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How do you get an elderly parent to take a bath or shower, when they refuse to do so? Do you have any ideas or suggestions that would help me? My brother and I are at our wits end with this problem. Thank you for any help you may have.
What worked for my mom was an accessory that covers the private body areas. (That gives dignity to the bathing experience) They work like flaps tha you can clean under. The organization Dignity Resource Council has them and even offers free or low-cost options if you cannot afford them. Their website is dignityrc.org
What I do? Is take her into the room......Have a chair in there...in the shower. Let her sit down then strip her clothes off...Take a back brush put the soap on it....and start with her back....Then I hear ohhhh that feels so good....dry skin coming off...So Then we have to battle getting out...So I hand her the towel while I am getting her clothes moved around and tell her there dry your legs and feet...She does...And then dressing her is easy. but she loved lotion when she was "Okay" So I give her lotion to put on her too....The more you allow independence the more they will do for you. Not with you.....For you. But you have to make is sound like they are doing it for you........... Will you do this for me please? NOPE...MOm I need you too..okay? finally she will get up and do it.....Just all in the wording. Good luck..Let me know if this helps.....Hugs to you...SHaron
My mom has mild cognitive impairment. She is taking sponge baths, which is okay, but once a week I tell her she needs to take a bath. I wash her back and hair. So far, she hasn't resisted me. She will be moving into an assisted living facility so I don"t know how I am goiing to track her bat'hing.I know she feels better afterward, but she just does not feel she needs to take a bath.I also make sure since she lives with me now, her clothes are always clean. It is extra work, but I feel she needs it right now. I am an aid and work with all types of clients. One gentlemen won't take a shower for his wife, but if we suggest it he does it. Whatever it takes, I guess. Check to see what options you have for getting a caregiver to come in and take care of this aspect for you. Call your doctor for suggestions on who to call. If he orders this, maybe the insurance will pay.Veterans can also receive care through the VA. Hope this helps.
Hi. This is my first post. I bribe my aunt at the first sign of resistance with a back rub promise AFTER she showers. Plus I never rush her. Thanks for this web site.
Lira, It sounds awful to talk to our parents this way, but sometimes the only way to get Mom to listen is to tell her she Stinks and will offend everyone else at daycare. She doesn't care if it offends me, but doesn't want to be embarrassed in front of her daycare ladies. If it take being rude to get them to clean up their act, then so be it! I also have been told that the elderly have very dry, and sensitive skin, so a good washing up with a moisturizing soap every day, and a shower once a week is better for their skin. I found a very inexpensive Walmart brand body wash with Shea Butter and other moisturizers to keep the skin from drying out. It also smells really good. As for their clothes, you have to grab them when they are in bed for the night, otherwise they don't remember how many days they have been wearing them. Good luck!
I have the same problem with my Mom. She also has dementia and hates taking a bath or shower. I know that this sounds terrible but I had her smell her own underpants one day when she went to the bathroom and she agreed she needed a bath. She still doesn't like it but if I tell her she smells she gets it. Hope that might help a little, I know how hard it is for both of us. Jan
HI Again, Sorry I broke the link on my last email Here's the complete link on showering from Well Cornel Medical College http://www.thiscaringhome.org/virtual_home/bathroom_7steps_02-get-person-ready_2.aspx From there you can learn more about the garment that protects dignity of the bather and the caregiver! http://www.thiscaringhome.org/products/bathing-outfit.php I wish you all the best on this journey. I cared for my mom for two years and this product made all the difference. I wish I had it for my dad, who died of Alzheimer's. God Bless!
I understand. Don't get discouraged when there's an embarassment issue w/ bathing Here's a great site from Well Cornell Medical College that offers suggestions. It's called This Caring Home. They tested and reviewed a bathing garment that deals with this issue. (Here's 2 links) The frst one gives advise on bathing and the other gives more details on the product. Here's the first one: http://www.thiscaringhome.org/products/bathing-outfit.php 02-get-person-ready_2.aspx And here's the link that shows the test results of the bathing accessory: http://www.thiscaringhome.org/virtual_home/bathroom_7steps_ I used this with my mom and it helped both of us, and made undressing and bathing no big deal.That's because it covers the private areas only. Hope this helps.
Thanks for the discussion and posts. We moved my Dad here about 3 weeks ago, and he hasn't bathed since. He'll tell me he will, but when the aide shows up, he won't.
Not sure what I am going to do next. I really don't want to bathe him myself. (I'm a daughter ... just seems wrong to bathe Dad.)
My mom used to do that in her early stages of dementia. She refused to take a bath. It was really hard to get her to do it but occasionally I'd help her take one, sometimes fighting with her but eventually she'd give in. You just have to encourage her to if not everyday, maybe every other day and try to assist her.
You can also get those hygiene sprays to help clean her skin. It's not the same but it helps. Maybe there's an underlying problem, does she have dementia ? I know that has a lot to do with the agitation and combativeness that comes along with anything that they feel they're losing control to.
I need some suggestions. I am going to be doing elder care for a local gentleman who needs assistance with showering. How do I do this keeping his modesty and dignity in tact, as well as my own! We will be using a tub with a chair and hand held shower head. I have bathed women before but not men. Not sure about his private parts, his tummy is rather large. I would appreciate any suggestions! Thanks! Claudine
In addition to the wipes, we would use the disposable wash cloths at times. This was good because it saved on wash loads and it was much more sanitary. The reason that I changed to disposable wash cloths was because at one time, an aide was just not cleaning up well after my stepfather was bathed.....she would leave the soiled washcloths in the bathroom and they were ruined :-( . We also used these washcloths to absorb the occassional "accident" because they are so thick and DISPOSABLE!
In between at home care visits from our at home care nurse, I would use adult wipes to freshen my step father up between bathing schedules. I found that the moist wipes were very handy and they are thick + disposable. They did not dry out his skin because they do not contain alcohol! You can save trips to the store + money if you buy them in bulk!
dwestlake and everyone else the next time your parent ask you why you're obsessed about them showering, or bathing tell them because they smell like a FUNKY MONKEY! And let that be that!
I have the same problem with my 97 year old father. He is quite mobile and is capable of showering and dressing himself. Even though there are clean clothes in his dresser he will wear the same clothes including underwear for a week if I don't remind him to change. sometimes I have to sneak into his room while he's asleep to grab the dirty clothes. He doesn't think he needs a shower more than once a week even though he smells really foul. When I tell him he needs a shower he makes some comment about wasting water and asks me why I'm so obsessed about showers.
My MIL moved in with us about three months ago. Acually we purchased a new home with her needs in mind. But her hygiene is the worst I've ever seen. Not only does she not want to take shower...we will wear and sleep in the same clothes for days...probably weeks if we let her. She refuses to wash her hands, brush her teeth....She will use the same tissue to blow her nose, flatten it out and wipe her mouth. She will do this a the dinner table, that I cant stand to eat around her. If she has a bowl accident, she will put her underware in the snk, put her clothes back on and go to bed. I have told her she needs to take a shower or she is going to get sick. My husband has it so she has to atleast shower every other day. But my husband won't ask her not to blow her nose and then wipe her mouth at the dinner table. I found out this is the way she has always been . Changing her bedding I found snot tissues under her pillow (about 20) and more when I pulled the sheets off the bed. My son talked to her and told her he would only give her a tissue after she throws old one away. My son is the only one who can actually talk to her...he talks to her like she is a child. I have tried to get her to use bath sprays, powder and to make it shower fun, but she refuses me. Somedays she stinks so bad, i can't stand it. She sits in a rocker all day, smoking and watching TV. I can't get her to do anything, however I do make her fold her own clothes...she thinks I should. Not happening.
Hi Pamela, when my father was staying at my brother's house, he just ignored any kind of "hygeine" tasks like having my dad take a bath. In effect, he left it to his wife, who was already running ragged trying to get two kids to take baths in the evening. My brother did on the weekend voluntarily give my dad a shave. When my dad started a bath, but couldn't get out on his own, his wife asked him to go in. He did and lifted him out. But afterwards, he didn't work on a long-term, regular solution. It's partly a guy thing, and tough to accept one's own father as needing such kind of help.
My mom has been in a Nursing Home since December 31st. She has dementia and has not had a bath or shower since she was placed there. The NH said they cannot force her to take a shower or bath and my brother and I have tried everything. Yes, we told her she stinks. She is starting to get a bed sore on her back and has had the same clothes on for 2 weeks. She refuses to change clothes too. We placed her in a Nursing Home because she couldn't do these things anymore and we couldn't do 24 hour care. Whose responsibility is it to get her to bath and change clothes and what should we do?
The real concern besides odor, is skin breaking down!!! The peri area is tender skin. Her bottom needs washed. Try a sponge bath at the sink... I would also try something that smells good body wash or bubble bath... I do wish you well I know it is tough...
My parents dont have dementia...yet. Dad, cant get his legs over the side of the tub and feels like hes going to fall. I installed heavy duty safety rails to help. He will take a shower once a week. Mom, just hates it. She likes to take a bath not a shower but has a hard time getting in and out. She wont use a chair, I got one, tried it. She has the idea that she can sponge off and its ok but you can see dead flaky skin on her arms, legs and her feet are horrible!! I have done everything I can think of and Id be happy with once a week. The more I try the more she rebels. we wrote it on the calendar book, on Sundays then it got moved to Wednesday then she was too busy(they go nowhere) so ity moved to another day....etcetc. If I leave it alone, she just doesnt take one at all. If I talk about it as nice as I possibly can, she digs her feet in the ground and gets mad and pouts. What do you do???
I am trying a new approach. Letting my mom know that I am coming to take her out for lunch. I asked her to be freshly showered. This is my plan...if she is not cleaned up, I will stay for a few moments to visit and then leave. I am planning ahead so that I will be prepared to have a pleasant attitude if things don't go as I hope...praying the serenity prayer has been helping me mentally also.
i would love to have one of those walk in tub !!! and im sure my dad might would go for it , i can see him slide down and drown . so no not a good idea . but its a thought . and the prices on one of those makes me say nah . yes i use the softess wash cloth to wash him down with , cuz he did mention once that rag is rough so i thought ok i ll find the softess one . cloth diapers is a exclent idea . ill go see if walmart has em .
I know that this can be a very real and frustrating issue... I think that sometimes it depends on the words we use I know that seems simple, but I do know that it works. I think your tone of voice makes a differance and perhaps even giving them choices. Many ladies would rather take a bath than a shower. Try using lets get cleaned up, rather than you are doing to take a shower. One thing to keep in mind with folks with alzheimers disease or dementia they become child like. I am not saying they are children however they do become somewhat childish. It can become a battle of the wills. With ladies get new bubble bath or something that smells good to them. Another thing can be the time of day. Maybe they always bathed at night and we want to do it in the morning. Make sure the room is warm too... Many things to consider.
If you would try the cut up baby diapers for sensitive skin instead of a regular wash cloth,you will be surprised how much easier on the skin it is.The older we get the more sensitve our skin gets especially when all there is to chose from is sponge bath or asponge bath or a sponge bath.
i am havin the same problems here . from then on i started to sponge bath my dad on his toilet . for some reason he doesnt like water sprayin on him , and i fear that he would fall trying to take 6 steps to the shower with me hanging on to him . i would ask him every morning do u want me to crank the heat up so u can take a shower , oh no he says . so i crank the heat up anyway and give him his sponge bath while he sittin onthe toilet , it works he s clean ... older you get and you just get scared of fallin , me too im scared of falling with him .
My dad refused to go to a nursing home,said he would go to the funeral home first. I wished he could have experienced a big bubbling spa bath.Soaking in tub can't be beat.
Keep in mind your parent doesn't like being adependent,it doesn't feel natural. They feel angry, ashamed,embarress,and sometimes down right hostile. The kid feels pretty much the same way. I was lucky I had late in life baby experience.My dad was totally bed ridden. He had numerous problems,but his mind was good most of the time.Once you realize this is just part of the process and your quality time is getting limited you approach the situation differently.I've decided that if you can't pee,poop or throw up on the ones who love the most ,who can you do these things around.I Kept in mind that this could be me someday and I TRIED TO deal with my dad as I WOULD Want someone elese to treat me. No one at anursing home loves your mom or dad as much as you no matter how good they are.Sick people generally want there family around them especially in embarrassing and scary times. No grown person wants to be dependant on another. No matter how hard a care giver has it,the sick one has it harder. I would let my dad know if he was sticky. I played down his lack of dependance,I Could see his frustration,sometimes I got the fury of his frustration. I'M very thinkful for being able to go to the toliet myself.Isn't weird how we take the simplest of tasks for granted sometimes;pooping and bathing on our own.It's like air and water, we don't miss it until it's gone. I would get the softest preemies cloth baby diapers I could find, cut them up to a good size,turn up the heat,get a nice smelling skin softening soap start at the face and ears and go down. I gave the bath like they do giving massages,uncovering only what is being washed.That way when you get to the private parts,its not toocold or embarressing to either of you.Remember only warm water and use a light touch.My dad had a caregiver that rubbed too hard he said, "she rubbed so hard, she could take the hide off of a mule."Music helps relax the tension as does laughter and talking about good times. My dad liked telling me war stories. I was sleep deprived and tired,but I sure enjoyed our quality time.You don.t have to be fit as afiddle and have avacation to Disney World to have quality time. Bath time with your newborn is quality bonding time and so it end of life responsibilites with your parant. Once they are gone they are gone and you don't want to sit around wishing you have done things differently.
I think it's wonderful that your dad can still take orders, and be good natured about it too. I guess it's when he looks at the water and doesn't know what water is used for, that you'll have a whole new set of problems. Until then, I think you've got it figured out.
I think we are too used to giving adults "a choice." I won't say it to my dad directly, and I don't like it when people make the comment, "He's like a five-year-old." But the truth is, I do have to treat him in a similar manner. He has Alzheimer's and the parts of his brain that aren't working are just like those of a little toddler that haven't yet developed.
Try phrases like this instead:
"The shower's ready, you can put your clothes in this basket here," to prompt her to action.
"Your bath is ready, the water's hot, so don't dilly-dally undressing."
If the day is warm, she's not too tired, etc., I bet it works. The key is to just put her "into the moment." All manner of giving reminders, suggestions, rewards, etc., just don't work.
If she really for whatever reason doesn't want to, she'll still protest. When I tried once with my dad on a day that was too cold, he really landed up protesting and I accommodated, to try another day. But boy was I frustrated and upset and biting my lip.
Maybe my idea is too simplistic, but it seems to work. Would be interested to hear about other's experiences. I do dread the day my approach doesn't work anymore.
I have told my dad he's getting "stinky." He goes, "Okay." But it doesn't mean he's running over to take a shower.
I find I have to have extreme patience, and wait till it's a warm day, and he's both not too tired, but also a little bored. When I see this window of opportunity, I prep the bathroom, hot water in a bucket, stools ready, shampoo within reach, towel within reach, clothes hamper open, change of clothes all set out.
Then I non-nonchalantly go over and say, "Hey, come over here. You have an assignment." He responds, "Oh oh." But usually then he will follow me over and when he sees it's shower time, he'll start taking off his watch, clothes and will go take a shower. He has Alzehiemer's so I stand outside and call out steps, "Pour water over your feet, now soap." He keeps calling out, "What next?" I figure at least it's still better than someone bathing him.
I have it on my Yahoo calendar as a regular-recurring activity about once-a-week.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
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Their website is dignityrc.org
I am an aid and work with all types of clients. One gentlemen won't take a shower for his wife, but if we suggest it he does it. Whatever it takes, I guess. Check to see what options you have for getting a caregiver to come in and take care of this aspect for you. Call your doctor for suggestions on who to call. If he orders this, maybe the insurance will pay.Veterans can also receive care through the VA. Hope this helps.
I also have been told that the elderly have very dry, and sensitive skin, so a good washing up with a moisturizing soap every day, and a shower once a week is better for their skin. I found a very inexpensive Walmart brand body wash with Shea Butter and other moisturizers to keep the skin from drying out. It also smells really good. As for their clothes, you have to grab them when they are in bed for the night, otherwise they don't remember how many days they have been wearing them. Good luck!
Sorry I broke the link on my last email
Here's the complete link on showering from Well Cornel Medical College
http://www.thiscaringhome.org/virtual_home/bathroom_7steps_02-get-person-ready_2.aspx
From there you can learn more about the garment that protects dignity of the bather and the caregiver!
http://www.thiscaringhome.org/products/bathing-outfit.php
I wish you all the best on this journey. I cared for my mom for two years and this product made all the difference. I wish I had it for my dad, who died of Alzheimer's. God Bless!
Here's a great site from Well Cornell Medical College that offers suggestions. It's called This Caring Home.
They tested and reviewed a bathing garment that deals with this issue. (Here's 2 links) The frst one gives advise on bathing and the other gives more details on the product. Here's the first one:
http://www.thiscaringhome.org/products/bathing-outfit.php
02-get-person-ready_2.aspx
And here's the link that shows the test results of the bathing accessory:
http://www.thiscaringhome.org/virtual_home/bathroom_7steps_
I used this with my mom and it helped both of us, and made undressing and bathing no big deal.That's because it covers the private areas only. Hope this helps.
Not sure what I am going to do next. I really don't want to bathe him myself. (I'm a daughter ... just seems wrong to bathe Dad.)
You can also get those hygiene sprays to help clean her skin. It's not the same but it helps. Maybe there's an underlying problem, does she have dementia ? I know that has a lot to do with the agitation and combativeness that comes along with anything that they feel they're losing control to.
How do I do this keeping his modesty and dignity in tact, as well as my own! We will be using a tub with a chair and hand held shower head. I have bathed women before but not men.
Not sure about his private parts, his tummy is rather large.
I would appreciate any suggestions! Thanks! Claudine
We also used these washcloths to absorb the occassional "accident" because they are so thick and DISPOSABLE!
You can save trips to the store + money if you buy them in bulk!
**smacks hands up and down**
Thanks for letting me vent...
but its a thought . and the prices on one of those makes me say nah .
yes i use the softess wash cloth to wash him down with , cuz he did mention once that rag is rough so i thought ok i ll find the softess one . cloth diapers is a exclent idea . ill go see if walmart has em .
i would ask him every morning do u want me to crank the heat up so u can take a shower , oh no he says . so i crank the heat up anyway and give him his sponge bath while he sittin onthe toilet , it works he s clean ...
older you get and you just get scared of fallin , me too im scared of falling with him .
I think we are too used to giving adults "a choice." I won't say it to my dad directly, and I don't like it when people make the comment, "He's like a five-year-old." But the truth is, I do have to treat him in a similar manner. He has Alzheimer's and the parts of his brain that aren't working are just like those of a little toddler that haven't yet developed.
Try phrases like this instead:
"The shower's ready, you can put your clothes in this basket here," to prompt her to action.
"Your bath is ready, the water's hot, so don't dilly-dally undressing."
If the day is warm, she's not too tired, etc., I bet it works. The key is to just put her "into the moment." All manner of giving reminders, suggestions, rewards, etc., just don't work.
If she really for whatever reason doesn't want to, she'll still protest. When I tried once with my dad on a day that was too cold, he really landed up protesting and I accommodated, to try another day. But boy was I frustrated and upset and biting my lip.
Maybe my idea is too simplistic, but it seems to work. Would be interested to hear about other's experiences. I do dread the day my approach doesn't work anymore.
I find I have to have extreme patience, and wait till it's a warm day, and he's both not too tired, but also a little bored. When I see this window of opportunity, I prep the bathroom, hot water in a bucket, stools ready, shampoo within reach, towel within reach, clothes hamper open, change of clothes all set out.
Then I non-nonchalantly go over and say, "Hey, come over here. You have an assignment." He responds, "Oh oh." But usually then he will follow me over and when he sees it's shower time, he'll start taking off his watch, clothes and will go take a shower. He has Alzehiemer's so I stand outside and call out steps, "Pour water over your feet, now soap." He keeps calling out, "What next?" I figure at least it's still better than someone bathing him.
I have it on my Yahoo calendar as a regular-recurring activity about once-a-week.