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I have my narcissist mother living in my home and would gladly give up my inheritance for someone to take her off my hands. If anyone has the chance to have someone else take care of them, I think you should let them, and run as fast as you can because it is hell. If it depends on the nursing home getting your inheritance, then let them have it. There are some ways around that tho. But I had to feel guilty and take this mean woman that is my mom out of the nursing home and she is in her mind, bearly, but enought to say "I am not going back" and that is all it takes and you are stuck.

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I don't think the 'Indian giver' thing applies here. Put her back.
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2oldtogiveacrap is a "Registered Nurse. I have been supervising nursing homes for 15 years now. I have recently taken my mother out of the one I work in to live with my husband and I." so she knows a few things. I guess the slipup here is that the mother is not demented enough, not yet "condemned," to have another make decisions for her. Do you have POA or conservatorship? That would probably be the best route, then you'd have the power to put her back. Don't put her where you work or you'll never have any peace there.

So was money (inheritance) a consideration in bringing her home? It certainly would be mine. If your mother is still with it enough, how about having her see a psychiatrist and counselor? My mom is good natured, but when she is having a delusional confrontational episode, I say things calmly like "that is not acceptable, Mom, open your eyes, come back to the room, and get in the real world. The world with your squirrels, kitties, Andre Rieu..." It seems to have an effect. How far does someone have to be "gone" for you to call them on their maddening and cruel behavior.

Anyway, you being a nursing home RN, you must have a few answers up your sleeve, and perhaps this has happened at your facility before with other families. The "home didn't work out, we're back" situation.
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Alzcaregiver. Well, it all sux. Ya see I had the health care proxy and they deemed her incompetent, but then guess what, I had 30 days to take her back and she became completely sane scoring 27 out of 30 on the mmse test in the docs office so therefore if she says "I am not going back" the nursing home cannot keep her if she is in her right mind (and she is in her right mean mind). So I got stuck, they told me she had 2 masses in her lungs that looked like lung cancer but it turns out now that it is not, after hospice is now coming to my house. She told the hospice RN today that I stole her car and all her household stuff. Like I would really want all this crap that has cluttered up my home. Jesus, she has a home worth 65K max. Hell, I can make that in a year easy working part time. She has called my husband every name in the book, mainly we are theives and liers and idiots. She has told everyone this crap. I mean, I explained to her, mother, I REALLY don't want your "home interior" crap and I just brought it here for you to feel at home. Oh Lord, No, it was all about guilt that she made me feel. PLEASE take the house"""Ha
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Gee, I think you're screwed. This should be a movie that no one would want to watch. Hey, can you pull a 51/50 on her? Wait until she throws an ashtray at you, kicks or hits one of you, and have her arrested for assai;t. Or taken in on the old "danger to herself or others" line. Then get a restraining order. Let the state have her? Have her arrested for slander. Gee, and I only had to deal with 2 hours (so far tonight...) of sloppy poop. Piece of cake. There's something to be said (in this case) when dementia leaves folks like this speechless.

Get her a nice little apartment somewhere if she is so sane, and move all her nice possessions back in with her, and inform some adult protective services agency to keep an eye on her. Oh, really, what do I know. How do you divorce your parents?
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Thanks Alzcaregiver. I have already put the apartmentment thing in the agenda. But they say april. I have to stand it for that long. My poor husband, I don't know. He is ready to get in the car and drive off because she is so mean to him. I am ready to do the same. She sleeps like this. Bed 8pm. Up 10 pm makes coffee (and drags her feet closes doors, clanks tops of jars, ect) Bed 12 midnight. Up 2:45 makes coffee. Sleeps in recliner til 4Am. Bed 4am. up 6Am makes coffee. Over and over and over. Every word you say to her is a smart ass comment. She has an iq of 100 and thinks she is Einstein. She knows everything. Talks about everybody bad. Tells me every move to make. Screws up her medicines. It sux. Yes she is out of here one way or the other. I take care of elderly people for a living and never, ever have problems out of all of them combined like this. I mean, I can run a nursing home with my eyes shut. It is just that now I am inside the box and not outside of it.
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I know what your going through. We are trying to get dad into a care home working with doc and social services,they have been great.If any of you are considering having a parent come to live with you,don't,I regret it. I love my dad alot but the strain is tearing my family apart. I feel trapped because it is going to be hard to get him to accept he now needs to go into a home but can't do it without his permission and help from local health workers. Dad been with us 5 years and his needs have changed in this time we thought we could cope with anything,but we can't.
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I know how to get him there. Where do you live? I know all the rules. I run nursing homes and the rules are abc but and there is a BUT, you have to follow them step by step. I know the steps. Ask me the questions and I will tell you the answers.
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Tell her if she's going to be up so early she has to get a job. She likes making coffee and staying up most of the night so how about a night shift at 7-11?

My mom would skewer everybody also with dramatic act outs about how she told this one or that one off. I put an end to that by telling her that she was damaging her health by forcing her body into a 'fight stress' situation and then by giving her some little bite to eat.

Like I have mentioned earlier on these posts, I'm 5.5 years caregiving now and my mom was a nightmare and it was like taming a feral animal. so I used food. All pleasant behavior was rewarded with a little applesauce cup, yogurt, tapioca pudding, etc. They sell all kinds of fruit cups, you name it at the big discount stores like Sam's, smart & Final, Costco, whatever part of the country you're in. We always have stacks of little healthy, tasty snacks that we can pop open and hand over with a spoon. Works wonders.

Bad behavior is not acceptable and there are consequences. I discovered that food was her currency and used that. I also say that this worked for me and my mom and it may not work for you yet because your mom still goes into the kitchen and bangs around but hey it might break up the day if she starts acting out and you hang a t-bone out there and tell her if she shuts up and acts like a human being you'll cook this sucker up with fried onions and a baked potato and a bottle of beer if she wants it. Just quit acting like an A******!!

If that doesn't work you can always go for the flyswatter and duct tape. KIDDING!!!

you have my respect 2old2giveacrap. hang in there and I hope you know how many people out here have you in their thoughts and prayers.

lovbob
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Your mother sounds a lot like my own. I also believe she's a narcissist and I am to the point that I hate her. I wish I could advice you as to what to do. My mother is also delusional, but coherent enough that she has decided that she is going to be the way she is.
If anything, the only thing I can offer is to let you know that I am here. Personally, I find it a little comforting knowing there are others out there, that can relate to the "Mommy Dearest" syndrom.
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Yes, well today she has decided over me that she is going to drive again. She ran away for the weekend to go to a friends, which I am sure the friend is ready to pull her hair out by now and I think I will just drop hospice and let her pay for her own pampers. She was completely continent before she came here. Now she leaves her stinky peed diapers for me to get out and put in the trash. My husband is going to have a stroke is something does not change. I had to get out of bed and take her there on a work night and I work the night shift. She had her crap packed when I got out of bed, demanded that I get her to bible study and I did not even get a cup of coffee, she had fixed all her meds wrong and I had to straighten that out before I left. But yes I keep meeting her demands. She makes me feel like crap if I don't and I just wanted rid of her for the weekend, My husband feels so lost because he doesn't know what to do.
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I don't know what Bible your mother is studying in her 'Bible study', but it sure isn't like mine. She is being very ungodly towards you and your husband, and she ought to be called on the carpet about that. As soon as you wrote that she wanted to go to her 'Bible study', that both raised red flags, and hope at the same time for me. If I were in your place, I'd be calling the Bible study leader and tell her how your mother acts at home. She could be putting on a different front to her friends altogether. If all she is doing at this, so called study, is gossiping about her family then that's why she insists she go. Not because she's actually learning anything about Christ, (because believe me she is NOT acting Christ like), it's because she has found a captive audience. But on the other hand, if this IS actually a valid Bible study, then the leader needs to know what she is doing at home. Someone your mother respects needs to talk to her, and if you have to hit her with the God Word, then so be it.
And also, I'd tell you and your husband to get away to a nice hotel for a few days and rest. Leave her alone, she won't die (probably).
At least tell him to go, and you could join him later, but GO! :)
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thanks 2old2giveacrap for yor support. I'm British and i'm sure it works different here to the U.S system. Hope you don't think I should stick to British site but your just what I need.
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thanks naheaton, yeah, I'm wondering what bible they use. Is it one called how to make your kids feel like dirt, worthless, and guilty, how to make them think they should have never been born and the only reason they were was born was to be their parents servants their entire lives.
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Yeah, my mom's bible version isn't a godly one, either! In fact, I think Satan wrote it. She doesn't even deserve the "Mommy Dearest" title, because she's far from dear. Her preacher-et Pastor is pampering the princess and allowing her to be more like Judas than the Prov. 31 person a mother should be. Wicked, I say. ~Guess your post struck a chord, naheaton! Only thing is, I don't have anyone to call and complain, as they're all listening to her, and persecuting me. I sound like a whiner, don't I? Sorry. That whole "spiritual" crowd turned my Narcissistic mother into a Saint. Lovely people.
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my brother that is a lawyer that was to busy to help with my dad over the years is also a elder of the church, for some reason that makes his behavior all that much worst to me.It turned my stomach so bad I've changed religions.
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I totally get that. The 'rotten mom or dad syndrome' doesn't bother me, but when they start bringing God, and especially Christ into it, I do get mad. If you're NOT gonna act Christlike, then DON'T call yourself a Christian, keep that to yourself. It makes people think that's the way a 'Christian' acts. WRONG! And I wouldn't hesitate to bring that to their attention either.
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I have changed denominations, as well, because the system I grew up in is corrupt. I don't blame God, but ungodly humans for this mess. I do have support from my Pastor, who tells me like it is, and points me to the cross. My mom and siblings have a semblance of religiosity, to suit their wicked schemes. They call theirs "christianity," but live far from the truth. For instance, mom said I wasn't "honoring" her, telling people I told her she was going to hell. Her little f "father" is putting ideas into her head, and blaming me. The people believing mom are working with her to condemn me. I stand before the one who matters and knows all. The world will someday, too! And it won't be me answering for all these doings, but their millstone. Meanwhile, I stand before the accusers as they rail and wage war. Still praying for a miracle... Who is helping the caregiver?
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Mom, my daughter and I used to go to the same church. Only after strange comments from the priest did I realize that mom had been telling him (and her seniors group) every time we had a spat (only her side), all the details of my daughter's infertility probs, everything about my past, my son's divorce and many untruths. Needless to say, my daughter and I no longer attend church with her. She claims to be such a good Christian. In her attempt to garner sympathy for herself, she stabbed us all in the back. I've never known a more selfish person. And the priest siding with her. I've changed denominations also.
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Before you leave, I'd give that biased priest a piece of my mind. He should know better, there is always TWO sides to every coin. My gosh, we learned that in grade school!
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Yes, but they have an "obligation" to their parishoners, I'm told...as mom's female "Pastor" took the side of lies. Hmmmm. What's wrong with this picture?
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The Priest you say as in catholic oh no, they are especially supposed to be impartial. Besides they only stay at a place 2 years now, and not more than 6 I've heard. Couldn't you just change churches? or were you ready for a new taste of religion? I'm not trying to be funny really, just curious. I recently went back to my childhood church. New priest but he is great. I'm even thinking about heading the choir.
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It does make a very real differance when the person is your Mom or Dad. I would say tell her in no uncertain terms this is how it goes... and explain it is not appropiate for her to treat you and your husband that way... Find an senior apt an assisted living or whatever and move her out, with all her stuff!!! I think that we cannot just allow people to be rude and mean. My Mother can be VERY mean. One of my biggest fears when my children were little was that she would try to take my oldest son away from me. I worked I am a nurse also and she did not approve. Does she have alzheimers or some form of dementia??? that would be the only way I would tolerate that "stuff" take care and think about taking care of you and your marriage!
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As far as people, priests, taking sides, it is natural to take the side of the afflicted. Just as we all tell our tales of deadbeat siblings and cruel parents, we we believe our own stories. So the priest and parishioners believe the mothers...or simply shrug and put up with it. You don't know though it the priest might be actually trying to steer the mother into a more realistic vision of her experience. Like "don't you think they deserve to live their own lives, not focused on you?" or "do you really have that much worth stealing" or "have you thought about thanking them for what they have done for you in taking you in?"

One doesn't normally assume the speaker is innately cruel, vicious, demented, or mentally ill.
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It's true, they don't believe the caregiver, even when there's a proven diagnosis. Most people want to be a hero and make nice. (Except the one who's being abusive.) They convince others they are a victim, when this is often NOT the case! Better to listen to both sides, and be an impartial judge, than to err and create a bigger mess! But, for most of us, that's dreaming... I feel for you in this sad situation. Been there and didn't win. We have walked away. Let the momster have her tale, and I will have peace in my distance. I stand before God, completely justified! When they just won't bend to reality, it's time to walk away from them. I agree with Jaye. For those who's loved ones aren't like that, you may think so, but you do not understand.
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Secret Sister that is the truth!
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I totally get it..... I have both my 90 year old "I don't do ANYTHING" mother-in-law and 95 year old "I'm not f'ing old" father-in-law that have been living with me for 4 years.......All I can say is, "I'm a 50 year old woman who gave up my day job to run a home business (that I have building for 8 years) and keep an "eye" on them.....In the year of "Go Red For Women" I hope I drop dead of a fast heart attack so I don't have to take their crap anymore. The only fear I have had in my life is that these 2 "badly behaved children" will outlive me and I'll never know the joy of life without them. God give me grace to survive.
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To all the caregivers stories that I just read above.

My hearts goes out for all of you. I've been caring for my mother for 10 years now with dementia she will be 90 next month...God willing. And I have to say I never went through what you are going through. Was she like that before she got sick? I would also suggest that you find some outlet that can help you release some of the stress that you are going through. It sounds like you are on your last nerve and that's not good for you and the person you are taking care of.
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Wow. Sounds like my life. My 83 y/o alzheimer demon mother has been living with my husband and I for 21/2 years since we found out she couldn't care for herself. She was on a waiting list for an assisted living facility and wouldn't go when a spot opened. My brothers got mad when she moved in with us and cut off relations with all of us. We do have her go to a day program. I need advice. We are having hygiene issues. She wears the same clothes even though she has enough to wear everyday for month without doing laundry. She hoards everything even taking the barf bag off the plane, plastic silverware from the senior center (used) and washes the recyclables to keep. My house is cluttered and horrible. She will stand in a store and throw a fit when I won't let her buy more stuff. Tells people she only has one sweater etc. I lay out clothes and she puts them back in the closet and outs on the stinky one. She has taken over my house with her junk and I can't stand her stuff or attitude.She gets mad when I do something other than work without her being included. I feel guilty about my hostility. I do have POA but not guardianship. Somebody help me put her in a home without feeling like I abandoned her. I want my life and house back.
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Throw away the stinky clothes.
Medicate medicate medicate? This sort of non-bathing, etc was helped by Zoloft for Mom.
or
Bring her over to your brother's house with a moving van.
Read Elder Rage. There's also a website with suggestions
http://www.elderrage.com
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anything you can get on her, fall, edema , chest pain, short of breath, mental status change, then take her to ER and make sure they admit her for 3 midnights, then tell social services to place her in a nursing home and don't ever ever ever ever go get her no matter what.
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