My common sense knows my mother can't help her lack of eyesight, diminished hearing and lack of mobility. I mentally have to swallow my resentment at least once a day knowing I was there when she refused to care for either of my grandmothers when their time came as well as she handed my dad over to me after 3 weeks of intense treatment for esophageal adenocarcinoma. I'm brought right back to when my kids were very little and you lay down at night and say "tomorrow I will be more patient and more happy".... then they wake-up !!!!
Then I feel guilty because she's dying and she can't help that her mind is going, and I buy her flowers or treats or yet another photo magazine about the royal family.
Not because they were aging, but they refused to dive into their savings to hire caregivers and tradesmen to help them around the house. And wouldn't consider downsizing to something more manageable.
My parents had zero clue what they were putting me through as neither lived close enough to care for their own parents. They were in denial that I was also a senior with my own age decline issues.
I use to tell my Dad, when his Mom needed help, that she had about 15 relatives that all could help her, and they did.... same with my Mom's parents, there were about 10 relatives that all lived by and were helping. Then there was me, doing everything that all those relatives were during as there were no relatives in-state to help me. It was physically and emotionally exhausting.
My parents recently passed, and my health isn't the greatest due to all the stress. I had to throw away my bucket list, as travel is now out of the question. Yet, my parents did almost everything on their bucket list. It just didn't seem fair. Of course, by the time I found this website here, it was very difficult to set boundaries :P
What you resent is its being taken for granted that you will make up for these things. Don't blame you. But isn't that why you're recognising the need for change?
I also have been PT caregiver for my mom and I get so angry, tired and frustrated by her, and then go home and the guilt sets in.
We can only do so much--I am constantly trying to find a balance.
Maybe a couple of days a week off would be helpful? Any option for that? I know that when DH is going to be home, I plan to leave several times a day--just b/c I am so frustrated by his deafness (which, BTW he will not treat).