So a well-recommended, 5 star LTC facility opened up and we were able to get mom in. I'm utilizing this time more almost so I can wrap my mind around some things and still explore the possibility of hiring private caregivers to supplement PACE. She has to be out of her independent living facility, so the timing was good.
The staff was so warm and welcoming. Mom is a bit confused but overall seems well.
HERE is my issue,
I happened to look up one of the NPs that is part of my mom's care team on facebook. Her profile isn't private so I just scrolled down a bit and just in August she posted what I feel was a very disrespectful post about nursing home patients. It went like this:
"Dr., what happens after we die?
"We clean the bed and admit a new patient"
Her own comment at the top was "This is so wrong, but when you work in a nursing home"
I know her personal life is personal. I won't send this on to anyone...
But I am SICK. I need to get mom home sooner than later and this is probably a sign.
But why would an NP who is supposed to care for this population post such a thing?
Would this bother anyone else?
Thank you forum friends for letting me vent
I work in a forensic setting and can say that our work humor is something that others would not get.
I would guess that the vast majority even of those interested people would appreciate and wryly smile at the joke* which she posted. But others might not be in the mood, and she would do better to keep private exchanges of in-jokes private.
*The joke, by the way, targets the cynicism of the nursing home industry. It does not condone indifference to residents' hopes and fears, quite the opposite.
I know two cops , a few nurses , a mortician and a psychiatrist. Every last one of them have a super dark sense of humour and a pragmatic attitude to the nature of their job. The mortician is the most respectful of them all , I suppose because he truly feels that he is honoured with sending other's loved ones off for the last time but the others ? Well ...they joke to cope . Some of them are quite frankly , very depressed . Imagine what they see and deal with every day and understand that gallows humour is the only way for some people to keep going and doing their job. It is a bit callous but it doesn't mean they don't care about the people they help and deal with every day . It doesn't mean they don't feel pain at every loss and death they see. They do see a lot of death .
I understand how upset you would feel seeing that comment on fb, but that joke truly tells us what happens when a patient dies , the bed is cleared and made ready for another. That's it . That's reality.
My mom and I have had a running" Shady Pines , ma !"( Golden Girls ) joke for years, that doesn't mean that I would ever send her to a nursing home , EVER , because I won't. It's a joke .
Focus on how your mom is doing. See her demeanour and if she's bruised or incoherent and drugged or unhappy when you visit . Those are the red flags , not an observation on a Facebook page .
You seem like a sweet person who just loves their mom so keep doing that . I tell you , if you sat with a nurse or a cop and listened to their serious stories you'd never want to hear them again . So, Good luck with your mom and stay positive .
challenge so try to give yourself some time to think this through, especially if your LO is settling in. At most, possibly talk with your NH contacts. Emotions are on overload right now so give yourself some time. Hugs.
Similarly, nobody sees the problem with this NP’s “joke” until they are in the NH themselves.
I agree with Ebmick1973 that the NP’s joke was inappropriate and unprofessional and should NOT be on FB. We all have jokes about the work that we do, but we keep them to ourselves, especially if we work in the profession and setting where death, dying, and sorrow are common.
I’d print the FB “joke” and give it to the NP’s employer.
Yes that could’ve been a little bit disturbing but why are you going on Twitter to investigate the staff/team on your mother. I didn’t find that to defensive but I’m more than sure there is a work code of ethics about patient’s private information known as HIPPA. First of all she didn’t mention any names of staff or residence. I realize people don’t think before they do I feel that you need to address this to the director of the nursing home. This is no reason to withdraw mother out of this nursing home, or why you placed her in the first place. You are your mothers advocate and you must advocate you are the voice so you step up to the plate and address it nursing home will do their investigation. Make sure you ask for feedback. Don’t fear they stay strong . Are you ready to receive mother back home with you are you physically and mentally prepared to deal with her actions. Remember why you Place her in the first place . Stop and think for us it’s wonderful she is safe.
Feed three times a day, medications taken bath and showered activities. You must see to that this is continued. But all’s well only you can make that decision if you want to take your mother back home talk to your family members first make sure you have the support/help there’s nothing better than a mothers love but safety is first.
They’ll be a lot of decisions at the nursing home you have to keep your eyes open and stay off the Twitter nothing but a gossip area that really doesn’t define a lot it’s gossip and put bad decisions in your mind. Signing off Brown, Sugar
If you're that concerned, contact the NP via her page or privately and tell her the joke bothered you. Be ready, though, she'll probably then make her page private and you won't see anything.
Transition to a NH environment is usually a source of angst and confusion for everyone involved. The real tell will be how your mother is doing after a period of settling in, not someone's joke on their FB page.
If you feel OK about contacting the NP and telling her that you found her FB post offensive, do that as well. It's probably the only way she'll realize it was hurtful.
Pick your battles--this is probably not the most important. Be alert what happens when you express concerns to staff at the facility--what is their first reaction? If their first reaction is to deny, to blame someone else, to say they can't, to say there's not enough staff--that's a red flag.
However, I think what the NP posted was pretty tame. I was in social work for a number of years... working with medical teams and law enforcement. Many of these professionals have an edge to them. They see “reality” on an hourly basis. I think when we are in high stress modes, comments like the NP’s affect us differently. The majority of the professionals are compassionate or they would not be in this field.
However, they have to develop coping mechanisms...humor...matter of fact speech, a level of detachment or they would constantly be falling apart on the job and become unable to help/care for the sick and vulnerable. I understand and respect your feelings. Personally, I would not post any work related content for all to see. Consider using a filtering lens to interpret what others say. When we are dealing with multiple stressors... it is easy to interpret as coldness or personal offense.
1) Many years ago, I had a room in a house shared by others, and a fellow in another room had been a medic in Viet Nam. He mentioned how much he liked the show MASH, because, as he put it, the humor on the show was EXACTLY like what he experienced in Viet Nam.
2) My father was in the hotel business, and he used to say that a night in a hotel room was a "perishable item" somewhat like fresh produce because if that room remained empty the previous night, there is nothing that could make up for it--the next night was a completely different "product" in its own right. It's the same with a bed in a nursing home--any night during which a bed is unoccupied represents a lost opportunity to bring in revenue, and as others have said, a nursing home--whether "non-profit" or "for profit" is a business and needs to operate as such.
3) We can be certain that ebmick1953 will be sure to use more discretion during her own career than the person who posted on Facebook!
Many if us do it here all the time, complain about cleaning up messes or being the brunt of a loved ones wrath and dementia, make inside jokes to add some levity but none of that means we don’t love and care for that loved one, in fact often we do in an effort to continue doing just that either by looking for helpful ideas and information or simply venting to others who have been in the same place. Would I pick FB to have the discussions we have here? No but I grew up without social media.
Give yourself a break ebmick1973, try not to find guilt in the personal pain of doing what you know is safest and best for Mom’s health as well as her families. Try to find optimism, positives in the bumps that present to you rather than confirmation that you are doing the wrong thing. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.
Maybe some other family is desperate for help. Can't work full time, and take care of a loved one full time, and a family too. Its extremely stressful. The bed is a godsend to them.
Maybe the np had off for the weekend and then came back.. The resident died and was replaced. Very jarring I bet. She might have taken care of them for years.
You can't really know what she was thinking. Its a fact of life unfortunately. It might not have been disrespectful at all. Maybe she missed the last person. Its her job. She doesn't really get tome to grieve like the family would. She has to keep working.
I don't think it was bad. Just venting. She has a right to. Its not an easy job.