I’m tired, exhausted, and just too young to endure this… I need to vent.

How awful is this! However, I can relate. Let me encourage you to continue the good that you are doing. God knows and sees all and will not cease to bless you real good. Thank Him that you are not choosing to be selfish and return evil for the good that your mother has done for you. It is not good to be a leper. Your siblings will pay for their wicked deeds. I know it is tough being a one man team. If you can, try to get home care services for your mom. This will help you not to be burned out. The nursing home should be your last resort. The nursing homes cannot be trusted. I wish all humans had money to have private home care services for the elderly. You will have to look for help outside of your siblings. It seems like they just do not care. I can't believe what the one who is a doctor said. My goodness! Their time will surely come. I hope they can endure when it is their time. I have very little empathy for those who are selfish and unkind. Family or not, stay the heck away from me.

You’re wasting a lot of energy in despising your siblings for the choices they’ve made. I hope you’ll give yourself the gift of accepting their choices in level of involvement and move on. It’s akin to you drinking poison and expecting them to die. You’re putting your own health at serious risk trying to keep up the caregiving as you are, I’d bet your mom if healthy would never want or expect this of you

Martyrdom isn't attractive except to the martyr, so I'm not surprised your siblings are staying away.

Sleep deprivation contributed to my dad's death without question. My mom go up every two hours to go to the bathroom, and because she fell once years before, he'd get up and make sure she made it to the bathroom safely. He was a zombie, but otherwise healthy. When he finally got sick, he died in six weeks.

There's a reason why nursing homes have people working in teams. It's to keep them all from destroying their backs like you're doing with your mom. Have you ever ruptured a disc in your back? I have. After the surgery, you cannot lift anything or twist (getting in the car), and you can't sit upright for more than 15 minutes in a two-hour period. That's prescribed for 6-8 weeks, and it took me the full 8 weeks to get back to some semblance of normalcy.

I was 46, fit, and had three kids to deal with, and it still took eight weeks. Thank goodness my kids were old enough to be helpful around the house, and I had neighbors drive them where they needed to go.

It looks like you don't have that level of support, so be thinking about what you'd do when you go down, because it isn't a matter of if, but a matter of when.

You're actually CHOOSING this path. You cannot expect your sibs to have the same sense of CG that you have.

My mom lives with YB. 25 years now and she's 92 and likely will live to 100.

We remaining 4 sibs have had countless talks with YB to simply allow mother to have a CG come in 2-3 times a week to help mom bathe, shop and clean a little. He gets absolutely frantic and will NOT allow anyone to help. I can go visit (after 2 years of not being allowed contact with her) but I cannot clean or help her shop or so ANYTHING. HE comes unglued and shouts at me and it gets ugly.

My other 3 sibs make a monthly visit and that's it. YB is vying for sainthood, I guess. Having mother there is a truly a burden on his whole family, but it's a burden he CHOSE and keeps CHOOSING. Mom can afford help, but he won't allow it.

You cannot put your expectations on your sibs. They have chosen their path and you've chosen yours.

I'm sorry for you, but you've chosen this and it seems to be all on your shoulders. You have options, but you're choosing them. And you have to respect your sibs and let them choose theirs.

We all on this blog have delt with basically the same things dealing with a loved on that is not quite all there anymore. Everyone gets frustrated with the situation. Not being able to communicate with that special person the way we use to and would love to do so again. The condition our loved ones are in unfortunately is not going to get any better. It will help to realize that and ACCEPT WHAT YOU CAN NOT CHANGE. Reality is that 'Hope' it will change is a lot of wasted energy and you'll eventually realize it or it will drive up a wall worrying and thinking about it. Once I over came the 'Shock Factor' of what is happening, and it is a shock to our systems as we've never delt with it before.
It helped me a lot just to realize talking to my wonderful Mother and using REASON AND LOGIC is just not something that's ever going to happen again. Oh, sure she has her moments, but that's all it is, a moment.
I for one will not put my Mother in an assisted living place. Just not going to happen. I'll bring in whatever I need in to allow her to live out her day in her Nest, period. When memory goes the only great thing about it to me is whatever drama that arises day to day --- why should I let it bother me? Mother won't remember what happened in 6 hours much less in the morning. Mom's frustration is in the morning is she still has the emotional feelings and doesn't understand why. So I get her in the car and drive around a while just to get her outside her 'CONFORT ZONE', get her outside in the sun. If I leave her inside all day it get to me normal. That ain't good for her or me. So I get her out, get an ice cream cone. This afternoon I'm taking her to the Dallas Arboretum. She hates not being able to walk without a stroller. Being pushed in a wheel chair she hates worse but once out she is glad to be out. I found a nice cleaning lady that delt with this same situation with her Mother. I pay her to take all day cleaning and talking to Mom while I go play golf. Mom gets upset when I tell her Lorie is coming today. I know what's coming. ----- I don't want her here today. I totally ignore the statement. I'll even leave the room when she starts talking. Got to go to the bathroom Mom. Come back for 15 minutes with some ice cream and hand it to her. Just FYI, I mix little milk with Natural Vanilla Bean Ice Cream soon as she sees it whatever was on her mind goes away. If it doesn't, Oh Mom we'll talk about that later enjoy and I'll leave the room. I have to treat Mom like a 6 year old child sometimes. Don't take this wrong but my sanity is much, MUCH more important to the overall well being of this situation than is my Mothers as I'm the one dealing with it. Besides, she won't remember after ice cream much less tomorrow. --- This is not, how is my Mother coping with what is happening to her for that answer is Badly so what's your point. She won't remember tomorrow. My job is to just keep her frustration and stress levels to a minimum nothing else. If I can do that things run fairly smooth 80% of the time.
I've come to grips with the fact that I can't confide in Mom any longer. Can't ask - don't ask advice like I use to. Don't share what's happening in my daily life with her like I use to for she'll go off into outer space and deliver a retort that leaves me laughing. So I don't go there. You should not either. I've been teaching golf for 45 years. I have so much insight and knowledge on the golf swing I can help anyone get better. The KEY to having that much knowledge is I know what not to say to someone. Same thing applies here.
From the cheap seats,
Dalton

You're not going to like what I have to say but, it needs to be said.
Please stop feeling sorry for yourself and think of your mom. You're not being fair to your mom and she deserves better. I'm sure your siblings agree and that is why they are not helping in this fiasco. She belongs either in memory care or in a nursing facility! These facilities can care for her in a more professional way than you can.
You are choosing to keep her from getting the help she needs for your own selfish reasons. Why in the world do you think you can do a better job than a skilled nursing facility? You sound very into yourself.
I'm not trying to be mean, but you've got to step back and look at the bigger picture!
You keep this up, you'll be losing your job. That's where you're troubles REALLY begin! There is nothing you can do for your mom except find her a better place. You're not trained to be a caregiver. You can't possibly know what is best for her. Your siblings are probably thinking the same thing you are. They can't wait for you to be out of the picture and your mom in a better environment with the help she needs. Your siblings have their own families to think about. Why should they give up every weekend for YOU? You expect them to get on the band wagon on your terms, not theirs. That's not a good way to ask for or accept help.
It's time to get your mom the kind of help she needs so she can be more comfortable.
It's also time to get your head back into your job and stop blaming your siblings for everything. Not everyone is cut out to be caregivers, so don't expect them to be. Being a physician is NOT caregiving.
Best of luck to your mom. What you are doing is not helping your mom. It's holding her back. Please think about this and do what's best for your mom... not you.

You will not be able to keep this up. Kiss your career goodbye. As well as a good paying job. Sure, stay home, care for Mom another 10+ years. You'll be 48. Wonder what your employment prospects will be like then? Hope you like working in retail, 'cause they hire anyone with a pulse. I know, I've done it. Since you'll never put your Mom in a nursing home, honestly, why are you complaining? Why are you complaining about your family? You are willingly taking care of your mother. They seem to be ok with it. What does "the day she transitions" mean? Dies? Cause, as you have stated, she's not going in a nursing home.
Yes, my observations are harsh, mean and not nice. And if BurntCaregiver weighs in here....she's always right. But, honestly, you really need to re-read what you've written. What if your best friend wrote that to you? Time to stop this race to the bottom now. Hang onto your career for dear life. Who has Power of Attorney? Talk to an elder care specialist lawyer. Get more help. Look into assisted care living. Take care of yourself. lealonnie1 is right, care giver mortality is real, don't matter how old you are, quite a few of us die on the job.

So what happens to mom if you die from the stress of all this, lack of sleep, and all the bitterness and anger brewing inside you towards the siblings? She goes right into a nursing home and thrives. So martyring yourself like this serves no useful purpose, when you stop to think about it. Soon you'll lose your job from lack of sleep and the inability to perform it correctly, then What? Threatening to never see your siblings again after mom passes likely won't phase them one way or another, because if they cared about you or their mom, they wouldn't allow this terrible situation to go on a moment longer. But they are.

Your mother may wind up outliving you which is entirely possible. We see it happen here and to stressed out caregivers quite often.

Truth is, you are allowing unfounded guilt to stop you from placing mom where she would get 24/7 care, giving you your life back, putting your anger and resentment in check, and allowing you to be a daughter again instead of a burned out and exhausted caregiver. You took on a role, willingly, that you're not qualified or capable of handling, so both you AND mom are suffering. You are counting down the days till she dies rather than getting her placed into a nursing home where she can live for another 10 years in peace without stressing YOU out one bit. Trust me when I tell you your mom's dementia is not very unique to the trained staff in a nursing home,,,,they've seen it all and dealt with all of it before, even stiff legged residents!

You might want to rethink your entire perspective here, that's my suggestion.

thank you everyone for your words and for taking the time to listen to me. I appreciate all the suggestions and recommendations. Mom never worked in the US before so no retirement benefit but she has Medicare and Medicaid and I was able to get caregiver help. Mom’s type of dementia is very tough. She is quiet and sweet but she is stiff and it’s very hard to get her up, sit her on the toilet or even attempt to put her in bed or lift her legs to change her. She doesn’t have Parkinson’s disease and the neuro said that’s just part of dementia. My back hurts every second because I can’t get her up, put her to toilet or even have her standup without gentle force. She is such a strong yet petite woman. Many times she will grab into a door knob or my and caregiver hands so hard you think her hands r made of steel she won’t let go—mom’s dementia is so unique. None of the caregivers encountered someone so stiff like mom.

"i can put my mom in nursing home, but I can never live with the pain of leaving her there."

You don't want to place Mom because it would make YOU feel bad. What about HER needs? And who said you'd be leaving her there? You wouldn't be walking out the door and never coming back. You could see her every day if you want.

You cannot keep going like this, waking up 3x a night. You can't be a good caregiver when you're exhausted and frustrated. You can't be a good employee at your job when your mind no longer functions properly from sleep deprivation. You're already burning out. I don't know how old your mother is, but could she live another 5, 10, years or more? Can you keep doing this for 10 years?

There are good nursing homes out there. And they can give her the 24/7 care she needs... care that YOU CANNOT GIVE. Placing her does not make you a bad daughter at all. You'd be loving Mom enough to get her the care she needs. While it may be sad for you, you'd be placing those feelings aside for Mom's sake. Putting Mom's needs ahead of yours is selfLESSness, not selfishness!

I guess your siblings figured you'd be the main caretaker because you always lived with Mom. All the others left the nest. Since you chose not to, they've assumed Mom has been your life all this time, and thus you'd be the carer.

Oops! I meant cranberry juice or pills, these help prevent UTI, not prune juice/pills which help prevent constipation.

"I have a high paying job, but I don’t know for how long I can keep it because I’m not there mentally."

Sleep disruption is a form of torture -- did you know that? Yes, you could lose your job if your performance suffers because of your caregiving. And then what?

By any chance did your sibs suggest your mother could be put in a facility, and you refused?

Do you have POA? HCPOA? If not, who does? What is your mother's financial situation?

You are only 38. Are you willing to give up your life for your mother? (DO NOT DO IT.)

"I’m so exhausted and feel stuck".

Yes you are overworked.
Yes you have given so much.
Yes you care - greatly.

But do your siblings have to pick up what you want/need to drop? No.
Are siblings obligated to be your backup for days off, holidays, sickness or stress? No.

Of course it would be great if they offered more, but just as you are all individuals, all have your own lives, partners, kids, jobs, hobbies - you are all adults & get to choose for yourself. They may have decided they can do no extra.

Yet you need extra help.

This is when you change your mind - change your thinking. From looking to *sibs* to help you to;
1. What extra help do I need?
2. How can I find this help?
3. Are there the funds? (ie does Mom have the $)
3. Is it possible?

There comes a time when many caregivers must reassess their plan. Is it still working? If not, can it work with more help? Or has Mom's needs exceeded what can be done in a home setting? (Due to exhaustion, lack of extra helpers or finances for aides).

Spend no more time wishing for siblings to be the work horses you need. You have strength & courage. You CAN change the situation & make it work better. Get a fresh team of work horses!

I/m sorry, you may not agree with this, but your siblings are under no obligation to give up or severely disrupt their lives, not should you be at this time in your life, to take on this level of care responsibility. Your perspective is going to lead you to bitterness and an unhealthy state of mind. I'd imagine that mom when she was in a healthy state of mind would never have desired to have her children give up their lives for her. Most mothers want their children to be happy and to live a fulfilling life. And you certainly shouldn't be sacrificing your financial future for her. Your mother needs to be in a professional facility where she can get the care she needs, and you need to start working on the rest of your life.

There is no need to change the diaper overnight. Unless there's diarrhea. I've spent many a night doing hourly diaper changes when that happens. Normally that's not the case. I use Medline extended wear diapers at night. Those things are incredible. 3-4 times the soaking ability of a normal diaper. 95% of the time, not even a leak though in the morning. Even when there is, it's very rare it's more than a little dollar coin sized damp area.

bintumi
i think you’re amazing doing all this and working full time but you need a break.
you have siblings that live in town and do two three hours a week, you do more than that a day. Keep asking, keeping knocking on that door. You’re doing it all financially, physically mentally and emotionally - who do you talk to about it all? You’re coping with a lot.
try polar bear suggestion; extra sleep will help you and prevention of uti is brilliant idea.
book an overnight stay away and get your siblings to sit. And then do it again.
you have sibling who’s a doctor and others live abroad, you say they don’t contribute…… tell them you can’t cover everything financially anymore and there needs to be a monthly contribution of x increased care costs, cost of living, tax, etc you just can’t cover everything on your own any longer. “Book” them for time at the weekends, tell them you have a work thing or an appt, what do they say then? If someone is doing everything why would they step up. If they contribute get weekend care, for when you are not working and can take a break.
Your family are very lucky to have you. You are one awesome person, but even the most awesome people need a break, look after yourself

BintUmi - regarding the diaper change during the night, I never needed to change my mom's diapers overnight. Before bed, I prepared a pull up diaper and put in TWO additional insert pads in the middle of the pull up for extra absorbency, then I helped my mom put them on. I had a large underpad over the bed to protect the bed in case she soaks through the diaper and pads and clothes. And she often did.

I changed her the next morning. I put her on the toilet and washed her very well front and back with soap and warm water using a squirt bottle (for postpartum use). She never developed UTI from being in the same diaper overnight. She did get UTI several times however, but those were all because she went #2 in her diaper, and I forgot to give her prune juice/pill afterwards to prevent UTI.

I recommend you try my method or some other method along with regular prune juice or pills to keep UTI at bay. I hope you AND your mom can sleep through the night uninterrupted.

I understand completely. I lost most of my friends through my journey so the loss of relationships is very hard. It's one of the pieces that you cannot understand unless you have walked this path.

i can put my mom in nursing home, but I can never live with the pain of leaving her there. I take a good care of my mom despite the challenges and I know she won’t get that type of care anywhere else. In the few hours I sleep at night, I sleep peacefully knowing that I’ve done all I could for mom. She is more than worth the pain I’m going through and will continue doing so, but I just never imagined my siblings after living their prime years will leave me to care for mom so they won’t sacrifice a little bit of their sleep or comfort for mom. I’m angry because I thought I had the perfect siblings and family, I just realized after mom got sick that mom is the glue that kept us together and I saw the best in them before because mom brought the best out of them….it’s just masks fell off when mom’s brain was gone. Thank you I appreciate your response

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. It sounds very overwhelming and you are definitely doing more than your share. Would you mind me asking why you would never put your mom in a nursing home? Would your mother want you to burn out, hate your siblings (even if they deserve it), and lose a successful career to change her diapers? If you find her a home, you can visit her and just be her daughter. It's not easy but I think it might be better than the present option. Your mother sounds like a lovely person. I think she would want you to have some life yourself, as long as she is cared for and visited. Only you can know what's best for you but I just wanted to put this out there. ♥️