My mother in law is in a nursing home in another state. She has MS and is wheelchair-bound (and has been for quite some time), but until recently had been in otherwise decent health. Over the past couple of years, she has had a series of UTI infections that have required treatment.
Most recently, she's had a UTI for several months (!!). At this point, she needs hospitalization and a blood transfusion. The UTI is presenting cognitive symptoms and she's a bit mentally mixed up. She was never a particularly religious person, but she's started telling us to just "pray for her."
She's been refusing to go to the hospital and refusing all treatment, and has refused to eat for the last three days. Her home won't give her treatment or food without her consent, and we're pretty far away. We've tried reasoning with her, but it doesn't seem to be working.
What do we do? Should we try to pursue legal guardianship (and if we do, do we need to get a lawyer in her state or ours)? Is there anything more we could do if we drop everything and fly out there? Any suggestions on reasoning to use to try to talk her into going to the hospital like she should?
Links/resources/advice all very much appreciated.
What I wrote about various religious beliefs concerning food & nourishment is not my personal belief, but it is factual and reality for some religions and people. There are religious and secular people who believe it is cruel to not provide/offer nourishment to someone who is dying, just as there are those who believe the opposite, as you noted. Secondly, my intention was not to "heap guilt" on anyone but to point out, as others have done here, that there could very well be other things going on here besides "the natural part of the dying process" and redsage, for the family's peace should explore the situation. I'm not suggesting that redsage thwart MIL's wishes to die if she's ready to go. I'm suggesting that redsage get some clarity on the situation by evaluating it first hand. At the least, a visit at the NH could bring a chance to see MIL for what could be the last time, and say good-byes.
Redsage is obviously wanting to be involved or desires to respond in some fashion to the MIL's situation...and should. I applaud the interest. I think the "guilt" could arrive later if he/she does nothing but wait for a phone call from the NH saying it's over.
"Waddle1": Please don't heap guilt on anyone by suggesting that letting God (or nature) take control is somehow sinful. Many would argue that modern medicine has increasingly been 'playing God' with the elderly. The many "temporary illnesses" that arise when a person's body begins to fail are inevitable at the end of life and, in my view, shouldn't be treated as crises or even "illnesses."
I experienced what I think you are going through; A) The feeling {responsibility) of wanting to do the right thing...that you can't just let this family member decline in a harsh manner without some sort of a response and...B) the uncertainty of whether these decisions she's making are her genuine, competent wishes or perhaps the result of unclear thinking ("mentally mixed up") caused by a treatable and what could be a temporary illness.
You are searching for answers. The best way to get them is face-to-face from your MIL, the NH, and her doctor or other medical pros at the NH. As to what to say to your MIL to perhaps change her mind and accept food & medical treatment; considering logic will probably not be helpful, I would fight fire with fire, if she says again to pray for her, remind her that most religions find it sinful to kill yourself, which she's doing by not eating or allowing treatment for an illness. Some religions also find it worse than sinful (murderous) to deny food and nourishment to God's creation.
Hospice will prescribe antibiotics if needed.
Listen to your instincts.
How old is MIL? How long has she been in the NH? How often is she visited by family members? Friends?
I think the bottom line question is whether she is in her right mind. (And if she is, I'm not sure you could obtain guardianship.) Do her doctors think she is incompetent to make her own decisions?
My heart goes out to you. You are in a very difficult situation. Competent adults are allowed to make their own decisions, even against family wishes.
My ILs siblings were in the same state but all declined the responsibility.
Is someone living near your MIL that is currently overseeing her care? If so, what do they say?
Sometimes older people begin to do what my grandmother called "cramming for finals". She was referring to people being concerned that religion might be important after all as they deliberate their own possible deaths.