – (but, like that phrase). Sometimes everything you do is the wrong thing BTDT, Glad you have the rabbits to cuddle. Pets are wonderful companions.
Also glad one sil is supportive. Hope you can ignore the other one. You are absolutely right, if Jesus were there he would sit and hold dad’s hand. What a gift that OT is!
Caregivers do rock, and do go through a lot!
Jessie, I am glad you went to the DONM site. It has so much good information and many suggestions. Your mum’s reactions do sound narcissistic.. Narcissists always stir up the waters and create problems- - doesn’t matter what it is about, or if it makes no sense to you.
There are several theories about the cause of personality disorders such as narcissism, but none of these are really clear. Here is a quote from the Mayo Clinic about causes, which includes pretty well everything I have read.
“It's not known what causes narcissistic personality disorder. As with other mental disorders, the cause is likely complex. The cause may be linked to a dysfunctional childhood, such as excessive pampering, extremely high expectations, abuse or neglect. It's also possible that genetics or psychobiology — the connection between the brain and behavior and thinking — plays a role in the development of narcissistic personality disorder.”
In my mother’s extended family there were several women, and one man that I know of, who were “strange” and self centered. Mother is one of them. Her 4 siblings (now deceased) were the nicest people you could meet, as were my grandfather and grandmother. This leads me to suspect a genetic connection in her case, and the others in her family. There was no abuse, or neglect or pampering.
Madge – ((((hugs))))). I sure hope your mum does not take you up on that offer. Her nursing home suggestion sounds good to me. Hold her to it, if you need to! Yes, the chickens do come home to roost. Good to see you posting

I agree take the tours with or without her and narrow it down -her options are ALF #1 or 2 -she can see them with or without her headache if she will not tour them -you pick the one that is easist for you-she will continue to set up barriaers until the cows come home or maybe her choice will be ALF or NH-she will never run out of excuses.

Oh yes, the medication is necessary. There're 2 different blood pressure meds (Norvasc & Aldactone), low dose aspirin, Aricept (for memory), and eye drops for glaucoma. When she doesn't take her meds the blood pressure goes high and she starts having hallucinations. She has stage 2 dementia but is still able to feed, dress, and bathe herself. Sound mind?? :)

(((((hugs))))) sballen I hear you say you are so very tired, and I do believe you have to look after yourself, so my first thought is that one way or another you need a break. Coingratulations on keeping your mum on a routine despite her reluctance. Yes, control is the name of the game.
Can you get a third party opinion - doctor or social worker or some such person invloved as to the wisdom of her going back to her house? Has she had an evaluation to assess her capabilities, and what level of home care she needs, or if, indeed, it is advisable forn nher to go home?Have you toured the facilites yourself so as to narrow down the search? I would be inclined to go on the tour without her, to show her that you are serious about this option. making it clear to her that one day it may be her only option, and if you were her you would like to be involved in the choice.If she is capable of going home with home care, it may not work out that well because of the narcissism and control issues, however it is fair enough to try it, if it works for you. You may be fortunate enough to get care workers who can handle narcissists.
How about - Plan A - she goes home with Home Care (as long as her eval indicates this is OK) and if that does not work out, Plan B is an ALF. I would make it clear to her what her options are.
Let her know clearly also, in writing if necessary, what you can do for her and what you cannot do for her, or she will likely chip away at your time and energy. Using cmag's phrase -they hoover you in.
I know all these things are hard, and I pray that you work out a solution that is good for you and that takes care of your mum's needs.
Let us know what happens.
jo

what a difficult question. I can only assume your Mom is of reasonably sound mind, not forgetful; well, any more than the rest of us. I don't know. people like their independence. here's one I do know about, in spite of not being a licensed quack.
what med's is she taking? and are they necessary? as in really necessary? she's from a different generation when the quacks and so called "health insurance" SWINE didn't want to force all of us into being patients by lowering the numbers gradually over the years. blood pressure, cholesterol, etc...maybe she doesn't think she needs some of that crap. if you tell me what some of it is, I'll give you my layman's opinion.

OK, need some help here...mom is very unhappy living with us because she can't have ALL of the control. We make her take her medications, remind her to stay hydrated, eat 2-3 healthy meals daily, etc. But she wants to move back to her house (3 hours from us) and have Home Care.Part of me is ready to pack her bags while the other part knows she will probably end up coming back here in a few months. We've explained that we won't be able to run back and forth to her house everytime the house needs repair nor can she expect the neighbors to keep an eye on her. I've contacted the ALFs in our area, got the brochures, ready to take tours but each time the convenient "headache" appears. We're trying to do what's best for her and us but she just wants to have her way...CONTROL
Open for thoughts and suggestions. I'm so tired!!!

Cmag thank you for taking the time to post the above-it is very helpful.

Earlier today, I promised to post some information on detachment.

This is clipped from coping*dot*org (Tools for dealing with control issues/learning how to detach).

In order to become detached from a person, place, or thing you need to:..:

First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place, or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or codependent on.

Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places, or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.

Third: "Hand over'' to your Higher Power the persons, places, and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.

Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need'' to fix, change, rescue, or heal other persons, places, and things.

Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick'' and "unhealthy'' to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal, or rescue another person, place, or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.

Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean'' and a "role model'' of health in order for another to recognize that there is something ``wrong'' with them that needs changing.

Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.

Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings, and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places, or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.

Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are ``sick'' behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places, and things.

Tenth: Accept that many people, places, and things in your past and current life are "irrational,'' "unhealthy,'' and "toxic'' influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.

Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.

Twelfth: Practice "letting go'' of the need to correct, fix, or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.

Personally, in place of the phrase "your higher power", I put God. I hope this list is helpful.

There are two more things that I want to add that I did not write. These have more to do with relating with someone who has borderline personality disorder, but they are useful elsewhere.

(SET)Support - Empathy - Truth

Support refers to an initial statement, which indicates the loved one supports the person. It is a statement that begins with "I" and demonstrates concern and a desire to help. It can be anything that establishes a foundation for the relationship or interaction: "I want to try to help you feel better," "I care about you," or "I am worried about how you are feeling."

The support statement is meant to reassure the person that the relationship is a safe one, and that his/her needs matter even during this difficult moment.

Empathy refers to communicating that the loved one is trying to understand what the person is feeling, and focuses on "you." It is not a conveyance of pity or sympathy, but instead a true awareness and validation of the feelings of the BP: "I see you are angry, and I understand how you can get mad at me," "How frustrating this must be for you."

It is important not to tell the person how he is feeling, but instead put his demonstrated feelings into words. The goal is to convey a clear understanding of the uncomfortable feelings he is having and that they are OK to have, thus validating his feelings. Without such a statement of empathy, the person may feel that his feelings are not understood. It is important to use feeling words, as in the examples above.

Truth refers to a realistic and honest assessment of the situation and the person's role in solving the problem. It is an objective statement that focuses on the "it" -- not on the subjective experience of the person or yourself. Often the person may seem to be asking, or demanding, something impossible, not taking an active role or responsibility in resolving the issue, or even presenting you with a "no-win" situation. The truth statement is meant to clearly and honestly respond to the difficult demand or behavior of the person, while placing responsibility appropriately: "This is what I can do.," "This is what will happen.," "Remember when this happened before and how you felt so bad about it later."

It is important to use the support and empathy statements first, so that the person is better able to hear what you are saying, otherwise the truth statement may be experienced as little more than another, and expected, rejection creating even more defensiveness or anger.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
PUVAS
(use for complaining and/or blaming)

- Pay attention
- Understand fully
- Validate emotions
- Assert yourself
- Shift/Share the Responsibility

Paying attention to what is happening and what is being said helps us avoid making assumptions.

Understanding what someone is trying to communicate may require seeking clarification so we don't make assumptions.

Validating the emotional statements of the other person will pave the way for further smooth communications.

Asserting yourself is a form of setting boundaries and is a very important piece of the healthy communication process.

Shifting responsibility where it belongs holds each party accountable for their own feelings and behaviors. This can be in response to four different scenarios...

1.) If your person is blaming you for his or her feelings and behaviors
2.) If you are placing blame on yourself inappropriately
3.) If you are trying to fix their problem
4.) If you recognize that you have done something to contribute to the problem.