Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

Dear Dare,

It's too late, already did the addition and already wanting to throw them out. Can't take it any more, I lost my sanity TODAY!!!!!

Thanks for the input, I kind of new it was the wrong thing before I did it, but felt like I had to try.

Love,
Marylynne

mlv
your stuck just me you now have no option but to deal. sometimes i just want to vanish it is so difficult i don't knwo witch way to turn i am losing my mind. each day will suck more and more wish i had a more positive attiude

Dear Dare,

That's the problem, I know I am stuck now. I have tried so many anti-depressants to pull me out of this. None work for me. I have a super fast heart beat that the meds just make it worse.

I lost my sanity yesterday and trying to recoop today.

I also, want to vanish and am starting to think about it. I have a 12 year old daughter and a 21 year old daughter that would be devastated if I fall apart.

Love,
marylynne

Hi Marylynne -

Have you tried adult daycare? That's helping my sanity (if I have any left). Good luck -
Lira

mlv
my kids is what keeps me alive they are 20,15,14 they try to joke to keep me smiling. i also have high blood pressure, buldging disc and a deteriating disc and can't get them fixed cause of taking care of her. i went to the grocery store and sat in the parking lot for a while of course i was only 10 minutes away but i could have stayed there forever pitiful huh well it's feeding time for the next hour. hang in there.
love Ricki

sjohnson... man, it sounds like a repeat of my own mother. You can't impose socialization on her if she refuses. However, what I would do is talk to the doctor about the possibility of depression. For my mom, the depression started 4 years ago when dad had a stroke and her world was turned upside down. She could not accept that life was no longer about her. She became depressed, isolated, took the phone off the hook for about 99% of the day. She would not answer the door, would throw food away that people brought over, and literally began starving she and my father.

You need to discuss what options are available for your mother. My mom's care started when she did her first hospital run (for attention, not because she was sick), and it landed her in the geriatric psych unit. Believe it or not, this became a blessing in a HUGE disguise.

They discovered a main pattern for my mother which helped me to find how to treat her. My mom's areas of control that my mom had lost since my dad's stroke had left her with severe major depression (being suicidal). The isolation may be a part of her lifestyle from even being a child or it could be a cause of psychological issues. Definitely define your questions to the doctor and look for patterns in your mother's behavior. It certainly can't hurt.

I discussed depression with my moms doctor to with her in the room she said she wasn't depressed. She has no friends makes no attempt to participate even when I invite people over she just gets gussied up and sits in her chair like its a throne and when everyone is gone its like well those people don't even talk to you well if they did she couldn't hear them, one person she sat next to over the holidays and wanted to discuss back pain she knows it no longer works with me I hurt from my neck to my toes, two types of arthritis deteriorating discs the list goes on pop some pills and keep on trucking. Well that didn't work out for her because the person told her she didn't have any more back pain since the doctor told her to exercise and now since she started exercising the back pain went away, Moms exercise hand to mouth or press the button on the remote control. Does this bother anyone else, ?? change the channel every two minutes It drives me nuts find something for heavens sake and watch it! I bought my husband a 42" flat screen last year for Christmas and she acts like she is doing us a favor by telling us here watch what you want and she pushes the remote towards you. She has a tv in her room there is one in the living room My husband is on the road all week well part of the week now his hours or days were cut and thats his only relaxation therefore, the gift, Its never a dull moment is it?

I discussed depression with my moms doctor to with her in the room she said she wasn't depressed. She has no friends makes no attempt to participate even when I invite people over she just gets gussied up and sits in her chair like its a throne and when everyone is gone its like well those people don't even talk to you well if they did she couldn't hear them, one person she sat next to over the holidays and wanted to discuss back pain she knows it no longer works with me I hurt from my neck to my toes, two types of arthritis deteriorating discs the list goes on pop some pills and keep on trucking. Well that didn't work out for her because the person told her she didn't have any more back pain since the doctor told her to exercise and now since she started exercising the back pain went away, Moms exercise hand to mouth or press the button on the remote control. Does this bother anyone else, ?? change the channel every two minutes It drives me nuts find something for heavens sake and watch it! I bought my husband a 42" flat screen last year for Christmas and she acts like she is doing us a favor by telling us here watch what you want and she pushes the remote towards you. She has a tv in her room there is one in the living room My husband is on the road all week well part of the week now his hours or days were cut and thats his only relaxation therefore, the gift, Its never a dull moment is it? Oh, to get to the point she threw the anti depressants away said she wasn't depressed, but has no interaction with anyone but me and now she doesn't even talk to me unless she wants to criticize what I am wearing or tell me how the dog chases the cat because she must have hit him with her paw.

Like BRClark (Jan 5), I have it easier than a lot of people who post here. And like ShadyLdy, I've got a control freak mom I sometimes despise. Last September, I sold everything I own, quit my cushy job, and moved from a beautiful place in Oregon back to my parent's small home in a tiny desert town in the dusty middle of no-where, Texas, to help care for them.

My dad was supposed to have double knee-replacement surgery, which was my primary reason for moving at the time, but the surgery was cancelled after he failed the required pre-surgery heart check-up. He is 86 and very easy going and is no problem to care for.

My mother, on the other hand, is a negative, critical, gloom

Dear Girls:

This has had to be one of the worse weeks of my life. The counselor that I go to has told me that I have to speak what is on my mind in order to get it out in the open. Well, little by little I have been doing that.

Tuesday, I spokke my mind about a few things to my mom and wound up in bed all day from feeling guilty. Thursday, it happened again. It seems I have to measure my words with my mother and everything I say is always wrong. Well I just had it and told her off a to z. I wound up in bed again all day. I actually dehydrated from eating or drinking nothing.

Today, it happened again, I went in her room and told her that her sarcastic nature is what is giving me a nervous breakdown. She said she was born sarcastic, which to me is just another sarcastic remark. I told her that If she could curb her sarcastic quips that maybe, I could get along better with her. She said I never minded it before. I told her, I do now. I really cannot take this life any more. I can't keep my mouth shut when she aggravates me because it is eating me alive.

Please give some advice. Dying here.

Love,
Marylynne

Your counselor was right. All that stuff you keep inside is a poison to your inner being. Sometimes you can be honest but not totally going off

Hi everyone, this is neon, Honey I am a sarcastic person, sometimes in anger most of the time in humor. But I can not be sarcastic if I choose not to. Yes, I was born sarcastic, I am just like my dad was. But a person can think before they spit it out. Unless, of course, you mom has dementia or something else in that category because I think that spans a wide variety of symptoms, like logical thinking, which my mom does not have. Yes, get it out don't keep it in, Try not to get angry just make it a matter of fact. than go do something you like, whip up a meal, go for a walk, staying in bed is depression, let them give you something to help you I take tranxene. One in the morning one at night I call it my happy pill, if I don't take it I could become a criminal. Its a low dosage, I can function successfully and it doesn't make me sleepy but I gotta have it. Don't do yourself in because of your mother, before you know it she will be gone, at least that's what I'm telling myself, she's got 22 years on me and unless I have a freak accident or a heart attack I think I'll make it. Take care and mitzi I'm still thinking for something funny have a good day everyone.

Marylynne you have to find a way to let go of all that guilt. Can your counselor help you learn to "speak your mind" to your mother on an adult to adult level without the guilt or anger attached? If you can learn to communicate what you need and expect from her apart from the fact that she's your mother and there's baggage and issues attached in a calm, matter-of-fact way there would be no cause for you to heap guilt on yourself. An expectation of a peaceful home and a healthy adult relationship with your mother is no cause for guilt on your part so don't fall for it. I know your counselor can give you the tools you need to get there and I am praying for you!

try 2... Your counselor was right. All that stuff you keep inside is a poison to your inner being. Sometimes you can be honest but not totally going off, sometimes you just can't help going off on your mom. (I almost went to choke the smart into my mom at one point I was so mad.) Now those emotions are coming out physically when you deal with the confrontation. My counselor told me three things he now understood after he met my mother (for in-house counseling) 1. He understands the way I am, and
2. you can't get blood from a stone 3. You can love someone but you don't have to like them. GREAT! So I learned, I'll do what needs to be done because she is mom, but I can't expect for her now to get emotions she's never had unless God heals that and my mom allows for that healing to happen. It doesn't make it any easier emotionally

Girls,

Thanks, I needed to see these comments this morning to get me thru the day.

Love,
marylynne

Hi Everyone
needed to vent so thought I would come here besides journaling about it. Mother just irritated the hell out of me. I bought her gambling crap like I do EVERY single day. Well, I got holy hell when I gave it to her. She starts saying what is the matter with you Cynthia, where is your mind? Why didn't the guy remember to give you my forms, where are my forms? Why didn't I win money, you must have given me the wrong results yesterday. Then she makes this crazy motion with her hands as she is tellimg me all this. Mimicking how I am losing my mind. So, later I go back to the Gas station and ask the guy for her forms back. He gives them to me and says yeah, I forgot to give it to you. I say to him, yeah, she is having at tizzy fit. I proceed to buy her 3 scratchers. So, I get home and guess what? She starts in on me again for only buying her 3 scratchers instead of 5! She said you know I told you that when I buy only 3 I don't win anything but when I get 5 I get something. I tell you well I thought I hear you say 3. Then she starts talking about how I am forgetting everything cause I have too much on my mind (meaning my daughter's 21st birthday today.) You know I am to put her first above all else and if I dare think of others I better get all her business completely perfect. When this crap happens it makes me so tired. I told her I am doing my best I have a lot on my mind. She says yeah, I know. I then tell her I am doing my best, if my best is not good enough I am sorry..but it's all I can do. Maybe you should get my brother to do it, then I leave. Today is my daughter's 21st birthday. She's been home since Friday with her bf of course...cause she doesn't drive herself anywhere. I have had them both here...and my parents, husband daughter bf and I went to Disneyland in Anaheim yesterday for part of daughter's celebration and I am dead beat..she gets to rest I get to cook etc..all day doing something first time I sat down to rest today..and now I have to go and do the GD dinner. Granddaughters, and their mother are coming over. What am I everybody's monkey? Always doing and entertaining others? Everyone wants a piece of me. And, Im not talking sex here..Hah! As if...anyone wants me...as if I want anyone, as if I want sex for goodness sakes! That is a whole other story..lol. Tired of being the monkey..and having monkeys on my back going push them the hell off soon..Need a BREAKKKKKKKKkkkkkkkkkkkk.

On another note..hope you all are having a better day then me..
We have a new president...yeahhhhhhhhh

Hugs
Me Cindi the monkey you know.

Love you Cindi. Yes, I thought about writing to you about our new president but I was in the hospital with my daughter, she had surgery today and now is home. Everything went well, thank God.

Maria,
glad your daughter's surgery went well.

TC
Cindi

My mother has advanced COPD. She has to be on oxygen almost 100% of the time. She turns 76 in March. She has lived with us for 2 years. I have gone through all the anger, guilt, frustration, sadness, etc., over and over. Due to her very low energy levels, all she does is read, watch tv, and do crossword puzzles. Her social life keeps shrinking because she doesn't have the energy to go out much. She still insists on keeping her car, but since she is down to driving no more than 5 miles per month, I am on the verge of putting my foot down and saying she is not safe on the road. She was never a good driver to start with, and she has to be on oxygen when she drives, and she takes her dog in the car, and the car runs badly due to age and lack of maintenance before we moved her in with us. Just not safe. I refuse to drive her around for errands because in the past she would just keep adding on more and more "favors," errands, etc. I absolutely hate shopping and she knows it. I tried in the past to get her to consolidate her errands and pick a specific day for me to run her around, but she simply wouldn't do that. Instead, it was always, "as long as you are going out, would you mind stopping and getting....?" Or, "as long as you are going out, would you mind taking me to Longs...?" Yes, mother, I do mind. If you would write on the grocery list the things you need from Longs and give me some money for them, I will get them the next time I go out, but I have a @#$%@@ life too and I'm not going to tack on an extra hour of errands for you just as I'm going out the door because you never bother to think ahead or write something down. I do say, as does my husband, "I'm going to the grocery store. Is there anything you need?"
I take care of the house, do her laundry, cook all the meals, change her bed and oxygen hoses, feed her dog and let him out, drop her off and pick her up if necessary on one of her rare social outings, take care of the giant yard that she kept buying plants for and then telling my husband to please dig up more lawn so they could be planted (the yard is now so involved it takes me hours every week to maintain, because she planted stuff that needs lots of care but can't even water the plants on the porch anymore).
She is a complete slob, eating on her bed and the couch all the time, leaving lots of cracker crumbs, bits of chocolate from her candy bars, her room is a disaster but I refuse to straighten it up unless she leaves, because she is impossible to work with (she once had a screaming hissy fit because I put a couple of year-old bill receipts in the shredder without consulting her, and she got really pissy the last time I did a thorough straightening of her room because i threw away some little torn, dirty piece of paper on the floor that was apparently something she wanted). She won't take a bath, often going weeks without one (we just restarted homecare aid to get her bathed after I threw up my hands and walked out of the room when the visiting nurse asked me how the baths were going. Mom had to admit to her that she hadn't had a bath in three weeks). Her idea of washing her hands is to rub her fingers together under the faucet and then dab them on a towel. Everything she touches is dirty (toothpaste lid, dog food container, toothbrush, comb, etc) from her dirty hands. At least she's down to only sneaking about 1 cigarette a day because she's had two COPD flare-ups this winter. The last one we thought was walking pneumonia but it turned out to be her disease progressing. She has constant problems with constipation due to no exercise and eating crackers and candy bars all day. I BRING her all of her meals (to her bedroom or the couch) because she can't be bothered to eat when we eat unless I put it into her hands. She's losing weight again due to the conflict between eating and breathing (she weighs 86 pounds). The nurse wants her checked for anemia to see if that is contributing to her lack of energy.
I actually left town for a month (december) because I was on the verge of a breakdown, leaving my poor husband to do all the stuff I usually do. The break helped a lot, but all the frustration is building up again just weeks after I got back, especially as I see her disease advancing more rapidly.
My husband finally convinced her that it would be to everybody's benefit if she spent a couple of months at my sister's home in Alaska (where my mother was born). When we first moved her in with us she informed me that she was not going up there anymore because it was too much work to make the trip. In the same breath she invited herself AGAIN on my husband and my delayed honeymoon in Mexico that will happen in a couple of years, even having the audacity to try to make us change the time of year we were going because of her preferences. I told her in no uncertain terms that she was NOT EVER going to go on our honeymoon with us so get over it. She insisted that the only time she would bother to travel again was to Mexico. Sooo....refused to spend time in Alaska with her two other daughters and her last two surviving sisters because it was too much hassle, but all aboard for Mexico!! (shopping and margaritas)
She has ruined Christmas for me, which I used to love, because she wants me to create HER scripted xmas, which involves me doing all the work of decorating, baking cookies, packing and mailing all her packages, running her around for shopping, cooking xmas dinner, etc. I completely missed xmas this year during my trip to get away from her, because when I told her I was not going to make xmas cookies this year she got all pissed off (last year she bugged me to save her some of the special cookies I make my older sister most years as her only gift, only to let them sit and go stale, which really made my husband mad). She has a thing about wasting food by waiting until it is really really old. Then she yells at me when I throw it away because it is stale or not safe to eat. She had serious problems two years ago before we moved her in because she was eating spoiled food all the time. Got down to 79 pounds and ended up in the hospital twice. We moved her in to make sure she eats safe food all of the time off of clean dishes (I had to wash every dish in her house multiple times to get them clean again because she washes dishes the way she washes her hands. ). She had gotten so lazy back then that if friends came by the first thing she would ask was, "would you mind taking my dog out to pee?" All she did was sit in her dark apartment, writing her novel and chain smoking, drinking margaritas and eating spoiled food. It almost killed her. I tried for a while, before we moved away for 2 years, to take care of her in her own place, but when I would go over to give her food she would yell at me for throwing away spoiled food in the fridge and then she would light up a cigarette when I was there, knowing that I cannot STAND being around cigarette smoke (I am the only member of my family that never smoked. Both parents dying of COPD, older sister will be next. Little sister quit).
As you can see, I am frustrated and angry most of the time. Been working on relaxation, letting things go, etc.

I swanee it sounds like my mother except for the weight, It is to the point if I see one more ham sandwich and a candy bar I am going to blow my mind. You are absolutely right,tripod, it is your honeymoon. I used to work at a florist well three to be exact, one of them specialized in weddings, I hated weddings, the mothers thought they had more say than the brides because they usually paid for the flowers, One day a little bride called and said I don't care what my mother said or ordered this is what I want. It is my wedding not hers. I said you go girl. I have a very controlling mother who lives with me. Thinks she's the queen or something, the silliest of tv programs, now she is coloring which is fine and blowing bubbles in her room fine doesn't clean, or bath or all of the above. I choose to make sure she is warm, fed safe and leave the rest to God. I have told her if you don't wash and you have to go to the hospital you will get MRSA that grows on your skin anyway but without washing properly you probably have a build up.?? She refuses to use a stool in the tub, she refuses to use the pottie in her room at night so I said okay you fall you go to the nursing home. I will take care of you and love you which is very hard, and thats a whole other book, but there is a limit and when you are so stubborn it has to be your way you go girl. Everytime I take her shopping I look at the counter and think death by chocolate or death by sodium, pick one she has high BP. But she won't listen to me or her doctor so what is the point? There are just some things you cannot control and me not a controlling person to begin with because she has always been so controlling well do it your way. But there ain't know way Jose if I get to take a vacation this year that woman is going with me. I haven't had one in five years getting old myself me 60 she 82 and she's in better shape than me but if I could sit watch tv, eat bonbons and never put my hands in water or vacuum and have medicare take care of my medical bills I'd have it made, I choose to work and if I can't afford the meds I can't afford them I take 10 to her 4 no lie. well I'm out of 4 do you think she would give me the money to get them no her candy and her lottery cards are more important to her. If I had someone to help I would just have them come to my place take my trip and deal with the reprocussions when I got back and in my house you don't have much say especially when you don't want to talk to me anyway My mother is hard of hearing I will say is your room warm enough and she will say okay maybe tomorrow?? so its best not to get myself frustrated on the other hand I don't want her to think I'm ignoring her either. Catch 22.

dear girls,
nothing changes, other than me. i have felt so bad since the first of december, that i rarely even talk to mom. i wish i could get away, i think depression is my main problem, but, i have not got the luxury of being able to leave. havent left her over night since last february i sympathize with all of u. luvya,Donna

The hardest thing is to set boundaries. I don't know what it is. Some things matter, but in the scope of it some don't. I know my mother used to manipulate the situation to beg me to quit my job to watch her sleep and be a doormat. If she would have been fair about errands, etc, and not such a bitch when I was growing up, I think things would have been different, but I learned to put a hard outer shell on, and it got even harder for the boundaries within the last year, but it had to be done and it had to be consequences I could live with.

I remember when my mom and dad were first moved into assisted living, and mom came straight from her second hospital run into a new environment. I know things were a change for her, and I knew how difficult it would be but she wanted assisted living. Thing is for her lifetime she could never face her choices.

She was laying on the couch one day with her drama and she started making digs about how I still needed to quit my job (for what purpose now I'd never know) but it had to be for her. She was getting nasty.... I leaned over the couch and all I remember is that I had my hands out ready to strangle her, and I ended up shaking my finger at her and told her flat out, "I think I've proven to you that I will not give up my life for your games. Deal with it and grow up already." and I stormed out of their apartment.

Even bathing was an issue of control for her. The assisted living kept calling me and I just said I don't know what to tell you. If I wanted to care for her like this, she'd be at home and I'd save some money. I told them, eventually she'll get tired of stinking (because she's a perfectionist), and she'll bathe. I said if they had to they could use the Health Department as an excuse if necessary.

All I know is I thank God every day for being adopted and not being from this same bloodline between my mother and father. Sounds crazy and down-right disrespectful, but so true.

Perhaps we need to just learn where our boundary is. Where can we let things lie as a result of them not doing. Consequences can be harsh, fatal (if they choose not to eat), and flat out annoying, but in the end.... do we really want the statistics of the caregiver to be true in our lives?

Even my mom's nails (she refused any manicure anything) and they were NASTY.... I haven't seen her in a month. I sent a person to go to their apartment and offer manicure to my mother, she kept refusing. I didn't come. I heard through a family member that mom finally had a manicure... WOW! Let her stew in her own juices. Maybe its time to consider assisted living if a parent is getting that out of hand? Just a thought and I know not always a reality.

To all my friends here:

I know I haven't been here for awhile. Looks like I'm not the only one...ha ha. Just wanted you all to know that I go in for surgery on February 10th. I am anxious yet hopeful. Hiring a caregiver to stay with dad and mom for the two days they expect me to be at the hospital. The hospital is almost 2 hours away from my home. Once I return home I am not to lift etc so we have hired caregiver for 5 hours a day so she can do for my father. Don't know how dinner is going to go. Probably sometimes my mom will cook. I won't ask her to though cause she would have tizzy fit if she felt I was depending on her. It's okay if she offers and wants to. So, I guess hubby will bring in dinner on the weekdays and cook on the weekends. He only knows a few dishes..and a few my dad doesn't like so this should be interesting. I will have to recover at least 3 weeks. Wish me luck...I'm going to need it. Oh, also mom fainted on Super Bowl Sunday. I thought she died. I think I am still traumatized. Husband called 911. We went to the er. All tests were negative. Verdict..probably vasovagal syncope. Which means from now on I am terrified when she has a poop. She suffers from constipation because she is on 2 pain pills a day for her back pain management. I started giving her metamucil 2 times a day and so far so good. Heard she strained a bit earlier this evening and I almost has a Sh*t! I said MOM don't strain..for goodness sakes!

Take care, be well, take the joys when and where you can sneak em in...try and turn it around and somehow find some comfort in knowing that you are doing your parent/parents a big thing..You have a loving giving heart.

God Bless you all
Cindi

Cindi, I will have you in my prayers and will be thinking about you. Good luck and God bless.
Maria

Maria,

Thank you very much. Take good care too.

Cindi

Take good care of yourself, what we have to do to get a respite!! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. hugs and more hugs neon

Neon...really huh? Crazy...thank you for your well wishes. I appreciate them. Take good care of yourself too!

Hugs
Cindi

Cindi- I will pray for you I am sorry but have not been able to keep up with the postings and can not remember what your surgery is for it is not for lack of interest things have been so crazy with me and the husband and just trying to keep afloat and now our son has a medicial problem and he has been a rock for us-I am going to have the surgery the docs wanted me to have but I wanted more info about and finally got some answers from reshearching it, and hope it will elimate problems later on so am seeing a surgeon in 3 weeks and setting it up and insisting we get aides in for 3 days after the surgery so I can get some rest. Dear lady take care and I will pray extra hard for you.

Cindi, my dear friend,
I am glad you are getting to have the surgery. must mean that you are doing well with weight loss. Of course i will be thinking of u and you will be in my prayers. Hope things go well when you come home. my life is the same. my mom never changes, i change tho, as i become more bitter each day. my life has no joy in it anymore. love to all,Donna

Cindy- I now remember about your surgery and hope all goes well for you and please rest afterwards and let others take care of you and if your Mother gives you grief tell her that is it -she has to leave tell her your doc said you can not have stress at this time.