A day later and mom's agitation hasn’t improved. Nurse given meds for it - still no improvement. She became very violent with me last night and I had to call my brother and the nurse. She tried to hit me, cussed me, told me she hated me. It was awful. My brother arrived and she’s sitting on patio. She begins screaming at him. She’s out of it, really. Between the cancer progression and meds - her mind is gone. Nurse arrived and administered some meds for the anxiety and agitation and we finally were able to get her back in bed. I fell Asleep couple hours later- I’m literally exhausted. Woke up this morning- she’s in bed but could tell she had gotton out of bed and her chest drawers were emptied from her pulling all her pjs out of it. Agitation is even worse when she does wake up. Nurse came again and gave her meds. At this point I told The nurse I cannot Watch her 24/7 and as bad as I hated To even think about it we needed to talk about a hospice facility or nursing home. As of now nurse is gathering things needed for this move. I just Don’t know what else to do. The guilt is killing me and not sure I can Live with it after promising her I’d not do it. But at the time months ago- I had No idea how bad things were gonna get. I’m just asking for everyone to send good vibes and if you pray please send up some prayers
thank you
Your mother needs full time care at this point which is much more than you can or ever could provide her. You will still be her primary caregiver but with a staff to deal with the day to day care. You will be her advocate to be sure she gets the care she needs. You will also be free to be her daughter again. You mother may not understand and be angry, unfortunately there is nothing you can do about her feelings; all you can do is try to be understanding of her physical and mental state and safe from her trying to do you harm.
I pray that you and your family are blessed with grace, peace and love during this most difficult time in your lives. Please remember to take some time to take care of yourself.
This past year, she had 3 falls that required her to spend time in nursing homes for PT. When she came home, we had to make alot of adjustments and she has often said to me, "If it becomes too much, please put me in nursing home and don't feel bad or guilty." Fortunately, my mom is still pretty lucid, so she was able to verbalize this to me.
If your mom was still lucid she would probably say the same thing seeing what you and your brother are going through. I'm sure she wouldn't hold any bad feelings and there is nothing to feel guilty about. You have done what you can and she needs to be someplace where they are better equipped to deal with it. Prayers to you.
Compare it to taking wedding vows where we promise to love honor & cherish until death us do part. Or until Junior starts going berserk, getting drunk and giving us a black eye every weekend. Then the marriage vows HAVE to be broken so we don't get murdered one night in a drunken rage. Yet we wouldn't feel 'guilty' about breaking our promise then, would we?
Stop holding yourself to a passing promise you made years ago before the ravages of old age & disease set in to change your mother into another person entirely. You can't manage her care at home anymore, and if you try, YOU may be the one who's hospitalized as a result. We often read about the elder outliving the child b/c of the stress we've taken on to try to care for them.
You're doing the right thing for your mother who's relying on you TO keep her safe and out of pain. It's the only thing you CAN do at this point. So good luck and Godspeed, and remove the word 'guilt' from your vocabulary and replace it with 'grief' because in reality, that's what you're feeling now. Sending you a big hug and a whole bunch of prayers for a smooth transition for mom and some blessed peace for you. You deserve it.
A Hospice Social Worker or the nurse that is coming should be able to "fast track" your mom in to a Skilled Nursing Facility. Either place getting pain, anxiety under control is important.
Hang in there. 🙏🙏