Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

Audrey,
It was nice to hear from the other side of the fence. I understand what you are saying about turning to parents for their imput, opinion, wisdom, advice. I do that at times with my mother. I must say that from what I read you seem very well adjusted. My mother and a few of the other mothers are not. You had your turn of taking care of parents, even your husband. Like Judy (decor) said you did what you needed to and seemed very positive. I think you are more positive then myself. Being raised by a negative parent especially Mother tends to affect one. It delights me to know that there are actually Mother's out there that are positive, accepting what life gives them and making the best of it. You continue your life seeking things you enjoy. I hope that someday I will mature into someone like you. I wished my Mother were more like you if she was it would be much nicer having to take care of her. I also noticed that you try not to cause any trouble, and don't offer your thoughts unless asked. Minding your own business that is very important when you live with your children. Continued best wishes to you and your family and good health.

Hi girls, a bit stir crazy today. Sitting here eating lunch (sushi) mmmm...smiles. All I have to say at the moment is that I have one nerve and guess who is on it?! I am in my room with the door closed and sometimes feel like a teenager who wants to keep her mother out! If moms would mind their own business and not complain so much life would be so much easier...we need moms like audrey!

Hey, girls will have to write later but brought myself to the hospital this morning for my nerves, will let you know what happened, when I can write. I wish I had a mother like Audrey.

Love, Marylynne

Marylynne, I hope you are okay hun.

Let us know..

hugs
Cindi

Hey Girls, Night before last was on the phone talking to my husband when mom walked in and started talking to me, like she always does when I'm on the phone. I politely said, I'm on the phone and will be right with you. She retorted, every time I talk to you you're on the god damned phone. I said nothing at first, but she could see how my face changed. She asked what was the matter? I said what was that for, did I say something nasty to you to get that retort. She said thats the way she has always talked and I don't like it since she lives with me. Well, needless to say, we got into the addition thing and why do I want her separate from me and so on... She went as far as to say that she's sick all of the time because I make her feel uncomfortable in my home. She said I should feel guilty. I told her I will never feel guilty and I hated her for telling me that. She called me every bitch under the sun and like a child I locked myself in my room for the rest of the night. When I awoke this morning,I decided to go to the emergency room. They gave me a shot to slow my heart from beating too fast and gave me some lexapro to go. When I got home she started all over again on how her feelings are hurt. She don't care about me. All she thinks about is herself. Both my brothers called her today and told her she was the cause of my breakdown and all she told them was that she stays out of my way at all times. She will never get it. So how do I get along with someone who can't see their own terrible ways? I Quit. I told her today what could she possibly have to hate about having her own home attached to mine. If you needed someone to take care of you, wouldn't you do whatever it took to help that person or their nerves, in my case?

Love to all of you and I do wish to have a mother like Audrey. I know Audrey is showing us the other side, but she sounds like a doll to get along with.

A word to Audrey, I think that you are wonderful also. My mother neither stays out of my business,always corrects my kids, tries to tell me what I should or shouldn't buy. When I go out with my husband, I am surprised she doesn't ask to go. We always take her out for Sunday dinner and I take her out every day for a jaunt in some store, whether it be just to pick up prescriptions or to walk around till I pick up my 12 year old from school. When we do go out, she expects my 12 year old to stay home with her because she is so scary. My dad had a stroke 20 years ago and she doesn't she wishes he weren't around, so she won't have to care for him. All she does for him is feed him breakfast and sometimes puts on his clothes after a bath. I fix his lunch and dinner and give him all his pills. I transfer him and take him to the doctor and she feels I do nothing. You are a true queen of mothers, I would love to have someone like you.

Best wishes, Marylynne

hi girls, too tooo terribly tired to make any comments..... know what you mean about the phone. i have the same problems. someday i will get the courage to talk back too, i hope. I salute you for telling her. Audrey, i think it is nice that you are a big help, but, it may not last forever, so enjoy it while you can. My mom was much the same as you when she was your age. I had an all day ordeal yesterday with the mri and docs appt. it was horrible, every thing about it was bad. I havent got much more to say, totally exhausted. now she wants to go to garage sales an there are none. yep, i need some of that calgon to take me AWAY. luv, donna

Good Morning Ladies. It is Friday yippee...don't know if it makes a difference but it sounds good...Early day out today. Been to curves with a girlfriend (we try and go 3 times a week helps get out the frustrations and stress). Got dad up early so we could take mom back to the dentist to get her denture. Over to the bakery to get carrot cakes (mini ones) so she can take them to her friends this evening when she goes to her old senior residence to watch her favorite entertainer (there is happy hour there on fridays and she likes this guy). But not before taking her to the Physical Therapist for her weekly PT. Always have to bring dad with me and we wait for an hour. Will go lay flowers on my son's grave...this is a good time it is close to the PT. So far day has gone smooth considering how busy it's been. Snuck in dad's bath before we went to the dentist. Maybe Mom will treat for lunch today after PT. Calgon take us all away...remember to do one thing that makes you happy today girls...it helps. For me it was having sushi yesterday..today? Who knows...love yas...Cindi

Donna
Sorry you had such an especially hard day yesterday at the hospital/doctors/mri. You deserve a break. Mom might want to go garage sale shopping (and there are none). But, time to tell mom that you are so exhausted from yesterday and everything else last week that you are taking some time for you. Plan how you are going to do that, what you need and do it. Perhaps you can just tend to her as minimally as possible or hire someone in or something. You have been on overload for the last few weeks!

Marylynne, sweetie...no use talking about what "she says" you don't do..cause you know what you do and that is most everything. It is insulting to you for her to day that (maybe she should be told that)....also if you stopped doing...maybe she would see what you REALLy do. Then again, she wouldn't admit to it but once again it is a power thing. Don't pay any attention to her. You do it all. You are a great daughter, mother, friend, and wife. She will never tell you that. You just have to know it yourself and own it yourself. I told my mother a few minutes ago that she is driving me crazy in the kitchen that was a big thing for me to tell her cause you never know when she will take it badly. She said..oh no wonder you are so grumpy cause you have to cook it...(I was making lunch) I said I don't mind cooking it but it is making me nuts you asking me questions like is it defrosted yet..and remember to separate the noodles...and oh Cynthia don't cook the noodles too long. Sometimes it helps to communicate...cause then she said well I was just trying to help you (made me feel a bit bad) cause I can tell she really meant it...so I said..well mom..thing is you were trying to help me but it was making me nuts..(she seems to take my imput better since moving in not always but better then before most likely cause she knows there is nowhere else she wants to go).

Sjohnson hi there...

I would talk to her doctor like you said. She sounds severely depressed and has alienated herself from everything, everyone but the dog...and you guys I suppose. I think not being able to hear well makes it easy to be in your own world. Perhaps she finds things outside herself frightful to her now. It is so difficult to see someone you love not do well. Especially if they choose it. Good luck...

hi cindi, marylynne judy audrey and others,
Well, my day has gone fairly smoothly, except for my mother telling me every few minutes that i should get off the computer and lay down and rest. I will lay down and rest when i damned well feel like it, not when some old witch tells me to. My resentment grows daily. Nothing i do is right or good enough. I made a chicken enchilada casserole for dinner, and she said, i dont like this. i will eat a peanut jelly sandwich. Had i know no one would eat it, i sure wouldnt have gone to the trouble and expense to make it. well, my dog continually gets fatter as i feed her most of the stuff i cook for my mom. I did get some rest today. didnt do much housework, just a load of laundry cook, and clean the kitchen, so feel much better this evening. What do you girls think of me letting my friend (male) move in with us? He is gone most of the time anyway, and when he is here, helps me with the dreaded yardwork, and other things that i cannot do. He wants to, and i would like to have him here. I havent ran it by the Boss yet. No telling what she will say, but then she has the worst opinion of me anyway. I cannot marry, or would lose my income, which is quite substantial from my late husband. I am tired of giving up my life for my mom an my son. I want to have a real life. luvyall

Hello fellow caregivers - I have been reading your posts, and also I saw the PBS 90-minute show on Caregivers the other night, and just want to say that I am so glad to meet others who are similar situations as me. (And, Audrey, will you be MY mom?)
I'm 54, single, no children, no siblings, still have to work (211 days to go till I can retire!) and hoping I will not lose my mind or have a heart attack before retirement. I don't know where to start - I love my mom, but the woman I see before me is NOT the mother I knew. She is 83, in fairly decent physical health for her age (just HBP and arthritis), but mentally and emotionally - I don't know. The mood swings are frightening.
It is heartbreaking to see this former schoolteacher and newspaper editor start a sentence and get 3 or 4 words out, then not be able to think of the next word, and either I guess the right word and she continues, or I guess the wrong word and she calls me "stupid". When I take her to doctors, she can't seem to tell them what is wrong, and I have to talk for her.
She still drinks (has all her life). Has temper tantrums etc. What tops it all is when I come home from work (unfortunately this job I work 4 pm to midnight, which she hates) there have been about 5 times since Nov that she throws me out of the house (she owns it, I rent the apartment on the 2nd floor) and I have to rent a motel room for the night. Other work nights she just calls my cell phone so many times that it interrupts my work and the local police have told me to just turn off the phone. (But what if she calls me because she is really hurt or has fallen again and can't get to me?) One time I came home at midnight and she had fallen, and couldn't remember when (it had to be between 7 pm when I called her, and before midnight) and the Lifeline didn't work (later found one of the phones was slightly off the hook) and that time she had bloodied her forearm. Of course, again the police and EMT's had to come.
What really gets me is the beatings. In my state, if someone hits a senior citizen, it is "senior abuse" and you go to jail. However, there is no law on the books about senior citizens hitting a caregiver. The local town police know both of us well - they have come tons of times. It is so embarrasing! When I got hold of the county Office of the Aging and told them my story, they said they wanted to contact Adult Protective Services - I almost passed out! I blurted out: I don't beat my mother!! They said: no, for you. I was shocked!
I take great comfort in my darling Boston Terrier, Valentine, and the power of prayer. Can't wait for retirement. Dream of moving to Maine (but now she can't write her own checks anymore to pay bills, so we'll see what happens in the future).
Best wishes to all of you,
Peg

Dear Peg, my heart goes out to u girl. My mom is much like yours, in that she is abusive at times, but never hits me, just mentally and verbally abusive. She is also unable to take care of business for herself, thus, i, as an only child, have to do these things for her. Days go by when there is never a kind word to me from her. I do everything for her, from keeping house, laundry, lawn work, to taking her to the garage sales that she so loves, and loading and unloading a cumbersome walker 50 times a day. At least on my side, i do not have another job.(wouldnt have time for one anyway) Her physical condition is pretty much ok, got the report yesterday from the mri she had thursday, and there doesnt seem to be any reason for the recurring uti's other than improper wiping. But mentally? She is not my real mom. She some one else. My real mom was much kinder.This old lady is mean and hateful. (the doctors suggestion to me for taking care of the urinary tract infections was to be sure and go in the bathroom with her when she has a bm and do the wiping myself, to be sure it is done properly. One more job added to my already full list.
Any way, all you girls have a beautiful day. Sun is shining and i am off to garage sales. yipppeeee.
Love,
Donna

Dear Peg, good to have you join us, it is a daily struggle just to keep our heads above water sometimes. Took both to their appts. Dad's went well and the therapists were pleased with his progress now its a schedule of 3 days a week in the morning.
Mom's was a different story, on Thursday she told me " don't say anything to the doctor that is going to get him to do something" I said "he's going to do an EKG and you better not lie to him."
At the dr. I got her good, he comes in and shakes my hand then hers and asks her how are you feeling she says"ok" then he looks at me and asks me how she is doing and I said " I was told not to say anything" He didn't like that he told her he is going to ask me and he lit into her about his instuctions that she is not following. Walking is all he has asked her to do, she'll use every excuse and he doesn't buy it. He also said " YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO YOUR DAUGHTER YOU ARE LUCKY TO HAVE SOMEONE THAT CARES ABOUT YOU" she said thats what all the drs. say. I told him thank you and I have made suggestions for her to get more active but I can't make her. she has to go back in 6 months and if she doesn't do as she is told he can refuse to be her doctor.
He made her promise to get a stationary bike and to walk outside and he wants to get her up to 3 miles in a day. Well when we get home " how am I going to walk 3 miles" you do it gradually. Lets bet if she will do it. He also told her she is to use the walker everywhere. I thought in the car on the way home that I was going to be in trouble but she hardly said a word. Today's a beautiful day sent the boys out to clean the garage and mom hasn't took one step outside. oxoxoxo Judy

Hi Ladies. Welcome Peg. I read your posting and feel for you Peg as I also feel for all of us, myself included. A few of you have said that this "mother" you have is not the kinder mother you use to have. Funny thing for me, my mother is actually better then she use to be. My Mother had never been kinder, softer, Hi Ladies. Welcome Peg. I read your posting and feel for you Peg as I also feel for all of us, myself included. A few of you have said that this "mother" you have is not the kinder mother you use to have. Funny thing for me, my mother is actually better then she use to be. My Mother had never been kinder, softer, etc. So, I can't relate to having a less difficult mother. She has always been difficult. I think that having known a nicer mother is a good thing. At least you had a kinder mother once upon a time. I do realize that it doesn't mean much now. But, I can't help longing to have known a kinder Mother. My Mother is 82 (will be 83 in Sept). She has lived with me for nearly 5 months now. Before that she lived with my brother and his family for 6 months and was asked to leave. She then lived in an active senior residence facility (apartments). She lived there for 16 months. The first 7 months I was not in the picture, my brother was. Then she had back surgery in Feb of 2007 and I was back in the picture. For 9 months I took care of her needs while she was at the senior residence. I went there every day sometimes more then once a day. She fell down in the bathroom there in March of 2007 and I brought her into my home for 2 weeks and nurse her back to health but put her back in the residence. Took me almost a year to decide to let her move in permanently with us. My father (whom she will not take care of...and also says her back prevents her from caring for him...which is true to some extent) had lived with us 2 years in June. He has stage 5 altzheimers. He was in a nursing home for 5 months. I rescued him somewhat against her wishes. My mother has little or no patience for my father. They use to fight all the time in their home. She would take a stick or cane and theathen him sometimes. They are doing okay here. I sometimes have to mediate and make sure my mother doesn't make my father agitated i.e. tell my dad to quit peeing on the bathroom floor when he misses..etc...(dad will argue he did not do it...altzheimers) My mother is more movtivated to work things out with me cause she knows from here it would be back to the senior residence and she dislikes it more there. She is afraid to be alone. She had a break-in years ago and is traumatized from it. She also wants to live with family even though she cannot have her ways like she would like. She is controlling and domineering, negative, critical, complaintive, picky, hard to please, depressed. I have to work at handling her emotional needs as well as balancing my own. Dad is fairly easy except when agitated. Thank god, husband is low maintenance. Daughter is away at college. My son passed away two years ago at age 26. Life for sure has not been a crystal staircase. In 2005 I had a knee replacement, my son died and my parents had to sell their house and separate. Mom to brothers, dad to nursing home. Sister use to live with them and she moved in with her boyfriend. Sister and I are estranged she will not help me with parents any longer and wasn't that much help anyways. She promised she would help with dad when I took him out of nursing home. My sister and my mother suffer from big emotional/mental/personality problems. I do believe that my sister and mother both have BPD (borderline personality disorder). This is when they can be real sweet and then turn on a dime and be the most evil mean people. My sister is worse. She never did deal well with my son's death. She believes that she can communicate with him and that has caused me recent grief because she talks about him and with him all the time. One thing we all have in common is that we struggle. I have a difficult time telling my mother how I feel and worry about her taking it badly and then treating me badly. But, I have been able to talk to her even though I have been scared and like I said she is taking it better but it is still not easy. There are days I want to scream and wonder how much longer?? She is so healthy as far as diet etc..she could outlive me. I am very overweight. I eat emotionally and am thinking about a gastric bypass in the future. I am diabetic and it isn't where it should be so having the bypass they say will help me. I brought my mother in cause I knew she would suffer the least here and have the best care. This way mom and dad would live in closer proximity even though they have little connection. There is history and we are family. My brother helps as far as managing their financial affairs but that is it. My mother allows me $80.00 a week or 8 hours a week or caregiver fees. I had to fight for that. I convinced her with my brother's help that if I didn't have at least that I would not survive and could not continue to take care of dad and her. I often times supplement the caregiver fees so I can go with husband sometimes. I go by myself during the week so I can get away and grieve my son (which will always be continuous) and just not have to take care of anyone but me for a few hours. Also, sometimes I might go to lunch with a gf. Before I took my parents in I was very social. I often have to miss things that my friends do together as couples now that their kids are grown and gone. Anyways we all have our levels of difficulty, problems, woes, suffering, pain, depressions. I feel for us all. I am thankful that there is now a place to be able to share these feeling besides with my husband and occasionally with my counselor. You all can truly understand because you live it too. Well, that is my story..Love and God Bless you all.
Also, Peg...it is not okay for your mother to beat or hit you.
Cindietc. So, I can't relate to having a less difficult mother. She has always been difficult. I think that having known a nicer mother is a good thing. At least you had a kinder mother once upon a time. I do realize that it doesn't mean much now. But, I can't help longing to have known a kinder Mother. My Mother is 82 (will be 83 in Sept). She has lived with me for nearly 5 months now. Before that she lived with my brother and his family for 6 months and was asked to leave. She then lived in an active senior residence facility (apartments). She lived there for 16 months. The first 7 months I was not in the picture, my brother was. Then she had back surgery in Feb of 2007 and I was back in the picture. For 9 months I took care of her needs while she was at the senior residence. I went there every day sometimes more then once a day. She fell down in the bathroom there in March of 2007 and I brought her into my home for 2 weeks and nurse her back to health but put her back in the residence. Took me almost a year to decide to let her move in permanently with us. My father (whom she will not take care of...and also says her back prevents her from caring for him...which is true to some extent) had lived with us 2 years in June. He has stage 5 altzheimers. He was in a nursing home for 5 months. I rescued him somewhat against her wishes. My mother has little or no patience for my father. They use to fight all the time in their home. She would take a stick or cane and theathen him sometimes. They are doing okay here. I sometimes have to mediate and make sure my mother doesn't make my father agitated i.e. tell my dad to quit peeing on the bathroom floor when he misses..etc...(dad will argue he did not do it...altzheimers) My mother is more movtivated to work things out with me cause she knows from here it would be back to the senior residence and she dislikes it more there. She is afraid to be alone. She had a break-in years ago and is traumatized from it. She also wants to live with family even though she cannot have her ways like she would like. She is controlling and domineering, negative, critical, complaintive, picky, hard to please, depressed. I have to work at handling her emotional needs as well as balancing my own. Dad is fairly easy except when agitated. Thank god, husband is low maintenance. Daughter is away at college. My son passed away two years ago at age 26. Life for sure has not been a crystal staircase. In 2005 I had a knee replacement, my son died and my parents had to sell their house and separate. Mom to brothers, dad to nursing home. Sister use to live with them and she moved in with her boyfriend. Sister and I are estranged she will not help me with parents any longer and wasn't that much help anyways. She promised she would help with dad when I took him out of nursing home. My sister and my mother suffer from big emotional/mental/personality problems. I do believe that my sister and mother both have BPD (borderline personality disorder). This is when they can be real sweet and then turn on a dime and be the most evil mean people. My sister is worse. She never did deal well with my son's death. She believes that she can communicate with him and that has caused me recent grief because she talks about him and with him all the time. One thing we all have in common is that we struggle. I have a difficult time telling my mother how I feel and worry about her taking it badly and then treating me badly. But, I have been able to talk to her even though I have been scared and like I said she is taking it better but it is still not easy. There are days I want to scream and wonder how much longer?? She is so healthy as far as diet etc..she could outlive me. I am very overweight. I eat emotionally and am thinking about a gastric bypass in the future. I am diabetic and it isn't where it should be so having the bypass they say will help me. I brought my mother in cause I knew she would suffer the least here and have the best care. This way mom and dad would live in closer proximity even though they have little connection. There is history and we are family. My brother helps as far as managing their financial affairs but that is it. My mother allows me $80.00 a week or 8 hours a week or caregiver fees. I had to fight for that. I convinced her with my brother's help that if I didn't have at least that I would not survive and could not continue to take care of dad and her. I often times supplement the caregiver fees so I can go with husband sometimes. I go by myself during the week so I can get away and grieve my son (which will always be continuous) and just not have to take care of anyone but me for a few hours. Also, sometimes I might go to lunch with a gf. Before I took my parents in I was very social. I often have to miss things that my friends do together as couples now that their kids are grown and gone. Anyways we all have our levels of difficulty, problems, woes, suffering, pain, depressions. I feel for us all. I am thankful that there is now a place to be able to share these feeling besides with my husband and occasionally with my counselor. You all can truly understand because you live it too. Well, that is my story..Love and God Bless you all.
Also, Peg...it is not okay for your mother to beat or hit you.
Cindi

Donna,

Been thinking about what you wrote. Does mother pay for the house or is it yours? If it is your home and she lives with you I don't see why you can't have your male friend move in. You want him to he wants to...he helps you and is a comfort to you. Why is Mom the boss??? Unless she owns the home and you live with her then it gets a bit sticky. I say have a talk with her, and go for it! Good Luck...

Cindi

Hi Friends!

Sorry for the double posting. Makes it difficult to understand. I had trouble sumitting my posting. Happens to me sometimes, I think I write too much and there is time limit or something. There is something I forgot to mention. I said only part of the reason against all odds of why I take care of my mom. The second part is because I love her. Even knowing how she is and can be. There is some goodness in her. She is my Mother. She raised me with all my goodness and my flaws. Some of which I took from her...and some of my emotional difficulties because I was raised by her. As long as I can tolerate, cope, and handle my mother as well as my father, they can stay with us. But, if my mother is blatantly and uncaringly and consciously hurting me, causing me great pain then I may have to decide otherwise. I would first talk to her before doing that. I do not anticipate having to go to those measures. There is a part of us that has and needs to continue to rise above all of this...and be even more spiritual and compassionate, understanding then our mothers could ever be. This will make us better people I believe. But, if it takes too much of us and from us. If we are mentally and emotionally and physically suffering greatly then we have to take a step back and review the situation. In that case I do believe that not taking care of them in our home might be the best thing. There are other ways of taking care of them. If it is making us sick then we may have to resort to the other ways.

Cindi, I did read once about you losing your son. How much can one person endure? If you don't mind me asking, what happened? If you don't want to talk about it, I will understand. You have lost the most precious thing anyone can lose and still have the strength to take care of your parents. I think you are a very strong person. Being in the condition I am in now, I can't imagine your grief. God has blessed you with unbelievable strength.

Donna, you too, losing your husband and continuing on with your mother. I think I would have just thrown in the towel. Ya'll are much stronger than me. And let your guy friend move in no matter what. If she wants you to take care of her, she has to let you be happy. It seems your guy friend is very nice to her and doesn't mind her being there, so go for it. Be Happy!!

I feel guilty for feeling the way I do, with what you girls have endured beside the illnesses of your parents. Donna, what did your husband die from? and again,will understand if you don't want to talk about it.

Love to all, Marylynne

P.S. nauseated from taking the Lexapro, but trying to make it through the initial two weeks to kick in. Wish me luck. Any one knows if Lexapro makes you gain weight?

Marylynne, I take Lexopro 10 mg. I use to be on 20 mg but had decreased dosage right before my son passed away. After going through his death I decided that I would need to be on something for life. So, I continue the 10 mg thinking maybe a lower dose won't be so bad. I had considered increasing to 20mg. As far as gaining weight. I don't think it has that effect but not sure because as I said I am overweight. My son, Darius took his life. He battled drug addiction. We had him in rehab and he put himself many times. I loved my son dearly but could not help him help himself. I belong to a support group called Compassionate Friends it is for people who have lost their child...no matter what age they were. I had my son when I was almost 20. I did not marry his biological father. He was my first boyfriend and we had our relationship troubles. My parents took care of me and him so I could go to a vocational nursing school. My mother took care of my son while I went to school and worked part time as a waitress. My mother also was a waitress at the same restaurant (she got me my job when I was 16). My son was the love of my life. I married at age 26 and had my daughter at age 29. My husband adopted my son when our daughter was born. My son never had a relationship with his biological father who quit seeing him when he was 1 or 2. I still do blame myself for failing my son. I did try everything in my power and what I knew to help him. I believe although I tried to be a good mother there was much I did not know seeing that I was not parented well emotionally. Perhaps, I didn't do some things right, maybe I was too overprotective..etc..critical who knows. Long story. He took his life early one morning overlooking the beach which we both loved. He hung himself from a lifeguard tower with his belt. I will never forget the day the cornoner came to my house in the morning and told me my son had died. Yes, I have been through alot..my life has not been no crystal stairway. But, I am sure we have all had our own share of pain, suffering and joy. What made it hard yet was at the same time a godsend was that my father needed me 3 months later when he became ill and was diagnosed with altzheimers. I have not had proper time to grieve. So, I do it in between the lines. Crying now as I write this. I love my family. I had been the peacemaker in the family. I believe I keep this family...this crazy family together. I have been told I am a strong person by people before. But, I really don't know what that means. I guess I don't own it. I just keep on keeping on. I pray, and I try to be a good spiritual person. I know my son was suffering here on this earth. He couldn't do life here. He no longer suffers and that is what gets me through. But as his mother I miss him and will always have a void empty place in my heart that aches for him. He has two children, girls ages 6 and 5 I do get to see them. My daughter and my husband are also a comfort to me. You all are a comfort to me. I do believe that losing a child in way up there on the scale of worse things to happen to people in this life. Marylynne, no reason to feel guilty you also have your pain. Love, hug and cherish those children. I have something to look forward to when I get to heaven...I will be with my son. It makes the fear of dying much less. My mother has always been afraid of dying. I have a feeling that it is up to me to help her now with the life she has left here and with the process of dying in the future. May sound strange but that is what I feel. It is a big challenge but one that I have chosen. I just pray I will be able to do it. God Bless all you ladies.

Cindi

Cindi, You are truly a beautiful person. Thank you for your story, I appreciate knowing more about you and feel a great closeness to you. Your mother and my mother are so very much alike that it is scary. My mother too, is afraid of dying, think thats why she goes to the doctor so much. Love you, Marylynne

Marylynne,
You are so kind. Thank you very much. I guess I wanted you all to know me more. Would love to know you all more too. Yes, our mothers are very much alike. So we both kind of know what road we have travelled. You seem to be a very nice, sweet, kind loving person...I am so glad to know you here..

Love,
Cindi

Hi Girls: No Postings to read what's a girl suppose to do! Well today was relatively smooth. Mom had a dentist appt for her denture again. I also had a dentist appt for a cleaning (ugh, dislike the dentist always hurts). At least I am taking care of myself. Took mom to the garden store. Brought lunch in for parents and myself. Took dad out to breakfast, mom stayed home. Ordered a gardening chair for mom. All went out to dinner, Japanese. Both parents ate well. That always makes me feel good. Got home late for them, 9:00. Tomorrow appt for mom at opthalmologist...recheck on that eye infection. Dad was doing a lot of mumbling in the car today..wondering if he is getting worse

Dear Ladies -
You are heroes - do you know that? You have such courage! All the sorrows you have suffered, and yet you have compassion for your elderly parents. I will pray for each of you.

Yes, I know my mother shouldn't beat me - and it is so unlike her. My mother was always hard-working and dedicated to me,and never approved of violence, but I can't say she was warm and loving, it just wasn't in her. (Thank God, I had a wonderful relationship with my maternal grandmother, and she was very warm and loving, and gave good hugs, too.)
In my case, she really has NO one else in the world except me. My father is still alive and has more physical problems, but is still very mentally sharp and active. But they separated when I was a child. He has sent her allimony checks to this very day and keeps her covered in medical insurance. But she hates him with a passion. All her life, in her mind, he left home yesterday (what I mean by that is the "emotional wound" - if there is such a term - is very fresh. Like if you scrape your arm and every time a scab starts to form, you scratch it off.)

She beat me a few nights ago. The police came, and again they did nothing. And I really don't want her arrested and put in jail - heaven forbid.
Tonight I got home from work a little after midnight, as usual, and she was beyond drunk - she was "poluted"! I have never seen her SO drunk. She just fell into her bed, and I hope she stays there till morning. I can't believe her body is strong enough to put up with alcohol this long! I'd hate to think what her liver looks like.

Dear God, help us all!
love,
Peg

Dear Peg, thank you for your compliments to us all. You too are complimented for taking care of your mother. I do believe there are other ways your mother can be taken care of as well as you taking care of you. Seems like mother is taking all her bad feelings out on you and that is not fair or right especially when you are giving up so much to take care of her. There are people that can counsel you on how you can do this. Do you have the power to put her in a assisted living facility? Can she afford it? I mean her beating you is too much, not right and by staying in that situation you are enabling her to continue the behavior. You don't want your mother in jail. But maybe a few days there would shake her up. Or, better yet you not being in the position where she can do this. Sounds like Mother is an alcoholic and if not close to it. I'm sure you already know all this. Just up to you on how much you are willing to take. Sounds like all our mothers have one thing in common. They are not happy with themselves or their lives. Don't think they were ever happy but now that they are older and more helpless it has taken it's toll and it's no holds bar as to how they behave. We are all trying to take care of them as well as handle their emotional/mental problems. But, I do think there is a time where enough is enough and we find a way to have them taken care of as best we can (much of how they do will depend on how they choose to behave and cope) if they are so mean and cruel they we cannot take care of them as we would like. They may have to go somewhere else and we take care of them from afar. It is up to them really. Or, we allow them to treat us badly, beat us, taking out all their emotional problems on us. We mustn't allow them to do this to us. I mean they have to make some consorted effort. My mother is no way perfect but she does try. Even when she tries I still have to put up with a whole lot but if she should make me have a harder time then I already have...by being cruel to me outright cruel...then she would have to go somewhere else. And, I would have to see to her needs as best I could, but she wouldn't be living with me. That is where I am at now. I do realize some of us are not there yet...and some of us might never be. I still will be here supporting you no matter what. Just hurts to know the pain of it all. It isn't fair for our mother's to take their unhappiness out of us especially when we are trying to help. Just not right...not our job to meet their emotional needs dangit. What do we do with our needs??? How can we go on if we don't have our needs met too? What is to become of us?

Cindi, I love you, AMEN!!!
Love, Marylynne

Good Morning Ladies. Marylynne you are so funny! Love you all too. No appts today, yeah! Actually have nothing scheduled. Turns out mom has an eye infection that is caused by the herpes virus. Dr says it is 80% healed. Has to go back in 2 weeks. She has alot of trouble with the herpes virus in her system but never went to her eye. Didn't know it could go there. Dr said caused by being depressed, sick etc. Told husband this am that I am tired of doing all this. Tired of planning meals, cooking them, shopping, stressing over what to make. Made a ham last night for dinner, cucumber salad and macaroni salad, of course rice. Mom stir fried some veggies. She ate rice, cucumber salad and tomato slices (bought her two big juicy tomatoes her request)...She wouldn't touch the ham. Often times when I cook dinner that is lots she won't eat then I have to worry what else to feed her or bring in from restaurant. Husband told me to terminate get rid of parents then I won't have that hardship. I said I can't do that. He said why not. I said I just can't. I think my own issues are weighing heavy on me so the parents are just another thing. Will pray and trudge on....Hope you all have a good/smooth day. Hugs Cindi

Ladies,
I read a post under a different category and have some good news that may help. I know that I have usedit myself, but think this clarifies it more. Also, the book might be very good. Here goes...(this posting was under frustrated daughter)

I just saw a book entitled "Elder Rage" by Jacqueline Marcell on another post. She said that we have to start start setting some boundaries and use behavior modification, which will be very effective.

She said that we first need the “Jacqueline Marcell Emotional Shield.” Put it on every day and then don’t let anything that they say bother you. Allow all of the negativity to bounce right off you. Then after they make a nasty comment, or do something out of line, say calmly, “Oh Mom or Dad, I love you, but that wasn’t very nice to say. You know, when you are ready to talk nicely to me—I’ll be back”. And then just leave the room. No arguing, no yelling, no attitude, just set your boundary EVERY time.

If you do this enough, they'll start to get it. And then most importantly, when they are being nice to you, be sure to acknowledge it, give compliments, throw in a gentle touch, hug or kiss—and you will be sure to get lots more of that behavior.

i am sick to death of this site just like the rest of my life. i have written several postings and cannot get them to go thru

Cindi - thanks for your response - yea, I know I shouldn't be beaten. no, a couple days in jail would only make her more angry and ready to blame me. And my needs went out the window years ago.

I will look in the library for that book you found - Elder Rage - I'd like to read it.

And my mother and I have visited senior living residences - they seem to be two types: 1, sell the house to pay the entrance fee and monthly fee (which she could do if she sold the house)and be taken care of hand and foot, or 2.have such a low income that she could have a really cheap apartment. Since the deed is in her name, my only option is to move out and get an apartment, and leave her to sink or swim. She doesn't cook anymore, and can't write her own checks, etc. I have been told that if I can't take it and have to move, I should call Adult Protective Services, and they will send someone in to make sure she eats, etc. But I don't know if they would have enough people to be able to do all the things I do.

too tired tonight to think anymore - the Tylenol PM is kicking in and I'm getting sleepy. hope she sleeps all night.

Peg