The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi Ali sorry about the break. Season changes and fibromyalgia don’t go well together. I slept most of yesterday.

Re the CBD oil, I have been using it for about six weeks now. My understanding is that it can be used to deal with individual stressful situations by taking it at those times or it can be used to help deal with ongoing stress by taking it in smaller doses during the day. I have been dealing with a general higher level of stress and anxiety, so I chose to take smaller doses several times a day. I take a few drops in the morning at lunch at supper at bedtime and once when I wake up in the middle of the night. The total dose I am taking is around 85 mg.
As far as results go, overall my sleep is better. I always wake up in the middle of the night to pee (common with people my age) and find now more and more often that it’s very easy to go right back to sleep. That’s not to say I don’t have nights where I’m awake much more than that, I still do. But overall, my sleep has improved.

I measure my heart rate, heart rate variability, and a few other things using a couple of apps which also give me a guide as to my general level of stress which has improved. I feel calmer much more of the time and generally my quality of life is better.

Along with the CBD oil am using a VNS device which also reduces feelings of stress and anxiety and contributes to better sleep I believe. The CES device may do the same.

It looks to me like you are at a crossroads with your health, which is not unusual at your age, and means that, in my experience, you need to look at some lifestyle changes. My system got out of whack nearly a year ago and I have had to make some changes. I thought I was eating right, but I wasn’t eating enough protein, which had some negative effects. For many years, I have recorded my macros (carbs, protein, fat, fibre, sodium) daily and I stopped doing that. I’ve gone back to recording my protein intake.

 I’m gonna suggest that you record your food intake for a week on an app such as My Fitness Pal or whatever else you prefer. It’s the only way you would really know what your intake is, which is very important in terms of your pre-diabetic condition.

It takes work and commitment of time and energy to sort these things out. There are very few quick fixtures.

I’ll stop here for now and start another post later about your other issues.

Take care.

Hi Ali I just wrote a response and closer my browser before posting. Aaargh. I'm taking a break and I'lll get back to you.

Golden, I'd tried oral CBD before for sleep and after the first time (when I thought it helped some), I didn't find it helpful anymore. How do you take it, or what do you do? Thanks for sharing.

Hi Golden, hi all --

I suppose it was inevitable that I'd run into some issues while trying for improvement across longstanding issues that I think are interconnected -- energy, brain fog, anxiety, sleep.

Getting a CGM was a decent testing tool for me, and it gave me a few ideas. Why does my sugar spike in my sleep so often? Thanks for the tip about having a protein snack before bedtime, Golden. For a long time now, I haven't been eating many simple carbs. It's easy for me because I don't like them. I eat very little bread or pasta and no sweets. Seeing that my sugar spikes in my sleep makes me think my high blood sugar isn't related to diet, but I'll move to an even more protein-based diet, keep it clean, and focus on anti-inflammatory foods like a Mediterranean diet -- which is pretty much how I eat with the exception of the quick, processed foods I have for snacks or on the go.

My major disappointment this week is the off-label sleep aid the new psych gave me. She recommended a low dose of quetiapine (Seroquel) for sleep. She rx'd a 25mg dose, and I read up on it before I took it and learned it's not uncommon to use it as a sleep aid.

I took half of a 25mg tablet and slept about 12 hours. I figured that was because I was tired, so I tried it again and took half again a few days later when I had a day off. That time I slept 16 hours.

Well, that won't work! No one can sleep that long and still get anything done! So I guess I'll have to whittle it down even more -- take 1/4 of the 25mg tab and try that.

That's fine, if that's what I need to do to have a reasonably safe low-dose sleep aid (and I definitely need one). And hopefully I'd only need it a couple of times a week. It just makes me wonder *why* I have this atypical response and atypical patterns when it comes to sleep. Sleeping 16 hours on half a 25 mg dose of quetiapine isn't something that should occur... it seems.

I have to admit, though—sleeping that long and that deep sure felt good. It's just too time-consuming.

I'm going to look around for a less expensive CES device, Golden. The MyoCalme one was pretty pricey, and when I got it, I was unimpressed with the quality. It's a basic device. A cheapie one is likely to do the job just as well.

Ali - sounds like you are making progress. That's great!!! For sure sleep apnea is a possibility.

I always think that going back to the basics is best- sleep stress management, exercise (as you are able) healthy food intake, cut out smoking, alcohol and any recreational drugs and go from there.

Re the sugar spikes – a couple of ideas

1) Protein snack before bedtime. There is research showing that protein at bedtime keeps overnight blood sugar stable better than anything else. I had a brittle Type 1 diabetic student who was having trouble regulating her blood sugar.  I suggested she start eating a protein snack before bed and she did and the problem was resolved. Her dietitian at that time was recommending complex carbs but told her to keep doing what she was doing as it was working.
2) A lower carb diet – no/verry low sugar, and other white foods, but out baked stuff, make sure you get enough protein about 60- 70 gm a day depending om your weight, eat veggies and some fruit type of thing.

I am so glad the CES device is helping you. I haven’t tried mine yet. The VNS (cheapest handheld one) and CBD oil (THC free) are really helping me – better sleep, calmer mind, lower heart rate n BP. I find a lower setting and less time is better with that device. They recommend 1-2 mins a couple of times a day and it works!!!

Keep letting us know how you are doing!!

Sorry about any typos. . I'll update on my eyes some other time and place.

*Forgot to tell you, Golden -- I read up on CES devices and decided to order one. There's a 60-day guarantee if I decide to return it, so I figured I'd try one out. I ordered the MyoCalme 2.0 from StimTens. It's a keeper! I noticed how much it calmed my brain down, like meditating without effort, and I can see it being part of ongoing therapy for me.

I'd never heard of them before I read your comment, so thanks!

I'm going to try a few more free sleep apps to see if any of them help. I tried one before and didn't find it useful.

I had my first appointment with the new neuropsychiatry clinic today. They have a neuropsychology assessment team on another floor in the same building, and they gave me (another) referral for evaluation and said it'd probably only be a month-long waitlist. :D

The resident and attending doc — both women, both seemed kind and sharp —heard me out and said they wanted to stabilize sleep first, then address everything else soon.

I have a new Rx for an off-label, non-habit-forming sleep aid. A baby dose. Just enough to help a little bit. Fingers crossed.

I don't like everything they recommended, but I'm too happy with them overall to protest. It's enough for now.

I have two weeks of sleep notes/data for the sleep doc—boy, my sleep is REALLY chaotic. The at-home sleep study I did was a bust, as I barely slept that night. My new CGM indicates regular sugar spikes during sleep hours (apnea is a possibility).

All in all, I feel like I might actually make some headway on long-standing, stubborn issues. I'm hopeful. :)

Ali It’s never too late to work on our health and other issues. I like to go back to the basics which include things like blood sugar, electrolyte levels., hydration,, one’s food intake (diet), sleep, exercise\activity, stress levels, and such

I see some goals emerging here from your posts. 1 better sleep.2 review of food intake/blood/ hydration 3 assessment of stress levels as measured by headaches and clenched jaw.

I'm glad you are seeing a sleep specialist. Hopefully they can give you some answers and solutions. I have found that CBD oil and the vagal nerve stimulator help. A CES device may help as well.

IMO Pre-diabetes needs to be addressed very seriously with lifestyle changes.
Because my father had adult onset diabetes I’ve always been very cautious about sugar can take. My blood sugar has gone up during times of stress, but comes back down again and so far I’m OK.
I use a diluted electrolyte drink to sip on during the day as due to the CFS\FM I tend to have a little low blood pressure when I get up. It has made all the difference.

Regarding stress, I monitor my heart rate which goes up with stress and comes down when I’m more relaxed. The CBD oil and the VNS have really helped with that and the feelings of stress. As well, I do a pattern of deep breathing several times a day and work on replacing negative thoughts and refusing to go over and over them, but rather focussing on the pleasant things in the here and now. It it takes work but pays off.

For me the first thing always has been to check out my physical health and make sure nothing is out of line

Whatever you can do in the way of exercise is good . Just because your roommate is jogging doesn’t mean you have to. Walking is also very beneficial for your health, especially if you can walk in nature.

Better health and lower stress add up to things that need to be practised on a daily basis. It is worth it for me.

It’s interesting seeing you identifying things that will help you as you go through this journey. The neurological evaluation should give you lots of good information. I totally agree with not seeing therapists who tell you how you are feeling when in fact you’re not feeling that way at all. I’ve met a few of those and dumped them immediately.

sometimes life is a roller coaster ride. Hugs to you.

I really, really appreciate this space on AC to work through this and get feedback on anything anyone wants to weigh in on.

It's really interesting to consider how much ongoing issues with high sugar or low sodium may have affected my long-standing anxiety issues. I don't think they're the sole factors, but THEY SURE DON'T HELP. lol

Low sodium: It's not a new issue for me. Some may remember I was hospitalized for a few days in Dec 2022 because I'd been feeling so terrible for weeks and months (and having panic). I went to the ER; they said I had low sodium, and they fixed me up.

It's always been a mystery to them and to me why or how my sodium could get so low.

Fast forward to last night: I'm reading online, trying to sort out what could be contributing to my feeling *that* bad that I have to leave work. Dehydration/low sodium could be a factor, so I drank a peppermint tea with 1/4 tsp salt and some lemon. I felt better.

Today, I have the same headache. It's a distinct feeling... so I'm sipping some salt water and will see how I do. I'm not taking in a lot, and I'm going slow to avoid treating myself with salt water if it won't help (and could even make the headache worse).

I ordered some plain electrolyte mix. The CGM came in the mail today and I'll get that set up later after work.

I'll keep running these things down as best I can. :)

Today was a dud. It's been very demoralizing. I couldn't get to sleep last night, so I took 2.5 mg ( a "baby" dose) Ambien at 3 am. It's not the "right" way to take it, since you're supposed to get 7 hours of sleep if you take some, and I knew I had to be up at 8. But I also felt, based on experience with the medication, that it would be fine for one day, and it was best to get the sleep I could because I had to go to my new job today from 10-12.

I managed to get through the couple of hours at the new job, but barely. I went from there to my other job, and that's when things got weird. I'd taken Tylenol and ibuprofen before I walked in the door at the other job, because I had a headache, and that combination and quantity (1 each) never seemed to hurt before, even if it rarely helps.

I ate a little and sipped on a soda to calm my stomach. I worked for an hour, but I was feeling so awful that, after sitting in the back for another hour, I had to call it quits and go home. I got in bed, went to sleep, and just woke up.

I don't know why I have days like this so often. If it weren't so hard to figure out and avoid what causes them, I wouldn't be in this position, trying things to help.

It's severely limiting. I often feel terrible, and it greatly impacts what I'm able to do. I had signs of anxiety today -- headache, clenched jaw -- but I keep asking myself if that's really what it is. I felt confused and starting to get panicky.

I threw away the Ambien. It's a great tool—for somebody else. For me, it's too hit-and-miss. I'd rather just be extremely tired than also have the compounding factor of feeling crazy and wondering if that medication is contributing (it is... but only sometimes). If I keep it, I'll be tempted to take it because it works like a charm to get me to sleep, but I can't have another day like today if I can at all avoid it, so I threw them out.

My juice is based on the documentary Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. Kale, celery, ginger, and cucumber make up the base recipe I've carried over from back when.

I've been adding lemon, but I don't really need it because I splash lemon juice in all my water, so I'll leave it out from now on to keep the flavor less sour.

I left out the apples (from the documentary recipe) to lower the sugar and swapped in 2 small carrots.

I started adding fennel bulb for the first time. I love the flavor. And I added some parsley.

I live near a really great produce market and they have so many options I could try. I'm committing to a few days of juicing, but I hope I keep going. I remember how clear my skin and eyes were back then when I was juicing. It definitely does something wonderful for the body.

The centrifugal and masticating juicers (you really do need both!) are the same ones I bought around 2013-14. Brings back a lot of memories. They've been sitting out of sight for years.

Hello, all. :)

Gershun, sorry about your MIL. I suppose you have to let hubs process the loss however he's going to. Maybe he's numb right now, but later he will have some signs of grief.

Golden, sorry about the gut issues. I went through a time when I couldn't have any coffee, but it wasn't GI issues; it just made me feel horrible.

I had my 4th session with the sensory therapist on Tuesday; I sat in my car after I left, and something felt wrong—I felt like I'd spent that session (and others with her) telling her how I feel, and she was telling me that I feel something else. This was way too soon to experience this disconnect with therapists/psychs AGAIN, so soon after leaving the clinic with the long history of psychs saying I feel something else... so I terminated the therapy. It's just not the right fit for me right now, though I very much appreciate the past 4 weeks. It's hard to explain, but I'm grateful I had those 4 weeks with her, and now I realize this is not the direction I want to head in right now. And if I do actually feel something other than what I'm telling them, they need a good argument to back that up, not just saying so!! 😂 I'm done with hearing this from med pros, forever.

I recently got bloodwork results that pointed me to a few things I can work on. My blood sugar is high, and it's been that way for a decade. I'm only in the prediabetic range, though, and can't get a continuous glucose monitor prescribed, so I bought one out of pocket. I have a feeling I'm going to learn a lot from looking into the connection between my mental health flare-ups and my sugar levels. We shall see. (Send, thanks so much for your comment about sugar levels and anxiety; I remembered it when I saw my recent labs and decided I had to investigate the correlation. 😊)

I started drinking green juice again yesterday. I don't know if anyone remembers, but back when I was very sick from the mold, I started green juicing, and it sure seemed to help me get back on my feet, if only because it felt like I could do something instead of just suffering. I'd like to do a week or two of just juice, but Idk if I can. I have a feeling I could use a solid "reset" of my GI. I'm nauseous, with headaches, way too often.

I looked at the "healthy" foods in my regular diet rotation. The protein muffins I love for breakfast have 20 g of sugar. What's crazy to me is I hate sweets; they make me feel gross. And so do the muffins, but I wasn't paying attention; I didn't make the connection. hmph. That's ok; I'll learn to eat better.

I'm keeping a sleep diary for the sleep therapist, a sensory diary for this class project I'm doing (long story)... I'm paying attention to how I feel, getting the data down. This can only be helpful.

Golden, if I can trust AI, it's telling me that what I have overlaps with Tourette's. I have some symptoms that feel very similar to what a man with Tourette's described he feels (in Oliver Sacks' book An Anthropologist on Mars). I could finish the man's sentences, and I knew exactly what he was talking about. It's interesting.

Onward and upward. It's never too late to get a little or a lot healthier. One of my roommates (I have 2) *just* started jogging again and was telling me how much it hurts, and she hates it. lol. But I'm hoping her initiative rubs off on me because I need to add some exercise back into my life, but right now it feels impossible because my new job schedule changes daily, and there's always an insomnia crisis and and and. I'll get there.

Ali. I appreciate your posts. Glad youhave a new and good PCP who agrees with a neurological evaluation.I think it was very short sighted foryour psych to attribute everything to people conflict. You mentioned wincing before diving I think it was. Almost like Tourette’s. I had a friend with a mild tic.

On the CBD oil and VNS I am sleeping a lot. I think in response to lowered stress. My heart rate has come down to what it should be. Results on one app show my heart age as in the 20s. Illl take it!

Sorry about the double post below. The site was acting up and told me to repost

Gershun its not selfish to look after your self. Hubs can grieve as he likes, but not take it out on you. I perfectly understand not going to the funeral. I missed a few from the same reason.

lucky lu. it’s stress, certain foods and now black coffee!!! I don’t like going without my coffee.

Gershun, Sorry for your loss. I hope your husband finds some peace as he navigates his grief.

Thank you Golden, and yes it will and is coming back on me already.

It would be so much easier comforting a openly grieving man than feeling his stony silence or anger. Sorry to sound selfish but it wears on me. Unlike him I am an empath and therefore feel it all.

The funeral is on Wednesday. I will not attend. I can't take the histrionics that will happen without a doubt. I gave my condolences to his one normal sister. The other................it's a long story, best left for another time.

Gershun. Thanks for the update. I’m sorry for the family, it’s always hard to lose a loved one . It’s good she was able to die at home peacefully surrounded by her family.
I think hub’s non-reaction is fairly common for men. Does he have any physical outlets?
I know all of this will come back on you in some ways so please take care of you and don’t be a stranger. Hugs.

Gershun. Thanks for the update. I’m sorry for the family, it’s always hard to lose a loved one . It’s good she was able to die at home peacefully surrounded by her family.
I think hub’s non-reaction is fairly common for men. Does he have any physical outlets?
I know all of this will come back on you in some ways so please take care of you and don’t be a stranger. Hugs.

Just an update.

DH's mom passed on Sept 4th. She passed peacefully at home with her
family around her. Hub's is taking it with his usual non reaction. I would he
rather cry or something but............Anyways.

Thank-you all for your great advice.

Anxiety makes my gerd worse,so I'd say your'e onto something,Golden~
I'm sorry you have gut issues.I know it's uncomfortable.

Been sorting some gut issues. I’ll be back for more anxiety and the dysfunctional family soon. The gut issues are probably related 😜

I love this lady's short reels... always kind, motivating, comforting, and simple wisdom. https://www.facebook.com/reel/2104718380420943

I saw my PCP this morning. He's not my usual PCP; my PCP of the last couple of years left the practice a few months ago. I met the new PCP for the first time a month ago because, to my surprise, he wanted me to come in for an appointment just to get refills of medications. (Previous PCP would just send the refills for me.)

In that first appt, I explained the general story of the issues I'm having and why I was prescribed these medications to begin with (he was surprised the prior PCP rx'd them for me, since they are controlled substances and not typical for a PCP to rx). We agreed I need neuropsych care; he didn't understand why my psychiatry clinic wasn't giving me this referral.

That's part of what prompted me to compose a 4-page document of all my symptoms, mismedication/misdiagnosis history, treatment resistance issues, and family history, in clinical terms, and give it to my psych. I'd been saying for years I need this referral/evaluation, and I thought I simply hadn't explained it sufficiently to my psych. Surely she'd be supportive and help me, right?

After she read it, she tried to convince me that what I'm experiencing isn't neurological because I "have conflict" with people. She took a single incident I'd told her about and extrapolated the basis of my entire treatment profile. I knew right then I was never coming back.

That's another part of the backstory on how this came about, and why I put my foot down in getting rid of the old psych and finding better treatment.

And then, unexpectedly, the new PCP submitted a referral for a neuropsychological evaluation today! It won't happen quickly (waitlists are long), but the referral means there's a chance I can get one without paying several thousand dollars. I imagine it will still be a high out-of-pocket cost, though.

No matter what happens as a result of these new appointments and treatment approaches, it will be superior to what I've been dealing with over many decades, with so many docs that didn't have the background or practice area to accurately assess and treat, even before the caregiving years and the mold exposure. Having a specialist take it all into account to get the full picture will be priceless. :)

Went to the sleep doc appointment this morning; came away with reassurance that what I experience is a very common issue (which is comforting). Recommendation: at-home EEG monitoring for one night to check for apnea, and to see an insomnia therapist because working with one is proven to be very effective. And again, I'm amazed that such a specialty exists -- cool! I'm looking forward to learning more.

Just finished my 3rd appointment with the sensory integration therapist. I think this therapy will be very helpful eventually. So far, we've spent the time talking about the issues, clarifying them, naming them, which isn't helpful and mostly makes me feel bad and stuck. But "name it to tame it" is a helpful emotional regulation strategy imo, so let's get all the stuff named. And there are probably only a few underlying issues influencing the bulk of my problems that are limiting my quality of life..? I think so.

This all feels really good. And also, it seems I'm leveling off after the past few weeks of hypersensory discomfort and increased agitation/anger/irritability I experienced after reducing my anticonvulsant med. That was such a good decision; I feel more positive, less numb, and more like myself than I have in a long time. It's easier to talk to people, and I don't dread it as much as I had been.

Gershun, your comment about avoiding contact with dysfunctional family made me think. I can't put it into words, but I know what you mean, and I think it's so wise that you don't engage in these optional contacts with dysfunctional family/people who make you feel terrible. Life is stressful enough; why torture yourself if you don't have to... yeah.

Golden, I think that all the things you mentioned are a valuable insight into ways to conquer and win over anxiety.

I've struggled with anxiety most of my life as well. I go through rocky stages and then stages where I feel I have it mostly under control. One thing that really works for me is not allowing myself to get drawn into other people's BS. If that looks to others like I'm unsympathetic or burying my head in the sand. So be it. For instance, DH's family situation. It's sad I can't hold his hand and be with him when he visits his family but I've learned it's just not doable for me. I've always been an empath and absorb everybody's negative vibes.

Ali you need to do what’s right for you. At this point, for me, I’m looking for solutions first and in the meanwhile figuring out what’s triggering the anxiety, and why.

In looking for goals, I look at the aspects of anxiety being negative or worried thoughts often about the future, uncomfortable/ apprehensive feelings, physical symptoms, like racing or fast heartbeat. Then I set my goals and keep them as simple as possible. That’s not to say the underlying psychology/physiology at simple but my way of dealing with it can be..

Gershun really appreciate what you said about dealing with your anxiety. Number one medication that helps. Number two directing your thoughts away from the negative Number three adopting habits that help you with these.

I have read that high intelligence is linked with anxiety due to, for example, overthinking\rumination, high awareness, and pattern recognition. Combine those with PTSD from a dysfunctional family for a good recipe for anxiety..

I was a highly anxious child – you can’t live with two personality disordered people and an alcoholic and not suffer something. In my adulthood I I learned to deal with this reasonably well. Then came CFS /FM and the anxiety was on again, big time due to an or overactive, sympathetic nervous system. OK I learned to deal with that reasonably well but negative life events do trigger it off pretty easily. And that’s what I’m dealing with right now.

i have simple goals. One to bring my heart rate down to its normal level.
Two to practice positive thinking. Three to incorporate healthy habits into my day.

My approach has been practical. My heart rate is up. I’m doing things to bring it down. My thoughts are more negative sometimes so I’m practising changing those to positive and so on. In that process, I am coming across past stuff which is still unresolved and working on those things as well.

CBD oil, combined with deep breathing exercises, combined with vagal nerve stimulation and gentle exercise are bringing my heart rate down.

Awarenessof my thoughts, choosing more positive ones and listing things to be grateful for (attitude of gratitude) do much toodispel the worries and negativity.

Gentle exercise and focussing on nature, my kitty, the good things in my life help with the above and also they all help with sleep.

Regarding sleep, I rarely sleep through the night so I use the time doing things that I enjoy like reading. I don’t worry about lack of sleep or irregularity of sleep. As long as I get about seven hours a day, doesn’t really matter when it tips.

As regards your morning exercises - good for you. However, you don’t have to like it. I sure can understand that. I do things for myself, that I know are good for me, but I grumble a bit to myself about them and that’s OK.

Anyway, just sharing what’s working for me and it is work. I’m not sure if you can relate to any of this, In any case know that we all care for you and believe in you. I think that may be the most important thing that my counsellor does for me - she believes in me. After a lifetime of a family that didn’t believe in me this is so very important for my well-being and growth.

I’m using my iPad with the microphone and I find it very frustrating so if there’ are errors above that’s a partial explanation.. Also, I finally got an appointment to get my eyes checked out.

Hugs to you all. Life can be difficult.

Thx Send, Golden & Ali!

The thing with my hubs is that he claims that he's not upset about his mom. He has to be guilted into visiting her. I don't guilt him. That just makes him crosser. But his sis does in a subtle way, as she knows what he's like. He's in denial. Paramedics and doctors alike have said "let nature takes it's course etc." He and his family will persevere to the bitter end. They don't listen. Never did. I bite my tongue.

The latest episode that led to M I L's hospitalization was cause they gave her melatonin on top of the gabapentin she is already taking. Her blood pressure dropped rapidly. I had advised against the melatonin but as I said. No one listens in that family. So I will continue to bite my tongue in future.

Send, you are right. I spent most of the time alone when my mom was on death bed. Family mostly no where to be seen. I don't visit DH's mom simply cause she and I never really had a relationship, his sister from the states is insane and I need to protect myself from her toxic energy.

Thank you Send for the private message advise. I'll heed it.

Ali, I feel you re: your anxiety. I've been there. It's mostly under control now due to medicines I'm taking. I believe I'll always need to be on something. I've kind of accepted that. I experience morning anxiety. I tend to ruminate in the morning and that is never a good idea. I never linger in bed. As soon as I'm awake I need to jump out of bed before the negative thoughts take over. I used to enjoy a good lay in now and then. But I just can't now.

I agree with Golden Ali. I don't think you have a personality disorder. I believe you struggle. But you are not broken.

Hi Gershun, great to read a post from you, though I'm sorry about the circumstances. Why is DH angry about his mom's decline and the hospitalizations? Does he feel like he's responsible for her wellness and/or happiness? Is she an unhappy or angry person, too, when she's not feeling well (or all the time)?

...

Goals for my anxiety issues: I'm going to think about this some more before I comment. I typed some answers but... idk, just want to think some more. I agree 1000% that implementing actionable things that help is far better than any effort spent figuring out how the anxiety got there in the first place, but since I've been living with this issue for so long now, it makes me think that digging up the roots might help. I've tried so many things that didn't help me... didn't help me sleep better, didn't prevent me from feeling uncomfortable almost all the time.

Dealing with a spouse’s anger while sitting at the bedside of their dying mother is incredibly difficult.

Changed my comment to a private message.

Gershun,
No longer accompany dH to the hospital.
It truly is not a requirement, and never force yourself out of guilt.
"See you at home!"

You have already expended your bedside watch-duty on hospice for your Mom.
That experience was enough for a life-time, especially if you are an empath, feeling other's pain.
Visiting his Mom will activate all that you went through, trigger you. It will not be healthy for you. Especially if you don't want to be there, are there just for him.

BTW, where was your family and dH during that time? It doesn't matter, you do not need to repeat this Mourning Bedside Watch anymore.