I have so much anger and impatience dealing with my mother's dementia. I need help.

IT's very interesting some people's frustration with handling someone with dementia. It takes a very humble attitude to deal with this. The person with it does NOT understand what they are doing...and that's the key.

I'm fortunate enough to be here for my mother suffering with dementia. She had very low self-esteem as a young woman, befriended just about everyone she met and tried to give us the best life she could.

But she never got over my dad divorcing her.

When my brother died, I started noticing signs then but I had no idea what dementia was, let alone even how to check for something of that nature.

It was when my dad died that it became apparent that there was really something wrong in her responses.

One day my sister came up from NC with her daughters and we went to McDonald's to buy my mom something sweet. When my niece's husband came in with the shake, my mother got very upset yelling: "I ain't ask for this! I always get the big one! I don't want this thing!"

Eventually, the noise made behind that made her burst into tears and she stayed emotional until she got a bigger one. I knew then something wasn't right.

Recently, I have had to turn down a higher paying job...this after going through a divorce myself, and my single life is on halt. I watch her anywhere from 12-14 hours a day, cooking all her meals for her, cleaning the bathroom behind her all day and constantly being on alert that once I drop her off, I may have to stop what I'm doing to retrieve her from her walking voyages she took all the time and still does.

I could be selfish and say I no longer have a life...but I do. It's looking after my mom just like she did me for so many years.

Maybe I don't have a beautiful woman in my life to look after me, to rub my back when it hurts from all the work I do, not being able to even pay some bills I need to because of not being able to pull another job...or whatever freedoms I've lost...and this is where many people get frustrated.

It's a VERY hard thing to except to think you no longer have the freedoms you worked so hard for in life.

Imagine how they felt when you were born...it was a 16-18 year sentence of love that got you here and on your feet.

Maybe things will get better...maybe not. But as long as I have a breath in me, she needs me now. I have siblings who don't help much at all and can't because the temperament they display would concern me. So since I'm the only one, so be it.

Maybe God knows I'm the one he choose for this assignment until he gives me something different. I'll survive.

I do apolagize I went into to much there.I do agree with your comment though.I didnt know at the time when she accused me of taking her money that it was a part of dementia or at least a common thing that happens.I do know that now however.Me and my husband are in the process of moving.Yes there is a lot of history between me and her.Its just very frustrating and sad that it has to be this way.But im at my wits end so be it i guess.I told her that im sorry you feel the way you do but im not going to engage anymore with it.Its not worth it.I tried.

Ciao, I have to agree with Jeanne. There is clearly too much history with this woman for you to be an effective and compassionate caregiver for her.

ciaobaby, it is very clear that you have absolutely no concept of how to deal with an old woman with dementia. Her son has even less of a concept. Accusing people of stealing is a very common symptom of the disease -- it is not an indication that she is evil. If she was narcissistic to start with her outrageous behavior is to be expected.

Does that mean you have to put up with it? Certainly not. Figure out how you and your husband can move and do it as soon as possible. Before you go, call APS, tell them that Grandmother is a vulnerable adult with dementia, she needs help, but you cannot provide it and you are moving.

I,m now worried what kind of is gonna happen now.I told her though that we,re done your son can take it from here.He hasnt done anything for her since i,ve been out here.In fact he disowned all of us twice didnt see or hear from him for a couple of years and one day poof hes back.Her son was pissed as hell when me and my husband moved out here.My mom was very adament about him not having anything to do with this property .Mom thought she was in control but grandma somehow made sure that she had total control over all of it.I know that my grandmother did not give me all that I was suppose to get a good part she gave to him.In fact she wouldnt even put loving mother on my moms headstone just beloved daughter.Because the control freak she is she had made my mom get a divorce and then demanded custody of me.This woman all my life has always threw it in my face that she took care of me because my mom didnt want me.Dementia or not this old woman is evil and i just hope we can get moved before something else happens.I do apologize if I come off a b^tch im not proud of how i have handled some things but she knows the buttons to push

Ive been looking after my grandmother who was diagnosed with early onset dementia last year.Me and her live on the same property but in seperate homes.Ive been living out here since my mom passed away in 2004 from cancer.To say the least its been very very trying.My grandmother is a bit of a narcissit always has been.She does not respect bounderies and thinks that because we live on the same property she is entitled to be in my personal bussiness as well as my husbands.She has stolen our mail she opens our mail she constantly is telling other family members lies about me and my husband.Last Nov she had asked me to help her clean out her freezer.This is a large standing upright freezer that is packed full.I should also mention she is a hoarder.Me and her went through all the stuff in the freezer most of it had to be thrown out.Apparently she was also keeping money in there which once the job was done I got accussed of taking it.To say the least this turned out to be a fiasco.She had called her son and told him that I had stolen the money.He comes out here tries to force his way into my home screaming at me "why did i take her money"Why did I want to clean out her freezer""You better give it back you little fucking bitch"Im in a bit of shock cause this is just off the hook.Me and him ended up in a physical fight over this.My grandmother then joins in ts and slaps me in the face saying your going to jail.So now Im in panic mode.Ive never been in trouble with the police my husband was out of town for work and i was just grabbed by the throat and thrown to the ground and kicked by her son only to get up and get slapped by her.So I just left and went to a friends house.The money was found in her in house in front of the police thank god.They dropped the charges but the state picked it up and I ended up paying $200.00 for a anger management class on a disorderly conduct charge.My grandmothers son called to have adult protective services come out to investigate for elder abuse.They found no signs of any kind of abuse and the case was closed.So it was after this incident that she was diagnosed with dementia.She has been making more and more accusations of theft.Things like battery charger she was convinced my husband took it.He finds it in her house on a shelf with some other tools.She was convinced he stole her hand truck he goes out to her shed and there it is shows her and then she thinks that he hid it and then brought back to make her look crazy.Shes accussed both of us of stealing her dollhouse kits and swears she has dolls missing and we took these items and sold them to the mexicans.She has a 1500 sq ft building that is packed floor to ceiling there is only a little path to get through.She collects Barbies she has something like close to 10.000 of them they are all packed up in boxes and stacked.Her son is also convinced of this as well.But he goes along with whatever she says right or wrong.She denies that we have given her money at times she denies that we have done anything at all to help her.It is absolutely infuriating.This last weekend Oct2 was her birthday me and my husband and a cousin with her family came down and we all took her out to lunch everything was good and fine.Next day not so good and fine.I was taking her to go and pay her bills and take her gorcery shopping.She started in with her bull about how my husband hasnt done anything around the property.Which i retorted you just hold up there a minute dont you start .She then proceeds to tell me a thing or two and she has her finger right in my face just going off.I slapped her hand away and then all hell broke loose.She starts hitting me in the face while im driving yelling that you stop this car and ill drive you can walk home you ungrateful bitch.She has demacular degeneration she cant drive but oh yeah we,re going back home.We get back I get out to unlock the gate she takes the keys and gets in to drive she threw my purse out which everything in it scatters calls me a bitch again.I tell you think your gonna take off ill call the cops and have you stopped old woman.She ended up just driving the car in to the property.So then yeah im pissed and not being very nice I asked just what the hell did i do to you she replies just what i thought you did but you didnt.She is referring to the previous incident.See somehow someway im still guilty even though im not.Because of that incident i want nothing to do with her son peroid.I never got an apology from either one of them they seem to think that i should let bygones be bygones.I dont think so at least not with him.So basically her little outburst was because her son wasnt invited to go to lunch with us.Which I never said he couldnt come but i heard her talking on the phone to him and she told him no that shed hear about it later.She scartched up my face pretty good in the struggle i grabbed her arms to make her stop and i scratched her arm pretty good when she tried to break free.

I can totally relate and I am also a nurse. While I have patience for my patients I have none whatsoever for my mother. She is 94 and like the Energizer Bunny with no end in sight! While she is still capable of doing her ADLs she can't lift a finger to do anything else. Instead she expects to be waited on hand and foot. I probably have done too much for her all these years (20+++) and now it is impossible to ask for help because she can't hear anything nor does she understand. I have always been there for her and therefore missed my opportunity to marry have children and my own life. I am paying the price because she expects me to take care of her until she dies! Well, at this rate that could be another 16 years!! I also have 2 siblings but they cannot be inconvenienced.

I understand your anger, MommyGaGa. Choices parents made earlier in life can put a monkey wrench in our own lives. It can be a challenge to work through it. From what you write, there is nothing holding your mother in NJ now beyond familiarity. That may soon become more hazy, since she has dementia. I think your idea of moving her closer to you is a good one.

Something many of us grapple with is trying to come to terms with what is going on in the mind of someone with dementia. Learning more about dementia may help you there. People with dementia often become obsessed with certain things. It is strange that often they lose memory for many recent things, but not for the obsession. We have to find ways to cope with the obsessions. Will you be able to find your mother a good geriatric doctor who understands dementia? That will be a big help.

Try not to be angry with your mother. That is easy for me to say, but I know it is so hard to do. We are only human and some of the things they do can add so much stress. People with dementia don't learn very well, though, so we have to learn things that work. For example, would your mother accept that your father is away at a meeting, so not available to answer her calls? We each know our parent best and can figure out ways to calm and distract them. There are also some medications that may help if they are needed.

So sorry that you are having to get on the dementia train with us. I am so grateful for the people here, because they know what we go through. It helps so much to have a safe place to vent and get some suggestions.

If she needs another level of care, MommyGaGa, then it seems reasonable to me to move her into a care center close to you. That would make some things easier for you.

Holding on to all that anger can't be doing you any good. Ten years ago she chose to live near your sister. That might have worked splendidly, except Dad got cancer and so did Sis. Not Mom's Fault. Not Your Fault. Sad? absolutely. Worth holding anger over for 10 days, let alone 10 years? Umm ... I really can't see it. For your sake, let it go.

Mom has dementia. Not Her Fault. She doesn't operate in the reality where her husband is dead. She doesn't react appropriately to normal clues about time -- either time of day or time of century. She is obsessed with her late husband. All of this is Not Her Fault.

It is appropriate to be angry at the dementia. But she did not sign up for that just because she chose to live in New Jersey. Frustration at her I understand. Anger? That is a little harder for me to grasp.

I hope you can now bring her closer to you. That would help. I suspect what would help at least as much is getting to a calm acceptance of her disease yourself, and perhaps learning about it to know what to expect. I suggest finding a support group for caregivers of persons with dementia. Or if group meetings aren't your thing, consider a few sessions with a therapist who can help you sort through your anger. You deserve all the help you can find -- caring for someone who has dementia is extremely challenging.

20 years ago I applied for my Mom and Dad to live in a senior facility one block away from me in Queens. She opted instead to live near my sister in New Jersey. After they moved there my Dad got diagnosed with lung cancer. Sadly in 2004 my sister was also diagnosed with lung cancer and suddenly passed away. One year later my Dad refused further treatment and passed away. My sisters husband moved into the same facility and offers no assistance to my Mom .... Barely even acknowledging her. Now My Mom is 92 and has dementia. away from me. We have an aide coming in five days a week for two hours to bathe, clean and give her a hot meal for lunch. My husband and I travel 40 miles every Saturday to check her mail and stock up her refrigerator. I have control of her finances (durable POA) and pay all of her bills. I have been doing so for two years now. She has been sleeping a lot lately. I believe she has the Sundown Syndrome...when she wakes up from her naps on her chair she usually calls me at all hours....she just called and said that my father has a girlfriend who lives down the hall. I told her he is dead for almost 10 years. She doesn't think about anyone but him. I get very angry with her.....my husband has a lot more patience than I do. I think my anger really stems from the fact that I wanted her in Queens and she chose New Jersey....now the burden is on me and my husband. We are both in our 70's and really don't need this. I believe it might be time to put her in a home. Looking after her is worse than a child. I am totally frustrated. I had to take her phone book away from her because she is so obsessed with my father that she was calling a phone number we had 60 years ago at all hours.

Thanks Jeanne and Captain. You did put things in perspective. That's why I am so happy to have the support. It's funny how the "small stuff" really can seem so big at the time, but then when you give it some thought, it's really nothing at all. Thank you both! {{{{HUGS}}}}

Wow, Roxanne, you've found something that keeps your mother happily occupied for 2/3 an hour every day. Congratulations! Hug her for doing such a good job and helping so well. Brag about it to company, in her presence.

I hope that your mother is paying room and board and/or for care. (Having a formal written agreement for this is a good idea.) Consider the extra water costs as being paid for by her, if it makes you feel better about it.

It is funny what particular things jerk our chains, isn't it? Here you have gone and built on to your house in order to accommodate your demented mother. You spend hours a day ensuring that she is safe, and as content as possible. You took her out of nursing home to provide the care yourself. She is infringing on your privacy and on your ability to be spontaneous. And what drives you to distraction? That she uses a lot of water washing dishes! Ya gotta laugh, right?

As captain suggests, try to find a way to minimize the water usage. Think about it as something she is paying for, or that you are willing to pay for as part of her therapy. Don't sweat the small stuff. (Compared to building an addition to your house, and compared to the tangles and plaques building up in her brain, running water is small stuff.)

Roxanne I hope this doesn't sound like criticism. You feel what you feel and there is no need to feel any guilt over it. I'm just offering another perspective, in hopes it may lessen your frustration.

Bless you for caring for a woman who really needs your care!

get a watersaver aerator for the kitchen sink. solutions, dammit, solutions..

roxanne,
guilt comes with the territory and its just devastating. there are no do overs on this so do a job you can look back and feel good about. my mom has been gone for 6 months and when i look back i see mistakes but i see a sob learning on the job too. i got respite so i could attend an alz seminar, never regretted it cause it made me realize my problems were in no way unique but well documented and shared by many. i think your best medical / caregiving advice comes from the uk as they dont have the medicine for profit motive and the info is clean and simply worded.

Oh my gosh...seeing this discussion couldn't have come at a better time for me. I'm feeling frustrated with Mom and guilty that I feel this way. Just a few minutes ago, she finished "doing the dishes" after only 40 MINUTES! Almost the entire time, she runs the water, which is driving me crazy. Our water bill is through the roof with her "helping". I don't want to take this away from her, as she loves doing the dishes, but my water bill is astronomical and my sanity is fading. I am at a loss as to how to deal with the situation. So much has been taken from her...I feel that I've lost so much, too. I know that when she's no longer with us, I'll be so grateful for this time, but, right now, I'm feeling impatient, frustrated, and just sad that I am feeling this way.

dam, i haveta agree with jeannes extensive opinion on this subject. it is indeed enough to fry your mind but the more you learn about dementia the more you anticipate whats coming and the stronger you become. during my mothers last 6-8 months theres nothing she could do that would upset me. i saw only a sad mental image of a brain that was significantly shrinking and shorting out. i was asked by hospice during our worst times how " i " was doing? i told em " fine, because i read. ( beotches, lol ) information is power..

senior care is definitely a huge issue that needs innovative solutions. One of the most exciting that I've seen is GeriJoy. that takes the form of a lovable and intelligent talking pet inside an Android tablet. It provides the emotional benefits of virtual pet therapy, and it also serves as an avatar for GeriJoy’s staff, who provide live conversational responses. What do you think guys? Feel free to give your reactions. Here is the link http://www.gerijoy.com/

Thanks jeannegibbs for your comment. I was really mad when I wrote that yesterday... so I wasn't totally making sense there :)

I think you are right and that I will feel better about taking more of a role in her life. After seeing her through cancer and going to all her appointments and chemo sessions I think people came to expect and rely on me to look after my mom. By people I mean my brother, my uncle and my Grandpa.

And I didn't mind, but after her cancer her brain just seemed to go to mush. And dealing with her since has been extremely frustrating. Like other people have said here, it is like dealing with a child who doesn't remember what you tell them, and who can't learn how to do things.

When she got sick with cancer I had to reorganize her finances and have my grandpa help with her financially. My Grandpa is in his nineties and is in denial about her dementia, he doesn't think anything is wrong. And he is suspicious of me when I ask him for money on her behalf because he thinks SHE will ask if she needs money. But she never does because guess what she has dementia !!!!!!! And when he does ask her directly if she needs money she says she doesn't need any. We have been working with my uncle to set up an automated deposit so hopefully this will improve things.

I do all her banking on line (just in case my Grandpa wants to see a paper trail of where the money is going I can print an on line statement). My brother and I also have POA.

I want to hire her extra help but that means asking for extra financial help from my Grandpa. I have seen a social worker about my mom and it seems like my mom put on a good show for them or was having a "good" day on the day we saw them. But that's besides the point.

I really doubt my mom will accept strangers into her home which is why I want to hire someone privately. From what I understand publicly hired nurses will come to visit my mom but unlike private it won't be the same person coming to her home each time.

I guess I could at least try to go the public route at least. Maybe it is better than not trying. My brother and I are meeting with a nurse that is going to reassess her next week.

My mom is saying and doing really cooky things, her friends call me to tell me she says she doesn't know she has a grandson and she thinks I 'm a banker. Which I am definitely not lol. She said the other day there were little kids in her apartment but she had to go and run an errand and they were gone when she got back. It is really strange as she doesn't know any little kids.

She speaks about my brother and I to her friends as though we are just her friends and not her kids. On her birthday she looked at me and asked me when my birthday was and when I told her she said to me "that's my daughters birthday" . She has been walking over to my place in the dark every day this week thinking we have plans when we don't. I get so mad sometimes I have to just get off the phone. It is so frustrating listening to her. I can often snap at her , she only seems to "get it" when I get mad .....for example I had to tell her "MOM, you cannot walk in the dark you could get lost and die in the cold" stuff like that. Then afterwards i feel bad, I just feel like I don't have the patience or personality to deal with this. And sometimes I think she's better off not talking to me because I get so frustrated with her.

Anyways I just needed to vent.

It is so frustrating because it is such an uphill climb I don't even know where to begin. Thanks for your support jeannegibbs it is nice talking to people that understand what I'm going through. You're right I need to take more of a role and hopefully I'll feel better and she will have better care as a result

momsgotdementia, I am very sorry that your mother has dementia at such a young age. I am even sorrier that she wasn't there for you while you were growing up.

I think you will feel better about yourself if you take some role in seeing that she has good care. That DOES NOT HAVE TO BE PROVIDED BY YOU PERSONALLY. You do not have to check on her daily. If she needs daily care, work through an appropriate government or private agency to see that it is arranged. I don't know who "everyone else" is who expects you to be there for her. You can be certain that MANY people do not expect that of a child who was neglected or abused.

Everyone does not expect you to check on her everyday.

What angers me about my mom's dementia is that she wasn't there for me when I was growing up, and now she and everyone else expects I'm going to be there for her now.

I helped her through cancer and took her to all her appointments when I could. i checked on her every day. then I got pregnant, and now I have my baby and most days i hardly make it out of the house. When i have free time the LAST thing I want to do is check on my mom. I feel like it doesn't make a difference and I can't handle her constant cleaning and obsession with vaccumming.

I feel like because I'm her daughter everyone expects me to check on her every day. I can't handle checking on her, sometimes she doesn't know she ha a grandson and it angers me. It makes me feel insignificant like how i did when i was growing up. she's like some crazy old demented woman who used to be my mom. I feel like I'm a terrible person for feeling this way. She's only 67. And her dementia is rapidly taking over.

Thanks to everyone for all your comments and advice. I am still struggling with my mom's dementia but I am now trying to "let go" and let her do her thing. If she wants to eat fish sticks every night for a week , I try to ignore it and let it go. We had a really sad moment on Christmas Eve when she could not remember buying us gifts. I knew that she did but I didn't know where they were. She found them eventually but not before sitting on her bed and crying and not understanding why she could not remember. I think that was the moment I needed for it to finally break through to me that it must be just as frustrating to her as me. She also asked if I was going to dye eggs !! That made me laugh :) , then I asked her why I would dye eggs for Christmas and she started laughing too. I have a very crazy sense of humor so that helped. I told my family members about it and we turned it into a new Christmas tradition when my niece dyed some eggs green and red and brought them to Christmas dinner .

Patti,

I am sorry for your challenges, but I do understand. I have been caring for my 86 year old mother for about a year and half now. We do everything we can to keep her active and give her a good life for whatever time we have left. We took her on a cruise in 2012 and planning one more for 2013. My mom is being tested for dementia right now because her behavior changing.

The changing of behavior is really tough on my husband as well, but I try to remember that she is 86 and I have no idea how I will be at that age. I have no children so I won't have anyone to care for me.

My best suggestion is if she takes a nap, take a deep breath or if you can have someone site with her take a couple of hours to yourself. My oldest sister is the only one of my siblings that will attempt to help me. She will sit with mom so I can have some alone time and that might be what you have to considers.

So good luck and just remember to breathe. Also in my book it is acceptable to sit and crying letting the frustration out.

southlover, your weight gain over three years sounds to me like a sign of depression and who wouldn't be depressed in your situation. No one should have to live in the isolation and fear that you are living in. It also sounds like he is using some sort of emotional blackmail on you to make you feel guilty about possibly putting him in a home. I think you are over your head and he needs to be somewhere or else he might out live you. What does your son think about your dad's behavior and what you should do about it?

Patti, just look at my avitar and you will know I understand!

Patti ...... I understand where you are coming from. I'm also dealing with an elderly parent who has refused and still refuses to go through the cognative testing to determine how far along he is regarding his dementia. Within the past 3 or 4 months I have observed his dementia progress. I'm his sole caregiver and I have watched his mind go downhill. You mentioned getting in your car and just driving away. That's a daily daydream that I have. Just leaving .... My Father is a handful, and leaving him to he own devices would be highly irresponsible. Therefore, I have stayed.

I am also seeking outside help to assist me in the adjustment of being a full time caregiver. The VA provides a therapist that I meet with every two weeks. Maybe you can go talk to someone. I have found that extremely helpful.

RaeRae, when you say that your sister will "will get that off her inheritance" how are you ensuring that? Is your mother changing her will to that effect? POA ends with your mother's death and your authorization to manage her money (estate) will end then. (Just so you know.) I hope Mother has made this clear in her will.

It is very possible, though, that with your loving care Mother will live long enough to go through all of her money. Then neither of you will inherit anything (though Sister will already have had a big chunk of early inheritance and you will have nothing.)

If mother does need to apply for Medicaid within the next 5 years, her money that you gave to your sister out of the goodness of your heart (against your mother's wishes, it sounds like) will be considered a gift and will cause penalties.

(Sigh. Maybe this comes under the heading "no good deed goes unpunished.")

Well today I rec'd all outstanding bills to the tune of over $3000 for a sister who never did a thing to help my mom in all these years. She was going to be on the street - being moms POA, I hate the fact that she never helps, calls or anything. But she has no problem telling me as moms POA that since my mom has some money - I will let her be on the street and that I have thrown away her mail to my mother, which I never have. She has mental health issues and has poisoned hatred for me - me who care for her mother and mine. She is so disfunctional and 1800 miles away. Mom did not want to pay her bills - but I was the target for her hatred. I paid the bills to keep her off the streets which pays down her money but I assure you being Mom's POA - she will get that off her inheritance. I also reminded her to get her act together by not expecting her drinking with taking meds and spending foolishly so someone else has to pick up the tab. I have even faxed her mental health prof. to express concern of her drinking on meds. Police in her town told me they have a nuscience file on her and she has been shut off from 2 liquor stores in the town. I will not enable her again but this cry for help was not taken care of by me without the bills and current act. info. She thinks Mom wants her to pay her failures off - NOT. Out of the goodness of my heart - I did it. I also wrote her copies of pymtsl and advised her and her son to get a job even min. wage to helping her with her rent. MacDonalds takes anyone. Walmart same. I am tired of hearing there are no jobs. Min. wage is better than nothing. She expects this help and I cannot work since I have to take care of mom and my husband stage 4. With my sister getting svs for disability, low energy, and until July she got paid for a son under 18. Now he is well and old enough to contribute but not working and she is still looking forward to more help. Because mom has more than $2000 in the bank, Medicare will not pay me to care for her. If those parents who are being cared for have less than $2000 in the bank - call SSI and they will pay the caregiver $2000 to care for her at home. I am not able to get this but if I paid down her money - which is not my nature to screw the public or agencies - I would be getting payment for both my husband and my mother. When my moms money is gone and ours is also - I will consider it - it just sucks that I could make a hell of a lot more money to work and have them in a home for others to pay. We need respite caregivers who charge a reasonable price. I personally need a maid for the heavy work twice a month. I am starting to realize my limits and it will come from her acct. Not one sister came to visit or help while we were up North - where I had 24/7 alone with demential and a fractured back. They deserve nothing ever! But that is not the way the will is set up. I am frugle with my moms money - my mindset is starting to change on my behalf. She has to live somewhere - so why not subsidize my expenses. If I feel like I am going to lose it - I WILL CALL NANNY GRANNY and have them come over for her since my husband has enough on his plate but is independent. Every day we hold our breath for another metastatic cancer come back. 18 years of every three years of mets. with surg or chemo or both. Now last 3 years of moms demential and fx back which I just finally got a micro surgeon to fix and she is out of pain. Two other doctors said to leave her be at her age. Just like I was told 18 months with my husband until I took hold of his care - moved for the best liver surgeon since it was expected to go to next and it did - now after 9 surg. 4 chemos 1 radiation and hip replacements - he is miserable and has new lab results to warrent abd. Ultrasound instead of a PET scan because of Obama Care in reality. I will play the ins. game and pay a huge $700 co pay and delete our finances also for the eventual PET scan next.. Jan will be a new financial out of pocket copay if chemo is nec - thus losing most of our small savings again. This caretaking for two is an expensive endeavor. I guess we will soon be broke and be a burden on Medicaid at some point - where many dr will not see you. That is how the truthfull and honest people loose everything and one of those 47% that Romney did not care about. Worked our whole lives until no longer able and still took nothing - losing our capital by the visit. Thank you America for makeing us broke when you spend billions on other countries needs. At least you know now that if you have meet that less than two thousand dollars - you should call medicare to get paid two thousand a month for payment of those you care for - I just found out about this - so don't waste any time - there were years we had no money coming in at all before my husband qualified for SSDI since health ins. never qualifies for 2 years and we owned two old cars and not qualified for medicaid either. I hate this lack of assistance to those honest hard working people their whole life. I am 60 and my husband 68 having done it all alone. Don't be that foolish - call SS for your two thousand a month if parent is broke. YOU deserve it. God Bless - RaeRae

You know, the "tricks" aren't always going to work. Some of us need more direction? There are so many Dr's. out there that turn a blind eye to "The Patient"!!! I get sick of hearing,"the Dr. doesn't think we need this", or His/Her Dr. wants to perscribe that"??? Lets face it ...sometimes they just don't care! All they want is to get you out as quickly as possible, with a minimum of fuss! At least that's what is seems like to me. Godbless the Dr's. who really do care about the people they treat, Thank you for having empathy for them and the caregivers who take on the roll of companion for their loved ones. We need more out there like this!! Merry Chrismas Everyone ;)

Wow, I've received so much good advice from reading these posts! As someone who is 1 1/2 years into full-time caregiving for 103-yr-old grandmother with full-on, progressed dementia, and 74-yr-old father with limited dementia, I can tell you that you will learn lots of tricks to deal with each unique situation and the more "tricks" you can come up with, the easier things will be. Another general philosophy tip for you that someone else here stated, but I greatly re-emphasize: don't sweat the small stuff. Unless your mom is going to burn down the house or cause some other catastrophe, allowing someone with dementia to just do the crazy stuff they do, and finding the calm and peace within yourself to allow it all to happen around you, is key to not losing your sanity. Best wishes and good luck!

"Untangling Dementia" - I will try to find it. The worst part about this whole scene is that the physicians let these people go along and make decisions that hurt the people they brought into the world.