Life after the loss of your loved one...

Mom died in Jan. 2021 age 88. Earlier in this thread I said I thought her passing would hit me harder than Dads but in her last few months she was in such pain and so afraid, her passing was deep sadness mixed with relief.

With both my parents I find I am remembering the good things on our relationships more than the difficulties. That is a blessing. I miss them both and sadness does come in waves like NeedhelpWithMom said

Thank you Send.....
Everyday is hard without Mom,but her Birthday and Christmas along with my Birthday are the hardest days...
If Mother were still here,we'd be getting dressed and ready for Mother's Birthday party at her brother's right now.
My Aunt and Uncle always made a wonderful dinner and my Aunt always made Mom a beautiful German Chocolate cake,then she had her presents.
I miss all that and my dear Mother~

Happy Birthday to your lovely Mom, Luckylu!

Happy Birthday to your dear Mom, CWillie!

My Step dad died June 2018. That’s when my world came crashing down. 10 months later my my died April 2019. They were both only 64. The 3 months later I received a phone call that my best friend since middle school had died July 2019. Wow. The only person I had left was my baby sister. Since our parents were now dead we lost our childhood home and she moved 10 hours away to live with her boyfriend but we talked everyday. My husbands 41st bday I got a knock at the door. They found her dead. August 2020. So here I am 9 months later still trying to figure this all out. Ugh 😩

Bringing this back up to the top....

My husband died on Sept.14th of this year. I was his caregiver for many, many years, and am still feeling a bit lost and not sure what to do with the rest of my life. In the 7 1/2 weeks since he died, I think there has only been 2 days that I didn't cry at some point in the day. And I'm ok with that. I will allow myself as much time as I need to grieve the man I loved for 26 years. I'm sure in time I will figure things out, and the grief process will get a little easier, but for now, I'm just taking one day at a time. That's all I know to do.

I also take comfort in now helping others on this forum with any knowledge I might have that could help them. I also am still involved in my local caregiver support group, as they where such a great help to me during my caregiving years, that I now want to return the favor. I guess you call it "paying it forward".

Willie, I have seen pics of my mom since she died and noticed a blank look in her eyes as if she was really confused. She hid it well but I know she felt like her life was truly out of her control. It is very sad.

(((Willie)))

cwillie....I remember seeing freight in other's eye's and
I think we didn't see how bad our Mother's looked and were because we were so close to them,saw them so often and just got used to them looking so frail.

My dad died in 2002. I still miss him. Certain things remind us of them. We laugh and we tear up too.

My daughters will bring up his name often. He adored my daughters and he was larger than life for them.

I think my therapist described grief perfectly. She said grief comes in waves. Some are gentle. Others knock us down. Very true.

Today I was looking at some pictures of my mom from the last few of years of her life. I can remember being particularly pleased with how well she looked in a couple of the ones at the nursing home but today it was as if the scales had fallen from my eyes and I saw what everyone else must have seen when they looked at her. My poor, poor mom.💔

My mom died in September. I miss her so much. But I still have dad. He’s in pretty good health. My husband and I have moved him in our house. We both enjoy his company. We take him to his old assisted living to visit his friends every afternoon. It’s a short walk and he enjoys getting out for a short walk and visit.

My dad passed last Sept. (age 92) and now my Mom is likely close to her end (age 88). Dad was a quiet guy, sweet for the most part but kind of spoiled as were/are a lot of men from his generation. His decline was long and arduous but his passing was peaceful. During his decline he always believed he was going to "get better". When he would decline more it baffled and frustrated him. I found that to be profoundly sad. When he passed I felt a mixture of relief and sorrow. I miss him but I feel like a part of his spirit is still with me, which is comforting.

Things are different with Mom. Our relationship was not an easy one... it was more complicated, more enmeshed. She has always carried a lot of anger and now it seems that's all that she has left. I know anger can be part of the process for people who are nearing the end but that does not make it any easier. I already feel a sense of loss and she is not even gone yet. I think her passing is going to hit me harder than Dad's, I will miss her more, but I also think there might be a feeling of release. My relationship with Mom felt suffocating, that part I will not miss.

My 95 yr old mom died on the American Labor Day, Sept 7, this year. She had Alzheimers. I feel one overwhelming thing.

1. Re: her death, there was nothing to it. Utterly silent. I would visit weekly and one week she stopped opening her eyes and stopped talking. She died about 4 weeks later. I thought THOUGHT that perhaps words could be said but it was just nothing. We never, ever got along and as an adult, you realize that you cannot undo years of history. I did think that as she neared death, we would say things (sorry, I love you, I wish you well, for ex) and I was fully prepared to lie about anything if it would make her happy. But she simply stopped responding to me, at all. She totally ignored me. Speaking as a grown up, I felt like a kid whose mother was completely indifferent to them. Her death was silence and the silence was concussive. This surprises me so much. So many folks here write about agitation, discomfort, pain, yelling - there was just nothing. Then she was gone.
I am fine, as I thought I would be. Haven't shed a tear. So many of my friends who have lost their mothers can still cry or tear up. I have zero idea what that would feel like.

I think about the afterlife a lot. How my dad, grandparents and others are doing. I like to imagine what heaven is like.

We hear remarkable stories but no one knows for sure!

Thanks Gershun~

Happy B'day to Lu and Willie's mom's!🎂💖

Today is my Mother's Birthday too....
It's her 5th Birthday in Heaven this year~
Again,I will miss being with her and the family tonight at my Uncle's home where we used to celebrate her special day. There was so much good food and laughter....
I will always miss Mother..............Happy Birthday Mom & Happy Birthday to your Mother too cwillie~

It's mom's birthday. The August long weekend used to always be such a great family time, coming together to celebrate local festivals and of course share birthday cake for mom but once the kids were grown they had other things to do and it was pulling hen's teeth to even get anyone to acknowledge the day. Sigh.

Dawners, I'm sorry you are in so much pain. It helps to talk to people who have gone through the same thing and can relate so continue to post here. But as for the wine..........well you are not doing yourself any favors there. Wine is a depressant too you know so it may make you feel worse. Have you tried just going for nice long walks. I just recently started a walking plan and it does help. Social distancing of course.

Four mths isn't a long time. Give yourself a break. Grief takes it's time. Don't be so hard on yourself.

It’s only been 4 months since my mommy passed away. I’m not the same person I was just last Christmas. I’m sad, lonely and depressed. I have a sister who is now taking care of my dad (just like mom did) and I feel like I have no family. I am angry at my dad for sucking the life out of mom (yes, she played a part too) and I feel that he is robbing me of my only sister - the only other person in the world who can share this intimate grief with me. But... I do have family - I have a wonderful husband who supports me, prays for me and loves me, two adult sons-both are married and a grandson on the way as I write this. So much to be grateful for, BUT I’m overwhelmed and paralyzed with pain, heartache and grief and I’m barely able to focus on the blessings I have. I feel like I am failing them and myself.
What helps? Wine. What doesn’t help? Wine. I drink too much.

((((((hugs)))))) lu. It is something to be thankful for.

This Memorial Day,i'm thinking of my parents feeling thankful they didn't have to go through the Pandemic.
Both of them had grown up during the Depression and my Father contracted polio as a child &.they had suffered way enough.
I pray they are together and I get to be with them again one day.
I loved them so much.
I was so blessed to have them~

Also had to finish " the book" I wrote. My Father was absolutely devastated when my daughter passed in 2000. She was 6 days old. I feel they r together in heaven with my 2nd Mom, my Aunt (Dads sister). But I really didnt have time to grieve My Father n Sept of this last yr, I was Caregiver (7 yrs)to my Mom(& Dad) now since she broke malleuos an distal end of 5th metatarsal, nondisplaced, in Dads Hospice rm 5 days b4 he passed. What bad luck rt? I feel I have been cursed last 3 yrs for reasons I do not share. It isnt marital. Nor cruelty to anyone. Wierd bad luck. Wrecks. Nothing going smooth. Me , finding out at top rated Rehab here n our town actually catching nurses n act of not giving scheduled meds to MY MOTHER AN TAKING PICS of this for proof, 5x's. YES, u as P.O.A. have rt to look at med cart an check on meds. I took pic to scare for I was to mentally tired, an beyond caregiver burnout to point of Compassion Fatigue that I just scared them. Should have called H.H.S. an St. Nursing Board. But I didn't. I did file grievance against nurses. In writing. Mom was tired an grieving Dad since Sept 17th when she fell, Bing non-compliant, an getting up an walking with walker over a Non-ADA threshold Im sure of it (I want to take owner to court for the negligence of my Father in Hospice care I witnessed an under video, an the non-ADA surfaces n group home an things said over phone an in-services told that would b done 4 diabetes shots an sugar checks. Never got done. Never rolled Dad properly, I had to help staff roll my Father an chg diapers after payin 500$ deposit an 4400$ for ALL of Sept an promised refund if he did not live all of Sept due to money issues an for my Mom. Lies. All of it.)& resulting falling an trying to grab french door not locked to catch herself, went on to break ankle. Ambulance. 2 days at our big hospital then on to rehab HOSPITAL so she would get her 3 midnights so Medicare would pay. ALWAYS CHECK ON ADMITTANCE. IF, " OBSERVATION" THAT MEANS MEDICARE WONT PAY AN 2 MIDNIGHTS ONLY. " PT ADMITT" MEANS MORE THAN 2 MIDNIGHTS, AN MEDICARE WILL PAY. GET MORE THAN 2 MIDNIGHTS. I had to beg an start crying an told admit Dr what was going on. My Dad on hospice an Mom broke ankle here n hospital now. Mom couldn't afford a big ol bill fr Medicare. So after 5 days Dad got bad. Hospice told me 12-24hrs. Told Dad everything I needed to an my Sons. An ran to discharge Mom. They knew the story. Husband meets me. I get phone call fr front desk. Dad had passed shortly after I left. I had 2 tell my Mother, married 63 yrs, that her husband died an she wasnt there. Do u know how traumatizing that was to both? I mean the bad luck Im speaking about. Its not just thst. It goes on an on an on an on...i hold my head down know...Mom went to live with sibling. Had extra rooms etc... im drivin an hr away to set her up with new dr's n another State. Not easy at all. An sib works full time an hired caregiver. An I have gen axiety disorder, depression, ADD (dx in Dec 2018) & Compassion Fatigue an I see whats not getting done an Im n OR WAS n med field!!! R u SERIOUS. Is this my payment?? Or my mental state? Or agony/anxiety? Or God saying" REST NOW, YOU HAVE DONE ALL YOU CAN" i had anxiety attack last wk just going to sibs an seeing things. Nothing really bad. Just me. I had to leave. I have to go back Wed(16th) & 20th to get Mom into new M.D. cause sib works full time. My Fam n mean time since I quit back in 2010, is flat broke now. Serious. No $ coming in until im able to work. Jobs r open @ our big ol hospital but Im SIIICCKKK of med field now. So sib expects me to take 2 dr appts until Mar 10th. IS 7 yrs not enough? The traumas, the marriage probs, the financial probs, ignoring my fam? My fault I know but what else 2 do when parents have no money? But enough 2 feed, shelter but no caregiver? We will b broke by then. If husband doesnt get a "job" carpenter/contractor by then. But mis my Momma. I call her everday. Depressed.

Im not doing well. Period. As a child I would cry myself 2 sleep thinkin of day my parent's die. Wierd I know. Im adopted. So is my sister. 4 yrs older. But she took the " im feel abandoned " role. Not me. I took the please every1 role an I felt like an old soul. I liked being around elderly fam. N developed a bond with many elderly n our fam. My sister did not. She felt attached 2 " items" that were old. Not humans. Of coarse I go n2 med field. I became surg assist. N TRIED nursing. I couldn't take the nursing homes we were assigned. Paperwork over came the pt. I couldn't do it. Crying, I called my director an quit nursing program stating " My pt's became part of me or fam, I can't chose paperwork or admin over REAL HUMANS who have a story 2 tell or who R important!" I QUIT! Yes, I quit. I didnt care I made 25$ an hr or more or whatever. I felt an have been told I know more or can C thrue my Empathic ability than most nurses. Yes, it sounds wierd. But, i know 70% when some1 lies, I feel other's pain as my own esp my parent's. Ive headed off health disaster's with my parent's or as I call it traumas. But last 3 yrs. I couldn't head them off. They followed. As if I was cursed. Im married. 2 son's now,22 an 17. My parent's watched them as babies while I worked part time @ a hospital n surgery as surg assist. Ortho an ENT . Eventually I became stay @ home Mom. Son' s kept getting sick, strepp, flu etc.. husband bread winner so we decided I stay @ home. I was able to afford lux of picking up kids etc. ..what I didn't know was dark times ahead 4 me an fam. 3 yrs later Dad got extremely ill. 2 mnths n hospital. I became CAREGIVER 2 my parents. Neither drove after that. As yrs went by I had so many traumas. Selling their " home" alone without sibling help. They, parents, had moved 2
a " independent living facility ". Bad mistake. Took their $, breached contract so many times, Me, arguing with manager etc....smoking n facility allowed rt next door.. Smoke n parents rm through plugins! Mom dx with Pulmonary Fibrosis in 2016. 3 mnths after move n. Tried 2 get diff room but no way. Even finding out neighbor, who smoked like a freight train n was caught asleep with lit cigg, was a child molester! Skipped back ground check! n I had a 11 yr old son n a 15 yr old son coming 2 my parents apartment @ this facility. Finally, a bottom appt opened. Move #3. No smoke then. But parent's getting worse esp Dad. This is 2017. After 2 rehab n hospital stay for Dad he was put on Hospice with a certain home health. A bunch of B.S., all they wanted was money n suddenly discharged him n 4 mnths. With only 10 day notice! All over me , seeing nurses doing wrong, med mg's wrong, etc..... so had 2 scramble 2 get regular Dr's back like b4 Hospice. Nightmare. Another Trauma. Finally moved out of nasty indpt living facility that took 3500$ a mnth, Clairmont in Tx, no reg cleaning etc..n contract..moved parent's 2 a handicapp appt n nice appt building an safe neighborhood. I should have done that 2 begin with. 2018, July. Dad continued dwn. Mom tired of Dad spiral down. I tried2b there as much as poss. Home health . Even 2 give me a break, caregiver 9am-1pm. At 19$ an hr. Joke. Did give 1 bath though. Dad 230lbs. He became unable 2 stand n Aug 2019. Never did again. I had 2 make the decision of hospice again. Im 50. This time it was 4 real. No scam. Sibling didnt help n decision but was acting like I forced this or tryin to kill Dad. No. Trying 2 ease his pain he had had for yrs. I talked 2 him as caregiver ,unfortunately, not daughter, as that is how I was seen by then, & he said he wanted pain relief. I knew fr med field what this meant @ this stage. So it began. Unfortunately What I thought was a good group home (reg house but 4 rooms 4 nursing care)& it was not. Untrained staff. Lies told 2 me. N Dad lived 15 days on hospice. Sept 22nd, 2019. Mom fell n Dads rm brk ankle. She n I not there 4 passing. It haunts. She moved n with Sib. im sad. Dec29th.

It's been difficult. Lots of loss. Lost mom 2 1/2 years ago. Younger brother (64 years old) passed 7 months ago. Dad passed 2009, grandma died years ago, best friend died a few years ago. I had to forgo my small business a couple of years ago to continue care giving for mom and brother and this has been another loss. Intense care giving has occurred the last 6 years. I am in post care giving phase and transitioning into rebuilding my life. Hardest thing no longer having the family that has always been there. Even though I have been independent and always had my own life I was the go to person in the family for help. There are a few long time friends still around and I am grateful. But I feel a major void because I was very close to my mom. I could always call her and we would talk. Despite tensions at times that are part of a close mother-daughter relationship I miss her. I chose not to marry or have kids and I do not regret this. There's my little dog, He's getting older but is still in good health. My creative work sustains me and I am venturing into new areas. I am slowly beginning to rebuild my life. Some days are better than others. Feelings of loneliness are painful. I am trying to deal with this. While not religious I have always had a spiritual side. But the intense care giving has altered this part of my life. This too has changed and I am just beginning to see where I might be with it. I know I am not the only one going through all this and just wanted to reach out to others who might understand.

So many times,I have listened to that song Send,remembering the way we were . Thanks for posting it and reminding me of it because it always comforts me.

The Way We Were
Barbra Streisand
Memories light the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories of the way we were
Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another for the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then
Or has time rewritten every line
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we?
Could we?
Memories may be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So it's the laughter we will remember
Whenever we remember
The way we were
The way we were
Source: LyricFind

Happy Birthday Lucklu.🎂🎁🎈

Happy birthday 🎈 Lu

wishing you pancakes 🥞 and bacon 🥓 and hot cocoa for breakfast