notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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I didn't, and don't plan on abandoning my mom completely, like honestly I probably should. Many have told me this and I completely agree with what they say, in a sence.
My mom's is a narssasist, mom did groom me from a young age, my brother has become all powerful over mom, her house and has made it impossible for her to get help she needs.
I can't completely abandon my mom, I have to do things my way. Not the way others have told me I should do it. Only my way!
With that being said, this forum has helped me tremendously. To gain my life back, to see the faults of my family, to be able to walk away mentally and physically, when I need to, and have my life and enjoy my life, inspite of it all.
I know you don't want advice, I get that. When I first came in , they said my mom was a narcissist. I was p###ed off. Then thinking about it, reading about it, pulling myself out of burntout, I realized what they were saying was true.
I would like to give you some maybe more bipartisan type of advise. Stay with us, it much helps, knowing your not alone. Work on your mental health, so you don't become burnt out. Put much boundaries down with mom.
I'm telling you, you can do both, it's by far a perfect life!! It's hard but you can have your life and your mentality in check and take care of your mom. But to keep out of burntout you have to put YOU first.
I will also say if I see where I can't keep myself out of another burnout. I will walk!! No actually I won't walk I'll run. That alone helps me , knowing I am and will put me first.
I hope this all made sense and helps a little
I never said walk away . But you do not have to be fused at the hip . You should be able to go out for coffee with a friend.
I was not trying to be patronizing or facetious at all .
I’m sorry that you are suffering from FOG.
Fear , Obligation, Guilt .( This can be read up on too ) . I’ll leave you alone to be in this situation .
I did everything, and I still hit rock bottom.
Maybe it's the way I was raised or just who I am, but I know without the support I get here I probably would slip backwards into being suspectable to being manipulated and guilted again.
For me it is an on going struggle, that I have to keep up with, reading my self help books when I slip backwards. So that I very much disagree with you
any advice for me out there???
Exsister - I have seen many reasons for people to be here, not just for solidarity, but for support to keep boundaries, to learn other ways to deal with a situation, to learn about resources available for caring for the aging and more.
Like nacy - I came for support to maintain the boundaries I had established so mother's life did not take over mine. I learned that you can't make anyone else happy - their happiness is on them, not on you. Your happiness and welfare is on you.
I learned that my welfare and needs were certainly as important as those of the person I cared for.
Like way, I was brought up by a narcissistic mother who groomed me to be her servant child. Any woman who depends that much on her adult child is not mentally healthy. It took much work for me to grow away from that role and give my needs priority in a healthy fashion.
I agree it's not either/or though there are times to turn one's back on a toxic relationship. I hung in there as mother's POA seeing that her needs were met - needs being proper care in all ways - but maintained my own life as well. I was not her entertainment. Whether she liked it or not was immaterial. I didn't like many things she did either. I couldn't let her unhealthy "wants" govern my life. She would have had me "on a string" doing everything she wanted. Even as a child she was jealous of my friends. This was not healthy for her or for me, and catering to her would have been enabling her and preventing me from living my life.
So, no, it is not simple. But there are times when "dysfunction" screams at us, and we feel the need to comment on it, because, in many cases we have BTDT, and know we have found a better way.
Wishing you all the best as you try to make your mother happy. Wishing you all the best for the future regarding your home, as I gather that is far from secure. If I were in your situation, I would be spending my time and energy working on making my own situation better in the present and also for the times that are coming as I aged. Your life does not have to take second place to your mother's.
You are experiencing the consequences of putting someone else's welfare ahead of your own, It rarely seems to work well.
Why on earth did you give up your job, your place of residence and your higher education classes to move in with your mom and care for her? Now you are facing a very precarious situation.
If I were you, I would put aside the family dysfunction and do what I had to to reestablish myself. Concentrate on your needs, put them first ,and get yourself set up again with a job, and build your life back up.
Find out what housing alternatives there are for the short term - a shelter if need be to begin with, where they will help you get your life back.
Wishing you all the best.
Amen . 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻. This site is not just for solidarity in misery. Nor is it to be patronizing towards those of us who have learned from “ the buzz words “.
We can look after our parents without giving up our entire lives to be their entertainment or to make them happy . No one should give up a career opportunity or coffee out with friends to be a constant companion ( surrogate husband ) for their mother . And if someone gives up their own life in this way , that person is choosing to do that . Many of us have BTDT and learned .
It’s also interesting how when this is suggested , the complaints get dialed back in subsequent posts , along with defending the manipulative parent . Seen this here before as well .
I made the mistake of trying to help someone in a bad situation. Sometimes making that mistake , changes someone’s life for the better .
Most regular posters are problem solvers – show them a problem and their reaction is to work out the options. Quite obviously, there is no obligation involved. If you just want solidarity, you can talk to yourself – or perhaps to God.
If you have a 95 y/o mother who has been awful all this time, and are thinking now to address this, I would say placement in care is likely the answer, with infrequent visits. There is some reason that you have put off this removing yourself from someone abusive for your entire lifetime. Only you can know the reason/s and only you can change your life. Sure do wish you the best and sure am sorry to hear your pain.
If patient is unable to sign a POA but can UNDERSTAND it on lawyer examination she can "make her mark " before that attorney who is likely also a notary.
If your mother is no longer able to understand and sign POA over to someone then APS should be called; they can often get emergency temporary guardianship.
I would call APS. If you have received an eviction notice I have to tell you that we have seen that happen VERY OFTEN here on this page. Unfortunately people do give up their home, their job, their family and move in to care with an elder, and then when the elder is moved to care or dies, there is no home, no job, no job history and often no savings because the person neglected to get a care contract and POA done by an attorney and to save this money.
Sadly I am afraid that you may be down to a shelter. Then a job and saving until you can afford a room. You have years in service as a caregiver. Consider a facility that gives care or hiring on through care.com or Visiting Angels or others.
This is very sad, but poor decision making over some years has led to dire circumstances that mean starting at the bottom. Call APS to see if they can iron out the circumstances around who is POA, your history of caregiving and your current eviction. I am so very sorry for all you are going through.