I am so very disappointed and sad. My family was always very close. I have two brothers. We always got together with Mom and Dad and each other.
I was had the Power of Attorney for everything, and handled things after her death.
One of my brothers had been living in my Mom and Dad's house for about 18 years, rent free. He didn't have to pay any bills, etc. Once she died I had to ask him to move out so that I could sell the house and split it 3 ways. He never made an effort to work or save any money. So naturally after it was sold and I gave him his portion of the money, he does not talk to me anymore. We used to do everything together.
My other brother is married and he and his wife do their own thing and have always been pretty private. This brother texts me about news info occasionally as I do him, but we don't talk on the phone or see each other, especially now because of the pandemic.
I am single, no children, no any close friends in my city. I have been hunkered down because of Covid, am not working, and am very lonely.
Not only did I lose my Mother, but I lost my older brother because of the house sale, and seldom talk to my younger brother. I'm always the one to reach out. I would NEVER have thought things would end up this way NEVER in a million years. I am soooooo sad and hurt.
And if they are alive and pass we will never know. My mother is 92 her sister should be 95 and brother 87.
Caregiverhelp11, I agree with others here. Go find some friends, perhaps with a hobby you have? Your brothers have made their intentions clear. I say to myself "pff...it's their loss." I agree you are grieving loss of your mom and brother relationships at the same time. You have a choice to make-do you continue to mourn the loss of the 3 for the rest of your time on earth too? Or do you pick yourself up, pick some friends (bc you can't pick your family) and live the life you have left? Some people are using Covid as an excuse to not make active decisions. You can still go out while taking precautions. Or zoom or better yet get some therapy w/o having to leave your house if you still don't trust being out & about. Also, what will happen to your estate? I hope you consider agencies that don't treat you like your brothers do. Dr Phil has a saying that is one of my favorites "people treat you, the way you allow them to treat you."
I commend you for splitting the house proceeds 3 ways, it could have been way messier. You sound like a fair and honest person. Families don't appreciate that enough. Believe me, I and many others on this site could go on & on about family DYSfunction after death of our parents/family members. Hang in there!
greedy relatives.Have health issues from stress,..I see people as mainly bad now.
DL
My family has always been extremely close and I know it's my mom who is the real glue. She always ensured there were family holidays with everyone present even during the hard times when it was only our immediate family seated at the table. (Long story, but there was a period of time we were totally broke and dad's family, who we lived closest to, made plans to do other things at holidays that did not include us).
As I travel this road of 24/7 caregiver with very little help from 4 siblings, I see everyone a little differently. I do love each one of them very much, but several times I've thought about - would we be friends if we weren't related. I do wonder what life without mom will become in regard to siblings.
The only thing I wonder about in your situation is did the brother live with parents and provide the 24/7 care for them? Maybe others could learn from that situation to consider that service when dividing up what's left from a life.
We spent many happy get togethers at parent's house over the years. Family was very close. Those gatherings stopped as mom's dementia grew worse and she was unwilling to have people to the house. Dad missed the gatherings, so my sister and stepped in and hosted them at our homes. But siblings also have elderly in laws and kids/grandkids who need their time/attention. Attendance at family gatherings is becoming hit or miss as time goes on. We have to pick and choose which family to spend holidays with. So gatherings where we all are together don't happen anymore. It just happens.
greedy relatives.Have health issues from stress,..I see people as mainly bad now.I gave up my freedom,and worked hard looking after the home in and out,along with all the stress of caretaking a relative that couldn't walk or barely use their hands.The gredy sibling never offered help in those 3 years,..but continued to party on including staying in a tropical paradise for a month each year,..while I was literally killing myself to save my parent.Now I'm being dragged through the gravel for 0ver 2 years now...i have done nothing wrong,..it's GREEEED,..
I'm done with most people,..AND with 'Family' to heck with 'em all.
greedy relatives.Have health issues from stress,..I see people as mainly bad now.I gave up my freedom,and worked hard looking after the home in and out,along with all the stress of caretaking a relative that couldn't walk or barely use their hands.The greedy sibling never offered help in those 3 years,..but continued to party on including staying in a tropical paradise for a month each year,..while I was literally killing myself to save my parent.Now I'm being dragged through the gravel for 0ver 2 years now...i have done nothing wrong,..it's GREEEED,..
I'm done with most people,..AND with 'Family' to heck with 'em all.
GREEEEDY relatives.Have health issues from stress,..I see people as mainly bad now.I gave up my freedom,and worked hard looking after the home in and out,lawns,hedges,handyman duties,along with trying to maintain my job as best I could...lost 10 pounds doing all this,..along with all the EXTREME stress of caretaking a relative that couldn't walk or barely use their hands.The greedy sibling never offered help in those 3 years,..but continued to party on including staying in a tropical paradise for a month each year,..while I was literally killing myself to save my parent.Now I'm being dragged through the gravel for 0ver 2 years now...i have done nothing wrong,..it's GREEEED,..
I'm done with most people,..AND with 'Family' to heck with 'em all.
I would encourage you to create a life for yourself. Get involved with a group. If that seems difficult, find something you can do by yourself. What activities do you enjoy? Gardening, reading, cooking, baking, exercise? I know with COVID everything seems to have stopped, but the more you can stay busy/active doing things you love, the more content you will feel. Try to stay connected with people who know what you're going through. It helps tremendously to know you're not alone.
God Bless you in your journey. He sees you and knows your struggles.
Give yourself permission to only accept relationships in your life that are fruitful, positive, supportive and meaningful; apply that to include relatives. Learn to love and care for them from a distance without compromising yourself. Do not allow them to ignore or overstep your boundaries. You deserve to be emotionally safe and if they don't contribute to that, keep them outside your safety circle!
But the final blow came when my father left me more in his will (I don't know how much more) than he did to the boys. Why should I get more, they reasoned. After all, they had wives and children, therefore financial burdens I did not have as a single woman. (Of course they each had six figure incomes. I did not!)
The brothers never forgave me...as if I somehow deliberately influenced my father to favor me.! One, in particular made some really unkind remarks. Like you, I was very sad because I felt like I had lost my whole family. Not just parents, but siblings as well.
Time has passed. I've developed friendships and helpful associations outside family. You must do the same. The hurt is still there, but I've put it in the past. And I know my father never anticipated the fall-out that developed in our family. Both brothers have passed on and I attended their funerals, meeting peaceably with their spouses and children. Amazingly, now that I am old, a nephew, who seems to bear me no ill-will, has become quite helpful to me. And I am on distant but amicable terms with both sisters-in-law (in their late 80's and 90's) But know this: those who are the most faithful friends are OFTEN not those related by blood.
The previous comments from mommycare are well thought out and applicable...
You are not alone in having feelings of many kinds that can overwhelm you for short periods of time. You will find yourself coming to terms with how you feel with time, good friends to talk with who will listen, perhaps even some counsel from a psychologist for a bit...
Our family also broke up after placing our Mom into longterm care. The family was broken long before this but basic civility was maintained on behalf of our parents... There is grief, many pronged when not only do we lose our parent, but the dream we had of our siblings. The loss of what we had assumed about them, had hoped for in any ongoing relationships with them. There is also anger when siblings do not keep up their obligations, or steal from the parent, or bully other siblings, or hold their power of power of attorney, or executor, or guardian over the heads of other siblings. There is anger and hurt when a sibling just doesn't care and you realize this during a crisis with your family.
I know finding people to become friends with is hard, but not impossible. Be brave and reach out to others as you have done on the chat site here. Over my (over 50 ++++) years I eventually learned to find other people whom I share interests with. Some times that worked sometimes not....I found a 30 + year friend by arguing over which variety of Nasturtium repelled aphids better!!
I found a great heart friend by sharing tears of loss that just poured out at the sight of her gift of a plate of her apple tarts. There are wonderful people around us always....just let them in Many of us long time Caregivers also need to know and accept its healthy to accept kindness and care and love from others who genuinely like you for you... Day by Day...
To say I loved my siblings is an understatement. They were my world. A couple of my siblings treated my parents terribly, however. My parents mourned these relationships and eventually came to peace with their sorrow.
Over the course of about 30 years, I evolved into Mom and Dad’s caretaker and was logically designated their executor. The sibs all vanished when the “good times” became scarce.
They did not conceal deep seeded bitterness and said things along the lines of, “ Well since you were the favorite, you shouldn’t need any help from us now.“ (This abandonment when I needed them most was excrutiating).
My parents, through great foresight, had already planned to exclude a couple of them from the estate. This resulted in a lawsuit targeted against me (as executor) which was costly, both emotionally and financially. The case was thrown out of court before any trial and my siblings lost on two attempted appeals. My parents’ intent prevailed since the lawyers were able to defend their will completely.
No one could predict that one of the “good” siblings that benefited from this positive hard-earned result would later throw a fit because she felt she didn’t get her money fast enough! My Mom and Dad would have been so ashamed by her reaction.
My parents were both generous and fair. There was noting inequitable about their choices. In fact, the siblings who sued behaved so ugly in the lawsuit that my parents’ wisdom was confirmed.
I’m frequently asked whether I resent my parents for making their bold decision. I respect them more. They were able to see through my siblings in a way that I was not. Their actions taught me that it is okay to break ties. Grudges have their place —when someone’s behavior is bad and there is no hope for rehabilitation.
i know you are mourning the loss of your siblings too. Mourn them and move on to happiness. Like my siblings, they probably never really were there for you in the first place.