Follow
Share

His sister who is presently living in their mother's home feels he should be changing Mom's 'briefs' when he is there in his sister's absence, My husband would prefer to preserve his mother's dignity...He is not at all comfortable with doing this. But, his sister is...difficult.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing

81 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2 3
Is mom able to express her feeling about it. If she is opposed that should be honoured. However...
I can see how your husband feels but as one person said, it is the same as changing a child's diaper. This mom of his surely changed his diaper. It would help if he assumed a professional/clinical attitude when he was doing it. Don't be thinking "this is my mom", but rather "I'm a nurse doing a job". Having done work in the medical field, I've seen lots of private parts. Having a clinical attitude makes see that very different then seeing it is another context. He could always hire a caregiver to be there to do it. His sister need to have breaks. Sister may be "difficult", but she is doing what percentage of the care? 80%, 90%, 99%? Please consider expressing your appreciation for her work. Unless you do it, you have no idea how hard it is.
(3)
Report
People act like this is a sexual issue. Do you look at changing a baby or toddler's diaper as sexual. No. It's just a bodily function. They do it, you change the diaper. No different with adults. Period. It's only nasty or sexual if you make it that way. No one likes it or enjoys it. It's just a task to be done. Seems sad that a loved one would be off to a nursing home for the sole reason of toileting issues if there were any feasible options.
(6)
Report
I can understand how your husband would be uncomfortable viewing and cleaning his mothers "privates".
A wet diaper wouldn't be too bad but having to clean #2 smeared all over the skin and in crevices would be a challenge.

Is there a reason that, during your husband's visit, that he (or the family) couldn't hire a home health aide to attend to his mother's diapering needs?

Is his mother alert, bedridden, demented? I would think it would be easier to clean her if mom was mentally out of it than if she was thinking clearly and aware of what he was doing.

Clearly, his sister needs a break. It isn't right that he would make her do 24/7 duty because he won't change her diaper. She deserves some free time also.

None of us wants to clean our parents but we need to find alternatives if we are unable to do the job.
(2)
Report
So my 3 siblings who literally lived 25 minutes on all sides of me snd Mom didnt lift a finger to help us! Botton line is I have no regrets! Selfish people do selfish things! Mom needed me and I was there! That is what you do for anyone you love whatever is needed! Font make excuses as to why you dont do anything to help...my 3 siblings did the same. I am the youngest and I have no respect for what they did.. but yet when Mom was younger they used her to babysit left and right but when she needed them they were too busy and nowhere to be found! If you seriously are worried about seeing her private parts dont look snd just put the diaper on. It is not the same as changing a child because usually they are already on the toilet and are sitting with NOTHING showing so just take the old one off put in s bag tie the bag off and out a new diaper on and they stand turn your head and pull it up. My brother who took her to church did that much at least for the once a week dog and pony shoe to pretend to others that they actually did domething which was a farce! Personally I hope all 4 when they get older that their kids do the very same that they did for my Mom which was NOTHING! They used my Mom and when she needed them they were unavailable! I did for for Mom and worked 3 jobs and came home and took care of Mom with no complaining for 9 years with no help from 3 selfish self centered siblings who lived 15 minutes on all sides! Bottom line my Mom was there for me and I was there for her! The sister needs a break been there done that had none! Pitch in and help and give your sister a much needed and much deserved break! If I hadn't done what I did I would Jane no room to talk but I did. I worked tirelessly to help Mom and I was blessed by her! She was a wonderful Mom! She was my heart and I miss her so much..I couldn't out it into words and I would do it all over again! I miss the simple things just talking together...cherish what time you have left together!
(4)
Report
Wow. Some of you really couldn’t be any more ridiculous & need to get over yourselves and step off your high horses. He does not need to “man up” here. If he doesn’t want to change his mothers diaper, he doesn’t have to and it doesn’t make him any less of a man.
(4)
Report
Sorry, but, yeah he should! He'd 'prefer to preserve his mother's dignity', what a cop out. Hey, I can totally understand how uncomfortable it is. I am 61, taking care of my 93 yr old mother, she won't ask my son's to go out to the garage to get her depends. I asked her..... "who do you think is gonna have to help ME with my underpants when I'm too old to help myself?" I have two sons and I'll be damned if I'm gonna put the responsibility on their girlfriends or wives. Ah, I'd like to be put out to pasture, lol. Unless you can afford it, which not many people can these days, it ain't like the 60's, 70's and 80's. This is a new world with overpriced housing, overpriced care and even if you get a paid caregiver, I've had nothing but bad luck with those, essentially, they are lazy cuz they don't think anyone's watching. Anyway, my advise is to tell the guy to "man-up and take care of his mother... he probably wouldn't change the babies diapers?" His excuse doesn't fly anymore.
(6)
Report
I don't find any dignity in wearing a wet Depends. 4 1/2 years ago when my mom was in rehab following a massive stroke, they wouldn't have discharged her to me if I wasn't toileting her.
(3)
Report
Your husband shouldn’t be doing anything he’s not comfortable doing. He isn’t obligated to change anyone’s diaper. It really doesn’t matter who changed his diaper as a baby, that’s really one of the stupidest justifications people like to use. There is a huge difference between changing YOUR BABY’s diaper and changing YOUR PARENT’s diaper. Don’t let anyone here make you or your husband feel bad for not changing his mother’s diapers.
(5)
Report
There are a lot of nasty comments on here about telling others what to do. IF someone is not comfortable with whatever, that is their right to feel so. Just because you or you or you think someone should do that task, does NOT make them responsible. If someone does not want to do something, that is THEIR right, not to have YOU judge them.
(4)
Report
If men can't be expected to change their mothers' Depends, then neither should women be expected to change their fathers!

Since women usually end up being the caregivers (I know; not always), it seems like women more often have to change their fathers' Depends.

So it's sexist to expect that men shouldn't have to change their mothers' Depends.

And it's often just a copout. Curious...so if Mama feels uncomfortable with her son changing her, she feels comfortable with dumping more on her daughter?
(4)
Report
No, ...as my mother at 93 continued to get worse, we decided to put her in a nursing home. I was not changing diapers....sorry. she lived alone with no one to take care of her 24/7.
(2)
Report
I have been thinking about my comment before about men changing their moms diapers I was kinda harsh ! I think what I should of said is that it should be 100% up to the mom her comfort is all that matters at this point in her life !
(1)
Report
I completely understand. If I were to be in this situation of needing my briefs changed, my husband would bend over backwards and then some to care for me. However, if it was his mother, he would bend over backwards to do everything he could to help her except to change her briefs. He would feel very uncomfortable with her "personal" care, and would hire someone to ensure she was taken care of. I would think this is not uncommon for children of the opposite sex to find this uncomfortable, and that is okay.
(3)
Report
My mother is 96 and I take mom to the bathroom. I clean her and change her diapers. I also give her a shower. Both of us are comfortabke with this. She lives with me and I am her primary caregiver.
(5)
Report
Yes - I wasn't comfortable changing my Dad's, but I took care of him. I also did my Mom's. It's not about a sexual or dignity thing, it's about care and comfort. No one wants a sore bottom period. I just lost my Mom 8 days ago - Dad in 2011 - at that point with dementia, they just need to be cared for & kept as comfortable as possible - pure & simple. They aren't going to remember him doing it anyway most likely...
(6)
Report
He should say something to his sister... we had this in our family with my MIL. her 4 sons did not feel comfortable at all... thus the women(wives and sisters) did take this on.. we understood completely with no ill -will... hope your SIL can somehow understand this- or maybe hire a health aide to deal with this(?)when she is out. This is not a time for egos to get in the way although , believe me, they CAN..especially if one feels that the "others" are not lifting a hand as much as they believe they ARE..open and truthful communicationis the only way... He can assist in other ways, ie - meals, etc... hope you can work this out..
(5)
Report
It is a hard situation. My husband changes his Grandmother. It was hard at first for him but now the only thing he has issues with is that he will not bath her.

In our household Grandma is being changed by myself, my husband, our 20 year old daughter (who is now a CNA), and my 17 year old daughter. If my husband and I are away the girls help. Now my son is the only one that I DON'T expect to do this, I feel that is way to awkward.
(1)
Report
The responses to this one are varied and amazing. Nursing home and/or death rather than toileting/diaper assistance?! You say that now, but when the time comes...? My mother was adamant too, but things change. She had hip surgery. Had a very tough recovery and ended up in a nursing home for a bit. I came back after a short time away and was surprised to see more than one male staff member. When she called for assistance and a male CNA came in I thought she'd fuss. She didn't. After he left, I asked her about it. She said you do what you have to do, the "fellas" (she called them) were professional. She did what she had to do, they did what they had to do. This from my 85-year-old mother who had a black male CNA. So things can change --and-- be okay if you let them. But as others have stated, everyone handles these things differently. The family will be content to allow the sister doing the care to continue to do it and handle the tough parts. I'm saddened by people's comments that think a nursing home is required if mom needed toileting assistance or Depends. They obviously haven't been to a nursing home lately. Sad. We'll all likely be there one day.
(2)
Report
she changed his diapers. But I see what your saying. He needs to explain to his sister on how he feels about it and ask that she be changed before she leaves him there. I could see how a son would be uncomfortable changing his mother’s depends. She probably appreciates it though. I have three sons no daughters but would hope they will do that for me when or if I need that
(0)
Report
So I Had to change my dad and my dad did not want me to but we had no choice,I was gonna have my husband help me but my dad said .No please No Im embaressed ! So I did it alone for as long as I could Then I got my nephew to help me my Dad said No !At 1st but I had to tell my dad He has to let someone help I said Dad you are getting weaker and I just cant lift you alone anymore please just let us do this and so we did !! SOMETIMES WE ALL JUST HAVE TO SUCK IT UP AND DO WHAT WE NEVER THOUGHT WE CAN DO ! THATS LIFE! If hes uncomfortable to do diapers then why dont you help him ? I had to go change my EX FATHER IN LAWS DIAPER! JUST unconnect yourself and do whats got to be done its just a butt we all have one haha !!I I reallyDO UNDERSTAND! I never thought I could ever do diapers but you do what ya gotta do to get by .What do we do when there is not a bunch of money to throw around! Nobody else will take care of our family the way we do ! Nobody ever wants to change a diaper even if its a baby but we gotta do it....
(4)
Report
Hi.

This could be me in your shoes....Only, it is my 3 brothers who are involved, not my husband. Mom lives with me. The time has come for bathroom assistance for my mother. She cannot manage by herself. Despite the fact that each of my brothers would do anything I ask of them to help with mom, the bathroom stuff is not on that list. They have made it clear, they are not comfortable, nor do they think that mom would be either. They asked her. She said, a loud NO. She does not want the boys in the bathroom with her. We have aides, but, it still poses a problem when we go out and one of my brothers stays with mom. So, consequently, they can't, and they don't. I think that personality plays a BIG role in this, not only what is best for mom. Yes, I believe she should be comfortable, and so should the caregiver. Thus, the dilemma. HELP. Me too.
(0)
Report
I don't think the mother's dignity is an issue as much as the fact that he is not comfortable doing it. If he has committed himself to being there in his sister's absence, he has a duty to his mother to keep her clean and dry if need be. Otherwise, it would be my suggestion to have a caregiver come into the home when the sister isn't able to be there so the mother is properly cared for.
(4)
Report
I never considered dignity important when my mom(92) needed her Depends changed. I have been her 24/7 caregiver for 4 1/2 years. It is a ritual for us. I take her to the bathroom and she knows she is wet. I change her clothes and her Depends. She likes to check them to see how much she peed. When I get a new case I open them in front of her so she knows she has more. She feels secure knowing she has plenty. I like to make her part of the process. Sometimes she wants me to pull them up because she says I can do it better. You just do what you have to do.
(7)
Report
Can't you change the briefs?
(1)
Report
The most important thong is that his mother's "briefs" need to be changed so that her skin doesn't break down. It doesn't matter who changes the briefs. If your husband is that uncomfortable changing his mother's briefs, you (as his partner in life) could pitch in and change them for him. If you feel uncomfortable doing that, then, yes, of course, your husband should be changing the briefs. The sister that lives with his mother evidently is shouldering 90% of the care from a family member. So, certainly, when she needs a little relief, her brother (or his wife) should be willing to step in and help. Your husband, perhaps, needs to get over the hurdle that he is a male and his mother is female. He is a family member of a person in need of his assistance in this phase of her life.
(7)
Report
At her age sometimes dignity is unachievable. Your husband needs to help his sister and do what is necessary to help her and ultimately his Mom. I did everything for my Mom for 9 years with no help...I tried to honor her wishes and keep her at home but when her femur broke she was in a nursing home because not 1 of 3 would help me who lived within 15 minutes on each side of us. She was changed by many different people in the nursing home including men and she never complained. Look at it this way she changed his diapers when he was her baby boy and now she needs him to change hers. She cant help what she is going through just help her go through it. I was blessed to have a wonderful Mom and I have no regrets..and your husbands sister and your husband won't either and trust me on that! Be good to her while you can and no it isn't easy but it is worth it! I hired caretakers to help me while I worked and there were many in those 8 years at home and she even got used to strangers bathing her because I couldn't do everything by myself and Mom and I both were fine with that and Mom never complained because those caretakers were in our home to do what needed done. That is another avenue you can take. Do what must be done and what is best for Mom. I'm sure she's not going to mind how it gets done just as long as it does get done.
(6)
Report
We are all different for so many reasons. I myself hate to think of anyone taking care of my personal needs. I also know that if that time comes I will find a way to kill myself. (Seriously) Many will find this offensive. I believe that if life has little quality then I will do without quantity. I mean honestly what is the point????
Sorry those religious folks. No offense intended
(9)
Report
My husband said that it was a honor to be able to take care of his mother. He also said that when he was unaware of his needs, she took care of him. I would always let him know that I was there to do whatever was needed as well. That was just him and how he was.
(6)
Report
If/when the time comes for me to need help with diapers, I want my son & daughter to put me in a home. I do not want them being burdened with my care, especially my personal needs. I would be mortified & hate for them to do this!

Is there a joint agreement between your husband & sister to keep your MIL out of a nursing home? If so, maybe your husband can hire an aide.
(8)
Report
I'm old. I can tell you that I wont mind who keeps me dry just so long as someone does. Dignity has little to no consequence at a certain point in life.

Perhaps it's time for this dear one to be in a facility where professionals take care of her and the family can come in dignity and visit after others have done the hard jobs.
I'm with sadTexas Sister and Marcia7321. Hubby would not want to change places with is sister, I guarantee you. Since he can't man up to the job, someone needs to be hired part time to do this essential and other care while his sister gets a break each day to have something of a life of her own.
(4)
Report
1 2 3
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter