The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

cmag.. I saw this thread and had to re-read it again..could not believe how it is so my situation.. I said to my husband the other day.. I've never had anyone ask me "how are you dealin with all"?? .. I have three sisters and they have choosen not to help w/our mom.. the stress and the emotional toll it takes is just too much for them.. so I have choosen to never-ever speak to them again.. I would never desert them if all was reversed and mom was living w/one of them.. I have posted my story on the "stress getting the best of you" thread..and honestly it helped me to have someone to just talk to that truly understands how caring for our parents takes so much.. I seem to cry everyday.. from saddness..fustration..anger(at my screwed up family).. I feel very alone in this battle.. My mom use to being independent..so now living w/me is not an easy adjustment..plus she has confusion issues..and some health issues.. so I take care of er 24/7..no break..no help.. I recently had an mastectomy and am due for another surgery..and I havnt had time to fully absorb my own emotions.. I am so hurt..and so amazed that my whole family has turned their back on me.. I never thought they would do this when I need them the most.. I send prayers..to everyone who is in my situation.. all I do is talk to God.. sometimes I do feel he has also turned his back on me ..

Izabella, welcome to this thread! I remember reading your story on the "stress getting the best of you" thread. I hope you will return and share some more. I hope you will tell us why you feel that God has abandoned you. This is not an uncommon feeling when we are under a lot of stress and burned out.

May God bless all of you handling the burden of caring for loved ones alone-you are not alone-here you will get those who understand and get it.

Sometimes, we think God has turned his back on us because we don't 'fee his presence' like we once did. In the book, Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis are several stories of temptation. One story is about getting the Christian to focus their faith on their feeling that God is with them and keep them so focused in that direction, that when they hit seasons of not 'feeling God's presence' they wonder where God has gone and if they are a Christian anymore. Experiences of God's presence are great and bring about strong religious feelings, but the foundation of our faith in God is not based on experiences or upon feelings, but upon the Word of God which promises he will never leave or forsake us.

Sometimes, we think God has abandoned us because of being hurt so much by harmful people to the point that bitterness begins to take root in our hearts. The arrows of those experiences become the means by which we are tempted to think that God has turned his back on us because of so much tragedy in our lives. However, in the NT we are told that Jesus fully identified himself with our human experience and is our compassionate savior to help us in our time of need. In such times when others have hurt us a lot it is difficult to be angry yet not sin, but that is where prayer and forgiveness comes in. In such a situation forgiveness does not mean forgetting the experiences as if they never took place (which is not possible nor healthy), but it means to take the person off of your hook and put them on God's hook which means leaving vengeance in the hands of God.

Barnacles are like the tragedies of life.
On a wooden ship they destroy its life.
Those who run into them are diced.
Barnacles can shipwreck your or another’s life.

Ever hear that hurt people, hurt people too?
How can this not be true of me and you.

Difficult to do in the middle and after a painful crisis.
Refuse to feel the pain and anger of being diced.
End up numb and dumb just like ice.

To forever nurse the pain,
Leads to never being free to love again.

We cannot chose to be or not to be hurt by the barnacle like tragedies and people in life.
However, we can chose not to let those experiences make us like a barnacle in another’s life.

To be or not to be a barnacle is the question for tonight.
To feel hurt and anger, but sin not is a difficult fight.

However, it is the biblical way to a better day.
Yet holding on to it and nursing it digs a dark and dreary day.

People, we do this as if it will somehow accomplish something.
But honestly, that choice accomplishes nothing

Sometimes we feel like God has turned his back on us when we make the mistake of confusing the Christian life with the American dream or some unhealthy view of faith.


Path Through Tragic Pain
Based on the book Tragic Redemption by Hiram Johnson

God’s solution for crushing tragedy
is not an offer of a miraculous remedy.

God offers not a formula to eliminate or insulate,
Instead God calls us on the path to participate.

God’s grace transforming our places of humiliation,
such is the journey of tragic redemption.

Wise words, pure and true, meant as a healing too1,
used wrongly are just cruel.

‘What ifs’ only chain us to the past.
Blame games brings healing which does not last.

Naive expectations seek for faith to work like magic.
Yet, by faith we walk through the tragic.

Various addictions help excuse our real condition.
They block the way for helpful consolation.

Tragic pain easily becomes fused into a sick self-identification.
A calloused soul greatly needing tragic redemption.

Tragic feelings deep and real are not the center of the universe,
‘No one knows the trouble I’ve seen’ needs another verse.

Other’s tragedies might not be as bad.
While some are far worse than what we had.

Sucking others into our misery,
creates a path to further insanity.

Locked in by self centered rage,
like a wild animal in a cage.

Bitterness creates an illusion of security and control.
Yet, it will not make one whole.

Sometimes, when we feel that God has turned his back on us, it is because the pain in our lives drives us to ask the question why God allows suffering and evil in the world. It is the result of God taking the risk in giving people free will. We can suffer because of wrong choices that we make and we can suffer because of the wrong choices that others make which impact our life.

I hope what I've shared here is helpful.

today has been a real rough one for me and again I came close to flying off real bad but then I remember my place and my children. I see a therapist and I have a place to vent it out so I do not cause damage to the ones I love. Sometimes I wish it was all a dream that my past was what it was but I can only change the future...I just find myself lacking empathy most of the time and tuning all out. I am just glad my sister will never see how bad from my perspective what it is like to constantly forgive and let go.I do my best to not please ppl but do what is right and right now my only friends in the world are few and my children and husband...especially my cat...she is there and she loves to play but it does get emotionally tense in this house at times. If I had my way my kids will be married and i be vacationing somewhere exotic...somewhere my introverted self can become like a hermit....become ObiWan Kenobi ....one of the exiled Jedi....how wish I had the power to be neutral and fight for good ..I am sorry I am just near tears...this has been one of my worst out of control days ever...I need to find a way to bring peace to this house and soon...

(((((((burned))))))) -glad you have a therapist to help you through this. Cats are great companions. Dreams are good - hang onto yours..I am sorry you are at the end of your tether. You have a huge load to carry, with young children and a very ill husband, and no support from family. Sending love and cyber support - some days we just have to hang in there ((((((((hugs)))))))
jo

If there's anyone out there who has answers to this, please let me know. How do you maintain your own family when you're a caregiver living between two homes? I have a husband and two teenage children. They see me for maybe 30 minutes each night when I come home from work and have to run over to my mom's to relieve my sister (who cares for her during the day, along with two other disabled relatives). I work the night shift, and by the way, agencies don't pay for overnight care, to my knowledge. My mom's stroke caused her sight to be impaired on the left side. Other than that, she's functional. However, we still have to be there to cook, clean, drive her places, etc. I work during the day and care for mom and her household at night. My sister and I alternate weekends. Private care is very expensive and with just the two of us, we're about to hit a wall in our emotions because we don't get a chance to see our families very much. Is there anyone out there that can give any advice.

Hopeful

TDennard2601, welcome to this thread!

I've got some ideas and some questions. It would help us if you filled in your profile with more details like information about the other two disabled relatives. What are their ages and health challenges?

Does your mother and the other two relatives whom I assume live in the same house have any means to help pay for some daytime care? Or would it be possible for you and your sister to contribute to some day time care? If so, then it would be possible for you and your sister to alternate nights as well as the weekends.

What kinds of ideas have you and your husband discussed as possibilities? What ideas has your sister and her husband talked about to deal with this? Sounds like the only way for all four of ya'll to talk at one time for a family meeting would be a conference telephone call which maybe you have already done.

Your mother sounds like she would be readier for assisted living than for a nursing home. Between you and your sister who has Durable and Medical POA for your mother? Who has these POAs of the other two relatives?

It sounds like the candle is being burnt at each end and are not far from meeting in the middle which will be burnout.

I wish that I had more ideas than this and I'm sure others on this thread will have more input for you.

Please keep in touch to see what others will have to suggest and to let us how you are doing.

Cmagum You really know your Bible it is refreshing to read what you write.We studied The Screwtape Letters at our Wed night meetings at church. O ur pastor had R.C.Sprol for a teacher at Seminary.

In talking to friends, I've found that many of us had a "less than healthy" family-of-origin situation. And most of my friends, just as I did, moved away from the family as young adults. Then, thankfully, most of us went on to make productive, happy lives (with some speed bumps in the road). And now here we are at the age where we're called on to care for family members and the issues we moved away from are right back at our doorsteps. Deal with them now or deal with them later.

I just signed up for a "Hope for the Heart" seminar in June on dealing with Dysfunctional Families. I think just me and my friends will end up filling the room. :)

If exhaustion from dealing with the family member's needs don't consume you, then there are the emotional issues that will drown you if you let them. I hope to have these things untangled before my mom is gone.

Cmagnum, a few months ago I got to see the play "Screwtape Letters" (one of my favorite books). The lead actor had memorized the entire book - it was amazing. We loved the play. So much truth packed in so few pages.

Tdennard, my heart goes out to you. You sound so tired. And it is so hard to get perspective that will lead to solutions when you're exhausted. There is much wise counsel on this site.

TDennard--- I was also in your situation at the beginning of this new way of life.. and I did not have anyone but me to my moms.. well that was not only getting the best of me but also my husband/kids suffered.. so thats when we decided to move her in w/us.. Now.. I am not saying I don't miss my home the way it use to be.. because since my mom moved in it is now totally different.. but your added advantage is you do have your sister who cares for her during the day.. so maybe your sister can come and pick her up ect.. to free you and your family up a bit.. taking care of two households is so mentally wearing.. My moms house is not sold (thats also all up to me).. so she is emotionally tied to "her" house..therefore she has me running there to check on it daily.. she will see a home fire on the news and right away she thinks her house is going to burn down.. Its makin me nuts.. so I can relate to your torn emotional state.. but it sounds like you are working w/your sister in this battle.. so maybe between the two of you a move for your mom is what is needed.. I wish you the best.. Cmagnum--- Thank You.. I do often forget God is even around.. I seem to be angry all the time..(not at my mom) I know some of her ways she cannot control.. the same questions over and over..the counting of her pills every hr..ect..and although those things wear on me..I deal w/it.. my anger is at my families non-caring.. we found out my one sister is sick.. and my mom and my aunt were crying about her being sick(it's not life threatning).. and I will admit I am pissed about their reaction.. I have to have another surgery..my son may need brain surgery and throughout my battle w/breast cancer I've been caring the whole load w/my mom.. her well being..her house.. all of her.. and no one other then my husband/kids and dogs care..let alone shed a tear.. I've prayed more these 9 months then I ever have.. but last night I was so tired I actually felt sick.. and it scared me..because I know it's all stress.. and I heard my mom crying.. so I got up to check on her.. and she said she was crying over my sister being sick because she is so young.. I'm ten yrs younger then her!! (my sister has RA).. I calmed her down..as I always do.. and I went back to bed and asked God.. do I even matter?? My only purpose here is to take care of everyone else.. and I push all my feelings under the rug.. I dont want to be bitter.. but I am.. I also found out I have sever nerve damage in my leg from failed back surgeries.. and no tears have ever been shed for me.. Burned.. I feel your pain.. and it is an overwhelming pain I know.. Cmagnum has help me as this whole site has. words are very powerful.. the saying "actions speak louder then words" this site has proven that saying so wrong!!.. the words of support I read on here gives me some very needed strength.. I hope everyone finds the same strenth from our "friends" on here..

Izabella I am so sorry for all you are going through and I am so glad that you are getting some strength from this thread.Cmagnum is amazing I know him from another thread and I was so glad he started this one-it is hard enough to be a caregiver but comming from a dysfunucal family makes it worse. Your sister's RA can be managed quite well these days and that should not stop her from steping up to the plate and helping. Keep comming back here -this is a safe place-AC saved my sanity years ago when I was in the black hole of caregiving.

CMagnum...interesting that you should mention the Screwtape Letters. I read them many years ago and never heard of them until just a few weeks ago when our church began getting a group together to go and see the play...tomorrow! So I downloaded them and read them again the last few weeks. How amazing that something written in 1941 could still be so true in today's world. I also like your explanations about why so many of us feel so alone at times in our lives....mostly because of other people, not because God has left us. Lots of encouragement there. Thank you.
Emjo, glad to see you back...I have so enjoyed your postings on Jam's thread about how we caregivers are feeling today. And I finally have a name for my mother's behavior all the years I was growing up and beyond. I had been married for over 20 years (during which time I had not lived closer than 300 miles, often much further)when with the help of a 12-step recovery program and a good counselor I finally realized I was NOT at fault when she was displeased with what was happening around her and it was NOT my responsibility to make things better for her. My attitude and life in general became more positive after that! Not all issues have been resolved 20+ years more and 2 years after her passing, maybe never will be, but I can live with that.
Hugs and prayers for all those who are involved in the exhausting quagmire of 24/7 care of loved ones. This site and especially some of the threads can supply information and a place to vent. Relief!

MarjRob, I'm so glad that you've reread "Screwtape Letters" before going to the play. You're going to be amazed that the play is the book - word for word from what I could remember. Please let me know what you thought.

Thanks, Marj. Your mother is narcissistic? It explains a lot doesn't it? Knowledge can truely be power.

So many have read the Screwtape Letters. Now I am going to have to reread it. - one of my fav books in my early 20s. Where did you find it to download? Don't post an exact URL as it will be deleted.

I love the writings of C.S.Lewis.
Quote "You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body."
"Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement."

I found some quotes on detachment - Detach yourselves and take on wings (St. Frances Xavier Cabrini)
He who would be serene and pure needs but one thing, detachment. (Meister Eckhart )

and one very relevant to our topic here

The monsters of our childhood do not fade away, neither are they ever wholly monstrous. But neither, in my experience, do we ever reach a plane of detachment regarding our parents, however wise and old we may become. To pretend otherwise is to cheat. (John le Carre)

I find that detachment like forgiveness, is an ongoing process, not a destination.

Codependency is at the other end of that stick - where the relationship with another (toxic) person becomes more important than getting one's own needs met. ( a simple definition, I know, but one many of us wrestle with, especially in the world of caregiving.)

TDennard -such a very heavy load. There is a young woman with a husband and a 5t yr old on another thread who wrestles with caring for her dad which she shares with her sister. here is no doubt that it cuts into family time seriously, as does the worry of it all.

Izabella - Yes you do matter! Life is not fair. My mum is always concerned about my sis's health, and makes excuses for her, but does not acknowledge that I have health issues, and still expects me to do things for her that I can't. Please do look after yourself as well as possible. You deserve as much care as you give others. God says to love your neighbour as yourself. (not more than) - your neighbour in this case being your mum. What will happen if you stop doing some of the running around - like checking mum's house daily. If it is not necessary, you CAN say NO to her. It is wearing you out trying to meet her every wish. Please consider what you think is responsible - both to her and to yourself. My mother would have me occupied many hours a day - even though she is in another city (her choice) in an ALF - she tries to enmesh me in her every thought, concern, fear etc. One day I was on email with her from 7:30 in the morning to 3 in the afternoon over endless requests, concerns, demands. Once I retired last year, it all escalated and she felt all my time and energy was hers. I was in tears, and my stress levels was way too high from these daily email sessions -up to and over 20 sometimes. I started having PTSD flashbacks to childhood and I knew I had to change something. So I went for counselling and started emotionally detaching, and separating her "narcissistic" crises from the real ones. In fact she hasn't had any "real" crises. I have refused to respond to the narcissistic ones, and they have slowed down. Whether it is narcissim or dementia of some sort, that person should not be the one who is in charge of your time and energy - you should be - making your own assessments of what needs to be done and decisions. Can you cut out the tasks that are unnecessary? Mum may get a bit upset, but I think if you set boundaries and are firm with them, she will likely adapt. You need boundaries for your own health and also the big responsibility of your family and your son's health. Let tomorrow be a new day - and an easier one for you.

Everyone - so good hearing from you - there is no doubt that sharing this journey makes it more bearable.
love. hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo

MarjRob, thanks and I want to add one more aspect of feeling abandoned by God or feeling like God has turned his back on us. Read the psalms and several of them contain statements of aching souls asking the same type of question and see where the psalmist ends up. These same psalms are useful for praying about our feelings of abandonment.

love, hugs and prayers to all and to all a good night!

Emjo (and anyone else interested)...hubby found the "Screwtape Letters" on Amazon in the electronic books section. I got it for my Kindle, but they may have a version for the computer and/or a hard copy. It also had a "speech" by Screwtape to a graduating class of young demons. Believe this was written a couple years later than the original letters.
Yes, my mother was narcissistic. Once the "light bulb" went on I just thought self-centered and selfish. To the outside world she was helpful, apparently caring and loving. To her family??? My poor dad really had a tough time over the years, because nothing he did suited her idea of what he should do. But to this day, he will not hear a word against her. He was her caretaker right to the very end. Even at a distance I could sense his bewilderment at some of her words and behaviors as she slipped deeper into dementia (probably ALZ). Wish I had known this site during that time, because I might have found some words of encouragement and/or explanation for him.

HI all...ok today has been a lil calmer and not so rough except hubby's heart rate went up to 219 and then came down...I believe I will be told he may have congestive heart failure....runs in his family. My daughter and my son need me...so I have to learn to get off the comp and learn to manage relationships with the kids and my husband. I wish that God does payback those who fail to reason and see what is truly going on. I am not sure if the kids will understand all of this or hold it against me. I am tired of screaming and yelling..I am tired of feeling empty. I am tired of the fact that I think I am losing empathy as a mother and a wife on so many levels its scary..How can a person adjust thru this stage in life and make it work but i do...I feel more like fly than angel and less than angel more like a spider waiting to eat the fly...I recently posted on the community page about arranging something for caregivers etc and support grp type deal cuz i know there is more like me in this town if only we can get a companion to sit with the ones we love then maybe it will work. I am mentioning it to my therapist cuz I am tired of not having a real face to face with someone. I am hanging in there...I just do not know if my heart can continue but God still shows me small things...and I like looking forward to those..

I felt much better when caring for my husband I decided it was not my job to make him happy. Burn check your hospitals many have support groups for caregivers if not see if your local library would give you a room say once a month to meet and post it on the bullitin board. I joined one at our hospital and it was amazing. I believe there is payback-it is judgement day -we will have to account for our actions here on earth. In my own life I have seem people who were sitting pretty and were mean to me-and heard years later their perfect lives became very hard-one manager was demoted after I presented things I had written at my exit interview when I left work.

I have to log on to this site to feel like I matter..to have someone ask me how I am.. I prayed before getting out of bed today that God would bless this day with peace and happiness.. well.. as soon as I opened my bedroom door I knew God once again was not listening.. My moms first words to me were how terrible she slept.. My resonse was are you not feeling well? She says its just everything..(everything meaning she is not happy w/her new life).. I have spent 10months talking and talking to my mom..trying so hard to make her see that at 82 her life is not so horrible.. but my mom has always been a very negetive person and now it is just multiplied that she no longer is in her home doing every aspect of life her way.. I just have no energy left to try to make her happy.. It kills me because she will call my selfish sisters and have a lovely conversation while I get this end of her.. and I pray and pray for God to step in.. he knows more then anyone that I am at my wits end.. but everyday begins the same..and everyday I spend the same... talking and talking.. I have tried taking her to a therapist but she felt he was sarcastic because he asked her "doesn't anything make you happy"?? So..we never went back to him.. I've tried being completly honest w/mom and telling her you had your life at my point to live your life..ect..and she gets it for that day..and she is full of I'm sorry's ect..then the next day..we are back to making mom happy.. My whole house is based upon what kind of mood she is in.. and if I get aggravated then we argue.. and I feel bad because she cries about what her life is ect.. God knows I am out of ideas.. Ive tried finding her a hobby.. she likes nothing.. I believe with all my heart the only thing that would make her happy is if my one sister whom shes always had a soft spot for would move in her home with her.. and since that would never happen because that sister (as the other 3) do not want to be bothered w/her.. So..in reality maybe God is trying to tell me to stop looking for happiness and give in to misery.. I hate to sound so negetive..It is so not me.. but how do you find positive when there is none?? My wishes for everyone dealing w/this lifestyle is to have what I prayed for today.. Peace and Happiness..

(((((((Izabella))))) I don't think for a moment that God is telling you to give in to unhappiness. But maybe He is telling you to stop focussing on trying to make your mum happy. No one is responsible for any one else's happiness - You CAN'T make any one else happy - they can only do that for themselves. I hear that you have tried everythying you can to make her happy and it isn't working. She does sound narcissistic - and what they want is not happiness - they seem to get satisfaction out of misery, hegativity, and complaints, and want everyone's life to revolve around them. It sounds like your life does revolve around your mum. I don't think God gave us each a life to have it revolve around any other person. All those things you have tried to make your mum happy - could you try some of them for yourself - to make yourself happy? Do one positive thing for yourself today and come back and tell us what you did and if it helped to make you happy. Your mum is going to be as miserable as she wants to be, no matter what you do. That's my experience anyway. (((((hugs to you))))))
Izabella does matter!
jo

Jo-- Thank you.. Im gonna try it.. it wont be easy.. because mom is so very consuming.. but I will take your thoughtful advice.. (I truly do appreciate your words).. I'll let ya know later how it went..

There may not be happiness where your mom lives in her head, and it has been proven over and over again, we can not MAKE anyone else happy.... by you pouring all your energy into an unwilling bucket, you have deprived yourself of your OWN happiness..... hopefully you will find a way to start getting your power back from this very unhappy person.... maybe some counseling for you is in order....I have found myself in the past few days being depressed because I am back to square one with Marie, so your post was a great reminder for me.... had you not shared what was going on with you, I would have spent a weekend being miserable over many things I have no control over.... I can't make Marie happy, she is negative, controlling and downright hateful sometimes... what is being triggered in me is the ole " you are stupid" feelings.... her saying it doesn't make it so.... so thanks again for sharing..... you have helped me today.....
emjo, love ya and miss ya....
cmag hope you and your new theapist are doing some good work.... this job is hard enough without our brains being scattered all over the past....
hugs to everyone...

(((((Izabella)))) You have to practice your "no" muscles - they get stronger as you use them. You don't have to say it to her - or you can - but in your head anyway, to the endless demands and misery. If your mum has been negative all her life you probably have to grieve that - it is a loss of a "normal" childhood, You deserve a good portion of your life, for you, and to make it good for you. I know you can do it - give to yourself what you have been giving to your mum - I know you will appreciate it more than she does. Believe me she will manage - she may ramp up her attempts to get you to center on her, but resist them, eventually she will respect your boundaries better, if you keep them firm.
ladee - old triggers for parental approval it sounds like - know that one well - good to ID it and put it where it belongs - out of your life. I am sorry for Marie and maybe she isn't feeling well which makes her worse, but we all have choices ...

love
jo

I think there are four sentences that we need to say out loud until they sink into our heads. 1. I did not make the person I am are caring for the way they are. 2. I cannot control their illness. 3 I cannot fix their illness. 4. I can choose a healthier path for myself and seek to stay on that path.

For me, the statements above help us detach from the sick drama that dysfunctional people want to hoover us into. They want us to dance their dance. They want us to feel guilty for how they are. They want us to feel obligated to fix what only they can fix. They want to control us by tricking us in trying to control their dysfunctional personality disorder. Generally speaking, this is how people with a narcissistic, borderline or histrionic personality operate.

We can't change them, but we can detach with love so that we are dealing with what is the real crisis of their life without getting hoovered into their drama.

While this might sound harsh and a path toward being a calloused person, I find this is how I become more and more seasoned instead of becoming more and more hardened out of bitterness and resentment toward others which in the long run only hurts me. Waiting for others to repent is a waste of my energy that can be better spent.

May we all find more and more freedom from being hoovered into the dark side of dysfunctional personalities knowing their basic hoovering techniques are Fear, Obligation and Guilt, the three tools of emotional blackmail.

This site has not just helped me w/trying to find a new approach in dealing w/my mom.but also at the same time dealing w/ very sisters.. Jo.. Your comment regarding what was my childhood.. you are so very right.. since I can remember I was always more of a spouse to my mom then a daughter.. Now don't get me wrong..she cared for me if I was ill as a child..but emotional support she would tell me "you are such a strong person.." I would help her w/problems w/my sisters from the time I was young(and I am the youngest).. and when I would go on a date..I felt guilty leaving mom if she was upset from one of my sisters.. so I would cancel..or come home early.. So..thank you for opening my eyes..and do some some soul searching.. and as far as me time..today I am cooking..for me it relaxing..but it's not easy because mom feels I am not including her.. So..wish me luck.. and cmagnum--your powerful words I need to really print..and re-read them at least 100 times a day.. ladeeda-- I wish you a beautiful day..you are so far from being a "stupid" person.. not even close...

Our current situations are very much influenced by our childhood experiences -from which many of us are still healing. I am the younger too, but expected to take more responsibility, and supported my dad through his difficulties with my mother - I understand that well. These patterns become ingrained early, and we have to work hard to replace them with healthier patterns, I love cooking too - for me it is a creative thing - so I do wish you lot of luck and fun and enjoyment of your efforts. It is never too late to walk a different path. Yes - keep telling yourself the truths about yourself - you are beloved of God and He does have answers for you. Don't respond if the guilt buttons get pushed by your mum - just keep on with your plans no matter what she says, or if she crys or sulks. That;s called manipulation. There ia a great website about "daughters of narcissistic mothers." If you google that phrase, you will find good resources (((((((((hugs)))))) jo

cmag I appreciate that you wrote "While this might sound harsh and a path toward being a calloused person, I find this is how I become more and more seasoned instead of becoming more and more hardened out of bitterness and resentment toward others which in the long run only hurts me."

I find the same. I know to some drawing firm boundaries may sound harsh, but exhaustion, bitterness, resentment etc are harsh too and draw a person down. We do have limits to what is good/healthy for us. Those with personality disorders are unable to repent I think - they truely do not recognise what they do to others. I forgive, as scripture says I should, and for my own good, not because the other asks for it.
Distinguishing between the "real" needs and crises, as opposed to the narcissistic manipulations takes some practice. In my mother's case many, if not most of the fusses in her life have been narcissistic crises - one's she has created. I am learning not to get hoovered into them.

I am going to post a poem I found called "She let go". It could as well be "He let go". I found it useful.

for Izabella, ladee, cmag and all of us here dealing with dysfunctinal family issues

it touched me...

She let go

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

Ernest Holmes

Izabella, my wife was more her mother's substitute spouse like you describe and so was I as the only child of a single mom.

Jo, thanks for sharing that poem.

That poem is very true. We must face the reality of the pain and then let it go. Some, like myself, write a letter expressing our pain, read it aloud, burn it in a safe container while praying a prayer of release into God's hands, and then throwing the ashes to the wind.